New to forum-My story - My limits are the city

kismet

New member
Hi there! I'm new to this forum!
I've been agoraphobic for 15 years. I'm in waves of good/bad. I always have panic, it never truly goes away. Mostly, I am able to function within city limits. (Not necessarily panic free..but function) The town is approx 80,000 to 100,000 in population I think. I just know I can drive anywhere in roughly 15-20 mins or less no matter which direction I go. Love that!

I used to hold a full time job, but I would come home the end of each day utterly exhausted, sick, and have a migraine. All day of putting on my best Oscar so people wouldn't know I was panicking was exhausting!! Now I have a job I work from home with. I now make more money in less time than any of my previous jobs! That's a huge pro!! I also feel healthy and well rested and happy! The con is that staying home more is obviously not great for agorphobics.

I cannot hold an outside job (at least I'm employed at home, how do the rest of you earn a living out of curiosity?), I cannot leave city limits, I cannot get in someone else's car or hitch a ride with them as I have to be able to leave when I want so I always take my own car everywhere. I cannot go on boats, trains, planes, buses or even cabs!! I cannot take elevators, I cannot go to meetings, I cannot do anything medical - hospitals, doctors, dentists. I cannot go to new stores, houses, places. I cannot be in crowds at all. I cannot be in the mall. (Only one or two stores near the mall entrances). I cannot have a schedule that I must adhere to. I need to feel complete freedom. No appointments booked and no plans with friends and family that I cannot get out of. My job allows me to work whenever I feel like it and create my own schedule, and I just get groceries whenever, or shop whenever, or see friends on a whim. (I call and see if I can pop in for 1/2 an hour). As long as there is nothing booked, I can be functional with what appears a normal life as I just do things when I want without feeling trapped. But, if I have an appointment booked....yikes! I worry for days ahead I'll be too sick to make it. Or if a friend has a baby shower...that is a very specific start and stop time on a specific date. I worry I won't be able to make it that day or won't be able to stay the whole time at the shower. Anything that is booked feels like I'm trapped. Someone is relying on me. I never like to be relied on! A friend the other day asked me if I would pick her up from work the next day since her car was in the shop. I said yes, but I was panicked the whole day. I knew I had to be somewhere at a certain time no matter what in order to drive her home!!! As long as I have complete freedom, I find I appear to have a normal life that no one else realizes is run completely from panic and the need to always be able to get home in a split second if need be!!!

Okay..enough about me!
 
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