new here.. i could use some guidance

[ks]

hi-
let me begin with this big history of whats going on..may be a mix of things i think.

if this is in the wrong forum, please move it if it will help.

im 28, and am dealing with extreme depression, panic attacks, and im pretty scared of leaving my house and my family (safe place), i was a stay at home dad for 4 years, but now money is tight, so i got a job outside of the house last week (besides freelance graphic design at home that isnt too profitable lately) ..i cant bear to leave in the mornings, i get mad at the alarm clock, throw up routinely & panic.. this is the second day out of 8 that ive missed so far, and i did lie to my boss as to the reasons i cant make it in (my kids were sick last tuesday, and a snowstorm helped me today, that was the truth) but theyre not holding it against me.. the bad thing is that its an easy desk job, with only a couple employees, and good pay, but after all that, i still cant get past leaving my family each morning for the feeling that ill miss something..i just cant leave them,

dont want to leave, at all.. i get panic attacks so badly when i drive for the last 2 years or so, i have to pull over because i fell like im going to pass out if i continue, breathing techniques dont help and i am taking only lexapro now, but i take some of my wifes xanax's when i feel i need them, ive been on paxil, klonopin & buspar all without any help in the past two years..

i remember as a kid even in first grade, my mom dragging me to school because i would make myself sick and throw up to stay home, she just drug me there everyday, and i cried every day..making myself sick and fearing leaving stayed with me every day until somewhere in the 6th grade, i was older so i hid the crying in front of friends & all, but i was back then as i can see now, really suffering with seperation issues and being depressed, your childhoods supposed to be the best part of life, but all i remember is sadness.

then when i was 20(& married with a child), i got badly hooked on methamphetamine, and after that was a daily smoker for 5 years..i held a delivery route job of all things through most of it, but near the end of my use, i was spiraling out and didnt care about life, work, or taking care of my family, for that i can never forgive myself, but i did kick the addiction all by myself, with the love of my family.. something im very proud of, and them helping me and being my rock may have somethign to do with this.. i dunno,., another thing is self esteem, i dont have any.. since ive been clean, ive gained 50+ pounds and just see myself as someone else, overweight, hollow and really without much happiness, my only friends are my kids and my wife...as i got rid of everyone i knew before, to help me with the drug problem...now i dont want ot make friends, i feel like i dont need them... ever since i stopped using 2+ years ago, i have steadily gotten panic attacks that have worsened drastically. I never stole or sold possessions , but i look back and even though i was a good father & husband even back then, i see i have damaged my brain as well as losing out on two years of real life.., i have major trouble remembering simple commands now, numbers & other little things, i just am not myself, and to top it off, my best friend committed suicide 5 months ago, and these factors along with my worsening depression have made my wife scared for my safety..

dont get me wrong, i will NOT kill myself, i would miss my family too much, and i have felt the devestation my friend has caused his family, but i cant get myself up and out of the house to go to work, even though i know i have to, its just too much to bear..im not usually one to cry, but for the last week+ ive been sobbing uncontrollably, my hands are shaking even now to a point where im making alot of typos..just i dont know how to go on..

i dont have the $ to see a therapist, and i cant seem to locate any depression clinics? or anything that i can attend because of money problems..my doctor tried getting me to go to a free state run mental health place for my anxiety/depression, but when i went in, there were seriously crazies in there talking to themselves & yelling etc...i got scared and walked out.. i am NOT crazy, just really messed up emotionally and i dont know how to begin to fix this..

bottom line is, i am a man and i know i MUST take care of my family, but how can i get to a point where i see my goal? it feels like its on the other side of the world..and my job is only 5 miles from home...

i dont mind if you think im being a baby, or whatever.. i know alot of this is all my fault, but it just seems really hard to get out of bed, it brings me to tears

 

[nimrodel]

Hi KS,
Welcome to the forum!
Although I can't say I understand what you're going through, I can imagine what it's like. It sounds extremely hard and you should feel good about yourself for doing as well as you've done so far. You obviously care a lot about your family but these issues are getting in the way of your happiness as well as theirs. You're definitely not being a baby as this is something extremely hard for you to manage, but yet you find the courage and determination to do it anyway. It's also not your fault, but you're dealing with it as best as you can. Your new job sounds amazing though. It's a good opportunity and I think you should stick with it. You mentioned that you don't like going to work because you'll miss your family, but imagine the outcome of you not working and the effect it would have on your family. Maybe if you mentioned all of this to your family doctor , he/she could advise you on what to do. I know several people who are receiving free help from psychiatrists that their family doctors referred them to. Although I'm not sure which area, or even country you live in, there should still be opportunities like that there. I'm really shocked that your doctor tried to get you to admit yourself to a mental health place as you're definitely not crazy. He/she probably didn't understand what you were going through and maybe you should look for/ask someone else? I'm sorry, I really wish I could be of more help but it's difficult to advise someone else to stay determined and positive.. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. You should feel sure of yourself because you sound like a sensitive and understanding person and I'm sure your family loves you very much. I know you're in a difficult situation but I hope everything turns out well for you. Just don't lose hope, it has to get better.

 

[ks]

thanks for reading,
it feels good to get things off my chest, i tell my wife everything, but its nice to let it out, even if its online,, yeah my doctors a bit of a kook, he told me to gain strength in the bible... im not bashing but im not religious in any means, and he just wants to keep putting me on different meds, like a taste test to see what works, im tired of being a Rx guinea pig.. ive gotta find a new doc, but blah, i just put things off and this is just another example, thats what gets me down, how i constantly give up, change sucks and im really spooked about somethign like a job impeding my daily life, as weird as that sounds..

i talked to my boss, and told her i cant get out of my driveway...even though i see some neighbors have left for work, and some stayed home today, i feel bad lying to her, on the other hand, we have a ton of snow out and the roads are drifting, so i really dont feel safe driving...since this is a good job, im just too scared, its overwhelming like im drowning..

anyway, thanks for reading


it seems like now that my head knows i dont have to go to work untill tomorrow, i somehow feel like a weights off my back..for the day..i really hate this shit, i use to be normal..

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