My Story
New here as well and figured I'd put my intro here instead of the 36+ page intro sticky.
Wow, where do I start? I've been someone "removed" from people since most of my earliest memories. A big part of it is that I've always been overweight, first from the steroids and my asthma and then even into adulthood--I've never been thin. As a result I was always teased about it. When I got into fights, I could never back it up so I tended to stay to myself. That combined with never having anyone to talk to or socialize with at family gatherings just made me more and more withdrawn.
As school went on, books became my best friends, especially encyclopedias. I developed my fascination with death at this time, especially capital punishment and suicide--the mechanisms of death fascinate me to this day, not to mention the thoughts going through the mind of someone about to go through it.
It was also after puberty that I would say real, major depression hit that I couldn't seem to recover from. This came to a head in my 20's when I
made my first suicide attempt. That was also the one that came closest, the rest becoming more and more jokes. I'm convinced this has majorly
contributed to my becoming so cynical as I've gotten older, with people
telling me I shouldn't be this way until I'm in my 60's--and I'm 37 now.
While I lost my virginity to a hooker in my mid 20's, I've never had a real
girlfriend until I met my ex-wife a few years ago. How was I supposed to
know she was spun and drunk out of her mind? Desperation on my part
and being on the rebound combined with the drugs and alcohol on hers
meant her moving in with me a week after we met and, despite lots of
fights and abuse, my marrying her 3 years later; we were happy for only
20 days after that before she reverted into being an even bigger bitch
than before! She finally left me almost a year later saying I didn't do
anything around the house, though I was just so sick and tired I didn't
want to do anything (I had lost my trucking job previous and was back
to delivering auto parts for a lot less money). Thanks to her I lost my
car and nearly everything I owned and I still haven't fully recovered,
especially psychologically. I should point out there's a lot missing
from this story because of space, such as the "adopted mom".
The last couple of months I've been talking to another girl from Houston.
The problem is that, while she doesn't appear to have the bitchiness and
outright evil of my ex, she still has the bipolar, multiple-personalities,
and general instability of my ex--her voice is even similar, all fubar from
years of previous drug and alcohol abuse. I sort of broke up with her
last week, but it turned into a fight, her room mate calling me an asshole,
her bawling like a baby, etc. I'm reconsidering now, but the more logical
part of me still thinks I made the right decision, but there's no way for me
to know since I'm not experienced. This unlike some people I know, who
tell me I should forget about women. Did I mention I'm 37?
I mostly know what I want in a woman, but I don't think she exists. What I do know is I don't need or want a supermodel or other high-maintenance
woman. All the dating web sites I've gone to (including craigslist) just
show all or nearly all of those women to be sluts and one step away from
outright hookers, and the guys to be the male equivalent. This sucks.
And then there's the subject of business and friends: how can you get
such relationships when you're afraid of parties (always feeling like the
fish out of water, especially when you embarrass yourself trying to dance) and other big events like that. I can handle more formal meetings, but
when it comes time to head to the bar for informal stuff I don't do so well.
It doesn't help, sometimes, that I don't drink. (I readily admit I'm a
teetotaler, and proud of it: between being an ex-cabbie and my ex-wife,
I've seen more than enough of what drugs and alcohol do that I want no
part of it; this is another negative for that girl I mentioned above since
she smokes both weed and tobacco, and I can't handle smoke anyway.)
I've kinda run out of rant here, being 2am and halfway through my 12+ hour shift. I know there's a lot I haven't said.
