new and desperate

[nev_vern]

Hi,

First off, sorry for the long post.

I am Nev, and i come from North Wales.

I need to ask you people sumthin. How many of you ruined you friendships with very good friends? I have, but were still friends, but were not good friends anymore.

Let me tell you about my friends. One i have known most of my life, i am 27, and i have known him for over 20 years, the other is his girlfriend who i have known for about 6, we were the best of friends, we used to see each other on a daily basis and used to get along so well but then about a year and a half ago......

I started getting depressed about the way I am, so i made one of the bigest mistake i did. Because my friends wanted to know what was wrong with me, and could not tell them, i decided to write them a letter, and because i knew they know everything about me now, made me uncomfortable around them so i stopped talking, i went quiet, totally, hardly spoke. For months I felt I ruined my friendship with my 2 best friends, some months after, about 7 i cracked, i messed up big time, all those months, i wanted to talk to them, but i couldnt, i really could not talk, and finally i cracked, and went crazy, really crazy. His girlfriend hated me, she never wanted to see me again and totally ignored my existance, and with her being like that with me almost stopped all contact with my friend i have known most of my life. I was feeling really bad for what i have done, and still do, i tried talking to her but she just never wanted to know. Then 9 MONTHS went by, and she decided to come and talk to me, now, i can do things with my friends again, but things will never be the same again, the 3 of us, will never have the friendship we had. All them years building a good solid friendship went to wast, all because of me and my pathetic phobia crap, they were the only 2 people i was ever comfortable with and i ruined everything. I love them both to bits, we have done a lot together, and been through a lot, i feel really terrible for ruening everything, nobody will ever understand how i feel. Sometimes I have dreams of the 3 of us, in those dreams we are the best friends we were, but then i wake up and realise its just a dream, and i start getting really emotional and depressed, i can cry for hours just thinking about the way we used to be with each other, and nothing will ever be the same again. even now, i am crying, i just want to fix things between us but i dont know how.

I never knew what was wrong with me, i just called myself "Socially inadequat" but only 2 months ago, i found out whats really wrong with me, that i have SA, over a year too late I say. Although i have had this problem for years, at least 10, the way i was finally got to me just over a year ago. my friends, just dont understand just how difficult it is to talk and socialize, it really hurts, especially with the life long friend, knowing i have fucked things up for good between us.

I would do anything to sort things out between us, anything.

Could anybody help me? please? I need to fix things but i dunno how, has anybody got any ideas? I miss the way things used to be between us sooo much, and i just dont know what to do anymore, i am a looser and a loner, and i feel, that a guy like me is designed to be alone.

Could anybody help?

Sorry for the long post.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

new and desprate

First i want to be the 1st to say welcome newbie.

Second i want you to know that you have came to the right place. What you have just describe is actually quite common.

My child hood friend live 2block from me and we hadnt talk in 10 yrs. even tho I drive by his house 4 times a day.lol

It wasnt until we had a bad leak in the foundation and we needed a plumer in a hurry that i contacked him. My family knew he was a plumber and told me to get him imedeatly. It took me a whole hour just to ride my bike 2blocks to his house.

I was nervous; but, as soon as I open the door his family remembered me. It was like we were never apart. We talk and then he fix the scerious leak. The repair should of cost about 500 to a 1000 USA dollars but he only charged me for a 12pack of beer. He was actually offended when i tried to pay.

If this is a true friend from child hood you will be forgiven.
As for the girlfriend; un less she marries him dont worry about her cause she'll be replaced before you know it.

 

[nev_vern]

Thanx for the reply, my friend.

Yes he has forgiven me, and he is a true friend, we used to see each other for 10 years on daily basis, until my SA screwed it up. The other week he even told me he loved me, and it is really nice to hear that, and he knows i love him too, we have talked about it before, a number of times.

He is deeply in love with his girlfriend, so that relationship will not end anytime soon, and to be honest they are perfect for each other. She has been a really good friend of mine too, and i am so upset that she started to hate me. She has come round to mine to forgive me, but, i think she felt forced to forgive me, which is not the same if she came round on her own accord. She hated me for 9 months, for 9 months i could not do anything with my long time friend.

The point is, my SA messed up my friendship with my 2 best friends, i felt i could have done anything in front of them without feeling embarresed or ashamed, my SA did not exist around them, but because i told them everything about me, about my SA, THAT alone made it uncomfortable for me when i was around them around them, and the friendship, i think, has been decaying.

What really makes me sad, is that knowing the way I am messed up this freindship, and i would very much like to get things back to the way they were, when i could have done anything in front of them, because now i can not be myself, I can not be who i would like to be. They both know, i find it hard to talk when i am uncomfortable, but they just say things like "just talk" but it is very easy for them to say such things, they really dont know what it feels like, they dont know that it is closer to "impossible" for me to talk when i am uncomfortable, not just hard.

His girlfriend, when she came over to see me, she said she knows its hard, she said when she just re-started collage, she is now 23, that she was so scared being in the classroom with a bunch of unfamiliar faces, and that it was hard starting to talk to people. But this is coming from someone with NO SA, someone that can make friends, and she has a lot of friends, but for me, it is impossible to start talking to anybody until i feel I know them, none of my friends can understand this, and its really frustrating and depressing for me knowing i can not do anything about the situation between me and my best friends, heck I cant even call them best friends anymore, not since i started messing this friendship up about 16 months ago. Then 9 months ago, i made is so much worse.

I hope one day they see me as who i am, and that I can start getting comfortable around them again, just the way things used to be, i miss those days so much, good friends are hard to find, and good friends are hard to forget about too.

I'm stuck. I am even debating with my self to show them this website, and maybe this post, I need to try and get through to them just how difficult it is, and i dont think their is a better way, than showing them the problems other people are having, it just might make them realise. Do you think this is a bad idea? Even if it is not a bad idea, just goin to show them this site is gonna make me feel the SA weirdness, and thats gonna stop me showing them. I hate my life, i hate who i am, i wish i could go to hostpital and have a brain transplant, or a memory upgrade or sumthing.

Lots of love, Nev

Ane a Merry Christmas