New to forum - want to change my behavior - pls. help

[Scully1]

I’m new to this forum and feel like a loser for going through what I am feeling. I’m a 38 yr old woman who has a successful career, a good, stable (routine) life with no apparent physical/financial problems. I’m told I have everything going for me (good general health / good looks / education / successful job / money etc.). My problem : I long for friendships, especially a love interest, but every time there is an opportunity, I “look the gifthorse in the mouth” and avoid contact. On the one hand there are women who aggressively pursue men and then there is me on the other hand who gets attention from men without making any effort, but instead of being receptive (nice & polite like I usually am), I “freeze”/shy away from the situation and come across like a snobby, unavailable “B”-- I don’t understand why. When this happens I then become upset with myself for avoiding the very thing I long for so desperately. There is no logical reason why I don’t have a “normal” life with a family of my own. The only person standing in my way is “myself”. I want to break out of this pattern of behavior, but just don’t know how.

Background : my mother was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when I was 6 yrs old.…thankfully she has responded well to medication, but she herself is very avoidant/occasionally catatonic. My father has been the only stable force in my life, but has to dedicate a lot of time to helping my mother. Are my problems perhaps a result of my environment ? I have been to the doctor and a psychiatrist, but they offered no advice, although they showed concern that I have no romantic relations. They say that otherwise I am fine.

Work life : I am successful in my functions, but most of the office ignores me because a co-worker spread rumors about me and I have been unable to “undo the damage”. I refuse to run away from this situation because I love my work and the company and I won’t accept being bullied. I am determined to survive and overcome the negativity.

Personal/Home life : I still live with my parents, who are understanding but want to see me established. They worry about my future and feel it is a shame that I will be alone. I have no friends except my older sister (does not life at home). She is quite worried about me. There are many times she wants to ride the train home from work with me, but I choose to sit in a corner by myself. I met a nice guy on the train and we cross paths quite often. He has attempted to be nice to me and smiles/says hi, but I sense he realizes I’m avoidant, and so he too no longer approaches me…he has given up on the “pretty but snobby-looking” girl. I somehow believe he would still give me a chance and I wish I could fix things with him, but I don’t know how to begin changing my attitude and social behavior to accomplish this and other goals.

Does anyone out there understand or have any thoughts / suggestions ?

 

[Skog]

Does anyone out there understand or have any thoughts / suggestions ?

First come the disclaimers. I am not a healthcare professional. I believe I have an avoidant personality from reading about it, but I have not been diagnosed and I am not receiving treatment from any healthcare professional. Any consideration you give to what I say should be with the knowledge that my opinions could be wrong.

You don't say whether you have continuously lived with your parents or moved back in after some time on your own. No matter how good your relationship with your parents is, it probably is at least subtly affecting what you do. For you to do something after work and come home late, or go out after coming home, they have to know something about it. Even if they never ask, they know when you come and go and you may feel compelled to tell them things because of the daily contact. It is very hard to change anyway, but even harder in your living situation. (Young people who go away to college, rather than commute from home, sometimes take advantage of that new environment to "re-invent" themselves where they are not around all the people with pre-existing expectations of who they are supposed to be and how they are supposed to act.) Among other things, you might consider whether it would be possible in the near future to live on your own or with a roommate.

This forum is sparsely populated (and the few here seem much younger than you - I am older than you). You may find you get more responses if you are also visiting and posting elsewhere. For instance, these have more contributors: http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=137
http://groups.msn.com/AvoidantPersonalityGroup/messageboard.msnw

You are correct that you need to break out of your pattern of behavior. It will be hard, but you can do it. You might identify several ways to do so, but just don't try to change everything at once. Pick something; try to make some changes; work on that for awhile; keep that up and add another something to change.

