B
BetsyRose
Guest
Hi all. Apologies up front for this being a long post. 
I have recently discovered social phobia and avp through research on the internet and think I've been suffering with this my entire life.
I've had a problem come up at work that I really need some help with and I thought I'd just throw caution to the wind and post here in the hopes that someone might be able to help or relate.
First, I guess, a little history about me: I've always been almost painfully shy - especially when I was younger. I have trouble interacting with people, moreso in groups of people, and it's lead to me avoiding social situations and people in general more and more as I've gotten older. I've managed pretty well the last few years because I started my own business where I only had to deal with the public minimally. Everything was great until the economy tanked and I had no other choice but to find another job. I branched out into a new field where I've had to go work in a shop environment with about 6 other people. Of course, I was nervous, scared, and worried about how I was going to fit in, would they like me, etc.
I started the job about 5 months ago and actually liked everyone there. They were very nice and welcoming and I tried my best to be as friendly as I know how to be. To make up for not having much to say, I always try to compensate by smiling a lot, always making eye contact and acknowledging what others are saying and acting very interested all the time. I basically do my job as well as I can and then leave for the day. I don't smoke and everyone else there does, so at various times they go outside to smoke while I keep working. They've always been friendly to me and I to them. I always say goodbye before I leave and hello in the mornings followed by asking how their nights were.
So here's my problem:
Yesterday one of the girls I work with who is outgoing, loud, and very self confident, pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk with me. We went outside to talk and she told me that basically everyone there feels they have tried over and over again to reach out to me and be my friend and that I'm not giving anything back and they all think I'm kind of strange, unfriendly, and that I must not like them very much. I was SHOCKED. I did not expect that in a million years.
Since junior high, no one has ever actually said to my face that they thought I was weird. She brought up how I never really talk and they don't understand why and that I just need to let myself go and open up. I kept trying to figure out who was included in the "we" she spoke of. Was it everyone there including the boss? That's just humiliating. All I could think of was that they've been sitting around talking about me while they're out smoking and now I wonder what they've said and how bad they've ripped me apart. I worry about that all the time anyway and now I have proof it's actually been happening.
So, I told her how I've dealt with being shy and quiet my whole life and that I've really been trying to connect with them, blah blah blah. The whole time I'm trying not to break down and cry and humiliate myself even more. It's very hard for me to talk to people about my private problems, especially someone I haven't known that long. But I felt cornered and I didn't know what else to do but try to be honest with her. She, of course, said she understood and apologized "if she made me uncomfortable". She brought up the one and only phone conversation we've ever had where she mentioned that it would be fun to get together and have dinner some time and I was enthusiastic and said yes it would. Well, apparently because I didn't set something up immediately she assumed I did not want to be her friend. I didn't even know what to say to that.
I've never been in this type of situation before. I really thought I was being friendly.
This girl is 10 years younger than me - in her early twenties. She's all about going out to bars/clubs and drinking and partying 'til she's wasted. I'm so not interested in that at this stage of my life. I told her that yesterday during our conversation so she would at least know that just because I don't want to go drinking doesn't mean I don't like her or want to be her friend. I'm just older and do other things with my time. She seemed cool with that and she said she totally understood what I'd been dealing with and my worry about starting a new job and not fitting in. By the end of the conversation she was back to laughing with me and being very friendly towards me.
I went back to work and tried not to dwell on things. I actually did pretty well. In the past I would probably have worried over it and cried and analyzed everything until I was sick and couldn't stand being there and then just quit so I'd never have to see any of them again. But for some reason this time I didn't do that. I was pretty calm about it until this afternoon. It kept popping up in my mind and I started to get angry and feeling like it was so immature and high school. I'm in my 30's and letting these young people have control over me. It's managed to dig into my thoughts and now I'm starting to feel bitter towards everyone at work because I don't know what's been said about me and by whom and why.
Today I had decided that I was just going to keep doing my job and not worry about our conversation to the best of my ability. I was fine until the girl and this other guy started asking me to go out with them tonight for a drink. I felt like this was a total test and that if I said no I was being unfriendly again. But I REALLY don't want to go out drinking with these people. I did have a legitimate excuse for tonight, but they kept on pushing me about when am I going to go out with them and we need to go sing karaoke. I flat out told them I'll never sing karaoke but I couldn't bring myself to address the going out drinking part.
I'm so afraid that if I keep telling them no then they will start treating my badly and it will make the workplace unbearable. I also can't figure out why they want me particularly to go out with them. Can't they just go out and have fun and leave me alone? Why can't we just be work friends? Why does it have to be if I don't go out with them after hours then I don't like them? I started thinking that they're mocking me or trying to get me to go out and drink so they can make fun of me or talk about what an ass I made out of myself to everyone else at work. I don't know. If they don't like me why are they desperate for me to go out?
My first instinct is to quit to avoid the conflict. I think I could probably find another job, but I don't want them to think they beat me or that they are in any way the reason why I'm quitting. I just don't know what to do. Things are uncomfortable and I hate it. I went from thinking things were great to total confusion.
I'm sorry this was so loooooong. I just had a lot to say, I guess. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear some others perspectives who are suffering with the same things I am because no one in my life has ever understood all my "issues".
