Never thought of it like this before...

[JustAPerson]

Sorry for the long post but I hope you take the few minutes it will take to read it as it may prove useful.

When it comes to things like social confidence or shyness, no one is really inherently confident or shy, these things only exist when there is social interaction. For example, if someone was on a desert island, alone, there would be no difference between someone who is 'confident' and someone who isn't. Or to relate the situation to myself (perhaps one many will share) if I'm alone at home on the computer or something like that, I am neither shy or confident, it's only when other people are involved that these things 'exist'.

Another thing that this links with, is that what we feel on the inside, our 'true' selves if it were, is irrelevant to what the what the rest of the world sees us as because the majority of people (or at least those with with some sort of shyness, SA etc.) act differently in social situations than they would when alone or in the company of very close friends/family.

Perhaps our 'true' selves are not what we actually feel inside, but rather the way we seen by every else on this world. After all, it is about the opinion of 6 1/2 billion people vs. 1 person (yourself).

I think in a way this is a very liberating concept, as we can choose how people perceive us - I guess what this all comes down to, is whether you believe that what you feel inside is the true you or whether what the hundreds, thousands etc. other people you will meet feel about you. Whatever you decide, it can't be denied that what other people see you as will be the 'truth' as to who you are (according to the rest of the world), but it is up to us, the individual. We have the power to choose how we are perceived. To link this back to the beginning, confidence is not real, it can be faked.

Thank you for reading.
I don't know what anyone else will gain from this, but it has really made me think a lot about my situation.

 

[JamesMorgan]

I liked your post.

What you are describing is how we and others see ourself.

I use the analogy that there are two selves. One is external and one is internal. Then i make a twofold classification into deceptive and true:

Internal Self
No one but us can see how we internally see our self. We can view ourself in a deceptive way, meaning we distort how we see ourself - we relate to ourself as being anxiety or having faults that in reality do not exist for a second moment. We may view ourself as internally being a stupid person when others see us as smart person.
Or we can view ourself according to our true nature meaning we view ourself according to reality, ever changing but with limitless potential, which is within everyone, a state of pure peace and love.
When we are at peace, we are closer to our true self. This is who we need to be familiar with, not the deceptive person we think we are.

External Self
Everyone can see our body, which is not our internal self but is referred to as 'me'. People relate to their own version of who they think we are based on their own minds perception of us. So they see a completely different person. We are quite obsessed when it comes to this external self that others see. We feel it relates so much to the internal self we see so we do things to 'be seen' by others - dependent on their approval and opinion. This leaves our internal self under the illusion that we must 'appear' a certain way for others. This is deceptive and we waste much time and energy trying/acting to be someone we are not to please others.

So we need to ask ourself the question. Is how i see myself deceptive or is is a true reflection?

Why are we so hung up about how others see us? Why do we feel we have to justify ourself to others? Most people are just as deceived in what they see for example how many people have thought no one knows me or have had people say things about them that are blatantly not true. So deceptive.

We can choose how we see ourself and how we view others to bring maximum benefit to ourself and others.

James

 

[random]

JustaPerson,
I appreciated your post, thank you.
I come at this topic from another angle though. For me, the SA exists when I am alone because I have developed habits of mind around my SA. Part of this habit of mind is criticizing myself for everything. I was making tea and I spilled hot water onto the counter instead of pouring it into the cup and inwardly I said to myself in an exasperated tone "OF COURSE you couldn't do even this simple task right!" I dwell in sort of a puddle of self criticism and that keeps me from wanting to be around people lest I be 'discovered' for what I really am. I view my life or situations (i.e. I have no family, relatives etc.) as being confirmation that there is something wrong with me etc. I am getting better but I am describing some dominent themes in my life.
For many years (decades) I took the way that others perceived me to be valid. Until the emotional abuse they provided triggered panic attacks in me. In counseling I begin to realize that my father perceived me as 'unimportant' because he had clinical mental health issues and could not perceive others outside himself differently, he viewed everyone as unimportant. I realized that my sister percieves me as inferior, stupid, worthless, etc. and has been abusing me all these years because she two terrible overlapping mental health issues, hates herself, and hates happiness in others. I took the perceptions of those around me as a description of the 'real me'. In counseling these veneers are being stripped away and I am having to consider what the real me is.
I can say that the unfortunate souls around me who have been damaged by pain in their lives do not perceive themselves or me accurately. As I am Christian, I am turning my mind toward what God thinks about me, about us, and I find it stabilizing and positive. And I am begining to apply the mercy that I show others ("yes, she is cruel to me but she doesn''t mean to be, she has deep problems that break her heart...") and I am trying to apply these things to myself ("Yes, I forgot to do that again but I accept that one of my flaws is forgetfulness, I don't mean to be forgetful but I have weaknesses and I will try to work on them, but it doesn't mean I'm stupid or thoughtless")
I think others perceptions of me help construct an opinion I have of myself and I make my own judegements about my actions or thoughts but the resulting combined opinion I have about myself persists when others aren't around or when I am in difficult situations but among others. Other people telling me I am ok an loveable can't quite overcome the way I feel about myself. Counseling (I see a psychologist) has helped me use my judgement to reevaluate portions of my life and develop a more 'fair' or objective opinion of myself that has helped me quite a bit.