For example, there is the man on the train. Make a plan for how you are going to talk to him and have a few conversation items also planned. When you see your opportunity, you must initiate the contact. So, for instance, you might have in mind that you are going to initiate the contact by saying something innocuous, like "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile. I thought you might be taking some other train," or if it's raining, say something about the weather, or that the train ride seems unusually bumpy or smooth today; it only matters that you establish some communication. Then, when you get past that, if he isn't already steering the conversation somewhere, you rely on your pre-planned conversation items. Try to have about 3 things you can talk about for at least a few minutes. While you shouldn't pull out a piece of paper and read it in front of him, it doesn't hurt to have written something out beforehand to get yourself ready. If you watch TV, read books, or watch movies, you can use that for a topic. You can even use one of those if you don't. (You say: "I've seen ads for that new George Clooney movie and it looks interesting. Do you know anything about it? I've seen some of his other movies and I especially liked X or I didn't much care for Y." My parents are really engrossed by that reality series Z. I haven't been paying much attention to it, but they can't miss it. Have you ever seen it? What do you think about it?) You can have a topic ready that's about the train commute. ("You know we ride this train back and forth each day for years. Have you ever thought about how much of our time we spend here. What would you do if you had that time back each day? I think I would do XX.") A current news topic, local or national, can be good for a few minutes. ("Did you see that story in the newspaper about YY? I wonder what causes someone to do something like that. That reminded me of another news item I had seen on TV a few months ago.") It doesn't have to be any of these; I just hope these give you some ideas. If you have at least 3 things mapped out in your head already, that gives you something to fall back on if there isn't some other natural flow to the conversation, or if one of these falls flat too quickly, you have another one to try. After you've done this once or twice, you will have established at least an acquaintance with this man and the two of you ought to be able to find more shared experiences or interests to talk about while you commute.

Since I've already made this so long, there is no reason to stop now. Regarding your work life, you said someone spread rumors. If that person is still around, go against your instinct and consider becoming better acquainted with that person. ("Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer.") You don't have to directly address the rumors, at least not for a long while. Use the same technique I described above and try to start some friendly conversations with the rumormonger, or someone else who you think may have need influenced by the rumors. It's easier for people to believe the worst about you when they don't really know anything about you because you avoid them. Conversely, if you are perceived as nice, kind, sensitive, helpful, other good traits, it's harder for people to believe the rumors they might hear. Eventually, you could also have an opportunity to bring up the rumors yourself, disclaim any knowledge of who had spread them, but say they aren't true, but that they have bothered you.

As for a love interest, you aren't going to meet that person at home. You might at work, although that can be negative for many people. You need to be doing something regularly that gets you out where you are meeting people -- other single people, or couples who have single friends. Consider volunteer work (very good for your self-esteem, too), joining some club or hobby group or a church group (if you're so inclined), or taking a class in something (community college, cooking class, dancing class, real estate license class, ham radio course), preferably something that at least interests you a little, but something where you are going to have interactions with others and they have a chance to find out what a nice person you are in a non-threatening environment. Then go back above and use that same 3-item conversation suggestion to have something else to talk about with these people, too.

OK, now I have mapped everything out for you. Pick something, if you think you can make it work. I know it's not as easy as I have pretended. Otherwise, I would have successfully applied my own advice and probably wouldn't still be reading and posting here. I use the 3-topic method from time-to-time and it does work. It is hard to keep pushing yourself when you don't get exactly the result you fantasized you would get and find you have to keep working hard, but there is no magic pill or anything else I know of to easily improve the situation. I hope something here was at least a little encouraging to you, because support and encouragement are important in your efforts. Good luck.

 

[Scully1]

Thanks very much for the advice. It is useful and has got me thinking (although I don't want to over analyse). Here's my problem : I have had relationships (including sexual) and I like men (I'm not interested at this point in my life in having female friends, more than necessary) ... I do want a family (a husband and kids of my own). I'm not really shy...I can carry on conversations and I can be "super nice" and polite etc. My fear is not completely "social"... What I'm truly afraid of is that history will repeat itself. I have read that I have a 10% chance of becoming mentally ill, like my mother. I think that's what is "subconsciously" holding me back from pursuing any relationship, although I don't have any symptoms according to the doctors. I just need to find a way to get past my fears. I have never had the confidence to leave home...(even though my mom pointed a knife at me once a long time ago)...plus I would feel guilty leaving my father to deal with helping my mother all alone. My sister left home at 19 and is married, but refuses to have children (although she adores them). I believe she has similar fears. Additionnally, I was always told by my mother (in front of relatives) when I was a young girl that I was the reason she became ill and that my sister would get married but I wouldn't. She said no man would ever be good enough for me and that no man would ever be able to touch me. It's like it has become a "self-fulfilling prophecy"...which I'm paying the price for as well as her & my father who have no grandchildren. Bottom line : this has helped me identify more clearly what is holding me back... 1) I don't feel like my issue is shyness/inability to converse/dislike of men but instead 2) I feel afraid because of my mother's illness (I don't know if I should I be ?) 3) I feel guilty at the thought of my father being alone with my mother, and guilty that my mother potentially became ill after giving birth to me 4) (although I love her) there is an element of revenge against my mother for the years of hurt/confusion/anger/lack of self-esteem etc. 5) these are all things I feel I have to hide from a potential love interest (and it's difficult...I've done it in the past, and I find that men sense hurt/sadness/anger very easily)... This has been a big step for me joining this forum, but just writing about it and knowing there are others out there willing to help is very encouraging. Thanks.