I have recently discovered social phobia and avp through research on the internet and think I've been suffering with this my entire life.
I've had a problem come up at work that I really need some help with and I thought I'd just throw caution to the wind and post here in the hopes that someone might be able to help or relate.
First, I guess, a little history about me: I've always been almost painfully shy - especially when I was younger. I have trouble interacting with people, moreso in groups of people, and it's lead to me avoiding social situations and people in general more and more as I've gotten older. I've managed pretty well the last few years because I started my own business where I only had to deal with the public minimally. Everything was great until the economy tanked and I had no other choice but to find another job. I branched out into a new field where I've had to go work in a shop environment with about 6 other people. Of course, I was nervous, scared, and worried about how I was going to fit in, would they like me, etc.
I started the job about 5 months ago and actually liked everyone there. They were very nice and welcoming and I tried my best to be as friendly as I know how to be. To make up for not having much to say, I always try to compensate by smiling a lot, always making eye contact and acknowledging what others are saying and acting very interested all the time. I basically do my job as well as I can and then leave for the day. I don't smoke and everyone else there does, so at various times they go outside to smoke while I keep working. They've always been friendly to me and I to them. I always say goodbye before I leave and hello in the mornings followed by asking how their nights were.
So here's my problem:
Yesterday one of the girls I work with who is outgoing, loud, and very self confident, pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk with me. We went outside to talk and she told me that basically everyone there feels they have tried over and over again to reach out to me and be my friend and that I'm not giving anything back and they all think I'm kind of strange, unfriendly, and that I must not like them very much. I was SHOCKED. I did not expect that in a million years.
Since junior high, no one has ever actually said to my face that they thought I was weird. She brought up how I never really talk and they don't understand why and that I just need to let myself go and open up. I kept trying to figure out who was included in the "we" she spoke of. Was it everyone there including the boss? That's just humiliating. All I could think of was that they've been sitting around talking about me while they're out smoking and now I wonder what they've said and how bad they've ripped me apart. I worry about that all the time anyway and now I have proof it's actually been happening.
So, I told her how I've dealt with being shy and quiet my whole life and that I've really been trying to connect with them, blah blah blah. The whole time I'm trying not to break down and cry and humiliate myself even more. It's very hard for me to talk to people about my private problems, especially someone I haven't known that long. But I felt cornered and I didn't know what else to do but try to be honest with her. She, of course, said she understood and apologized "if she made me uncomfortable". She brought up the one and only phone conversation we've ever had where she mentioned that it would be fun to get together and have dinner some time and I was enthusiastic and said yes it would. Well, apparently because I didn't set something up immediately she assumed I did not want to be her friend. I didn't even know what to say to that.
I've never been in this type of situation before. I really thought I was being friendly.
This girl is 10 years younger than me - in her early twenties. She's all about going out to bars/clubs and drinking and partying 'til she's wasted. I'm so not interested in that at this stage of my life. I told her that yesterday during our conversation so she would at least know that just because I don't want to go drinking doesn't mean I don't like her or want to be her friend. I'm just older and do other things with my time. She seemed cool with that and she said she totally understood what I'd been dealing with and my worry about starting a new job and not fitting in. By the end of the conversation she was back to laughing with me and being very friendly towards me.
I went back to work and tried not to dwell on things. I actually did pretty well. In the past I would probably have worried over it and cried and analyzed everything until I was sick and couldn't stand being there and then just quit so I'd never have to see any of them again. But for some reason this time I didn't do that. I was pretty calm about it until this afternoon. It kept popping up in my mind and I started to get angry and feeling like it was so immature and high school. I'm in my 30's and letting these young people have control over me. It's managed to dig into my thoughts and now I'm starting to feel bitter towards everyone at work because I don't know what's been said about me and by whom and why.
Today I had decided that I was just going to keep doing my job and not worry about our conversation to the best of my ability. I was fine until the girl and this other guy started asking me to go out with them tonight for a drink. I felt like this was a total test and that if I said no I was being unfriendly again. But I REALLY don't want to go out drinking with these people. I did have a legitimate excuse for tonight, but they kept on pushing me about when am I going to go out with them and we need to go sing karaoke. I flat out told them I'll never sing karaoke but I couldn't bring myself to address the going out drinking part.
I'm so afraid that if I keep telling them no then they will start treating my badly and it will make the workplace unbearable. I also can't figure out why they want me particularly to go out with them. Can't they just go out and have fun and leave me alone? Why can't we just be work friends? Why does it have to be if I don't go out with them after hours then I don't like them? I started thinking that they're mocking me or trying to get me to go out and drink so they can make fun of me or talk about what an ass I made out of myself to everyone else at work. I don't know. If they don't like me why are they desperate for me to go out?
My first instinct is to quit to avoid the conflict. I think I could probably find another job, but I don't want them to think they beat me or that they are in any way the reason why I'm quitting. I just don't know what to do. Things are uncomfortable and I hate it. I went from thinking things were great to total confusion.
I'm sorry this was so loooooong. I just had a lot to say, I guess. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear some others perspectives who are suffering with the same things I am because no one in my life has ever understood all my "issues".