 

[Skog]

This has been a big step for me joining this forum, but just writing about it and knowing there are others out there willing to help is very encouraging. Thanks.

OK, here comes some more advice. (See prior disclaimer.)
You are 38. That’s not too old to have children, but you aren’t in a relationship with a prospective life partner at the moment, so the child or children you would like probably aren’t likely to occur until you’re over 40. You may not have the luxury of waiting for everything to be perfect to take more control of your life.
By control I am including your living arrangement with your parents. Are you waiting for your mother to get better or die? I don’t mean to be insensitive, so I’m sorry if it was. If you are waiting for what seems like a better time to move away from your parents and start a family of your own, that moment may not come until your opportunities for that husband and children are gone, or it may never come at all. Your mother’s statement to you was hurtful, but it was also likely intended to maintain some control over you, and although she may have good qualities as well, this sort of manipulation is holding you back and you are only going to resent it more as time passes.
Your father chose to marry your mother. You did not choose to be born to them. Again, I apologize if I am sacrificing tact and being insensitive. It is admirable of your father to stand by your mother and deal with her. He made a vow when he married. You could live somewhere else and still come by and help once a week and should feel good (not guilty) about yourself while also establishing a life of your own.
It is responsible of you to consider whether there are health risks for children you might have. I don’t know whether paranoid schizophrenia is hereditary, so I can’t comment on the 10% risk you stated. If it is that low, though, I don’t think you should let that discourage you from having a family. I suspect if you read about a lot of other birth defects, diseases, and other afflictions, you would find other things in that range, yet people have children and cope with the problems that sometimes arise. You have said you don’t have such symptoms yourself and at your age, surely it would have manifested already. So, why should you continue worrying about it? Don’t let it be part of this self-fulfilling prophecy.
I acknowledge pulling away will be hard. Your mother will discourage you. Your father may be afraid of what it will be like for him if he doesn’t have you there. You should be as gentle and explanatory as you can without allowing them any hope of dissuading you. If whatever else they feel or fear, they love you as their daughter, they will also know that establishing your life apart from them is good for you. You don’t need to abandon them. They should be able to enjoy your success. Again, I wish you good luck.

 

[Scully1]

You are not insensitive, but rather very insightful. Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to admit and accept especially when it is our own situation. Sometimes we need someone to, tell us the obvious because we have been through too much pain. I see myself at the "turning point" ... if I don't try to change my life now it will not only be my mother's death I will await, but mine as well...some days that is the case. I have lost out on a lot because of fear. You are right a 10% is not high. I would just hate to have anyone go through what my dad went through and I would hate to have a child experience the same pain as me. Either I sacrifice my happiness in order not to gamble with anyone else's future (even 10% is a gamble) or I trust that the "higher power" I believe in will be merciful.

No matter what, I have at least taken some steps to find help. I not only joined this forum today but I spoke to my sister and I politely approached the guy at the train station. He was actually quite friendly and didn't make any reference to my past behaviour. He was just normal, understanding , talkative...and kinda shy himself. When I talked to my parents at home, my mom became "stone faced" and just looked out the window. My dad said privately that he wish he could help me but didn't know what to do and he was terribly sorry.

I hope I can continue to be strong.

 

[Skog]

I hope I can continue to be strong.

Great. It sounds like you are already doing something.

How about a goal and a timeframe -- something not too hard for now? One week from today, please come back and post an update here and tell me 3 things you have done to take control and improve your situation. I'm not suggesting what they should be -- make them as easy or hard as you want -- it's just that it has to be at least 3 things and you need to report what you have affirmatively done to to try to accomplish those 3 things.

You can be strong. You need encouragement. Seeing that you can accomplish some goals should help you gain the confidence that you can continue to be strong and succeed.