Need to be heard and understood by someone.

[fearofthought07]

I had a horrible event happen to me in high school. I was embarrassed in the middle of my high school pep rally. After that, a lot of students at my high school gave me a hard time. They came down real hard on my appearance, and made me feel pretty small about every aspect of myself. I had to end up dropping out of high school that same year, because I couldn’t take the pressure and mental abuse any longer.

I would spend the next few months in my bedroom, alone. I took all the bad things people said about me, and started to believe them more and more. I developed anxiety, depression, and a social phobia. I guess you could say I had a lot of hate and anger built up also. I would later on develop a form of eating disorder from my anxiety. I was in horrible shape mentally and physically.

I thought that was the worst of it, but something new would come along much later. I started to have awful thoughts. I remember my very first thought. I was lying on my bed at night, watching the movie “Girl Interrupted”. A thought of killing my parents in their sleep popped up in my head out of nowhere. After having the thought it was almost like I was telling myself, “Do it! Just do it!” I snapped out of it, and then I was confused of what just happen. I went into my bathroom and began to pray until the thoughts seem to go away.

After awhile the thoughts would come back, but it wasn’t just towards my parents. I would be whoever I was around at the time of having the thought. I became scared to hold sharp objects, knifes, or anything that could be used to murder someone. I stopped myself from watching murder shows or anything too violent on TV. These things would cause me to have a thought, which would bring me much anxiety.

I ended up getting help, because I was close to taking my own life. I couldn’t handle the depression, anxiety, and all these fears any longer. I got tested and the results came back with me having server anxiety, server depression, social phobia, and OCD. I would often try to target my OCD with my counselor, but she would often just to tell me not worry about it, and that I wasn’t some kind of psycho. She ended up moving out of state and I haven’t seen anyone since.

My OCD started to get better, and I would learn to control it much better. It’s not as horrible as it once was. I ended up moving out of my parent’s home. I moved in with two of my good friends, which they were dating at the time. I often thought about having OCD thoughts in my new place while living with new people before I moved in, and it often scared me. The weird thing was my OCD disappeared when I got out on my own. I had one thought and that was it. A lot of my depression, fears, thoughts, and anxiety vanished when moving out. My life was more active, I did more walking, and got out of the house more.

Well, my roommates broke up, which forced us to losing the apartment. I’m now living back at home with my parents, and my OCD thoughts seem to be coming back now. My life is less active. I also think it has a lot to do with it being October, and all those horrible TV shows and movies are playing to get ready for Halloween. It’s not the same anymore, though. I almost feel as if I’m another person, or maybe I have let my OCD convince me that I am some kind of psycho killer.

I'm so confused. How do you go from being scared of it, to thinking it's normal and you now. It makes it that much more scary, really. I'm scared I might let go and just do it.

 

[Helyna]

I don't know whether this happens with OCD, but a lot of people have their anxiety get better and then return when they return to a place where they lived/frequented when it was very bad. So I think you need to get away. If you can't, get together with friends or something to keep yourself from sitting in your house watching those shows (shudder). Anything. Make a schedule for yourself of the things you are going to do outside of your house. I think that will help you.
I believe we all understand here.

 

[fearofthought07]

I think you might be right, Helyna. I was pretty upset that I had to move back in with my parents. My parents currently live in a bad area, which stops me from doing much walking. I’m 20 years old and trying to rebuild my life from scratch. I’m trying to get my license, go to college, and find some self confidence, so I can meet new people. I was doing that while I was living in my apartment. I could walk around town, I lived closer to friends, and I didn’t have as much stress. Living here has brought back a lot of bad memories and old feelings I never wanted to feel again. I guess all of this has made me fearful and I put my life on hold for way too long.

 

[Son]

The fear of fearing a thought is different than the deep desire of acting out the thought. You might be so afraid of doing something that you keep thinking about it. The question you need to ask your self is not are you worried about doing it but do you really want to do it.

If you really have a desire to do harm and would like to do it there is definitely an issue that needs to be resolved. And you need to move out regardless until you can get that worked out.

If you can't stop worrying about it because you are thinking it that could be anxiety to a bad thought because you are a very good person that can't understand how a though like this could pop in to your head. In that case the obssive thought is repeating and growing and only gets worst.

You need to understand the difference between desire and random thought. I had a friend that secretly told me he was worred he was gay because he "checked out" another guy. Then he could not stop freaking out about it and kept looking at other guys but couldn't stop. I laughed and I know that was the wrong thing to do but I asked him this question. Is the guy hot? He said no. I said do you like something about him. no... Then you are obsessing over the fear of that your eyes went there by chance and paniced. If you don't like what you see then you don't like it. If you do then you do. He never spoke to me about it after that so I don't konw the outcome but I think he figured out his situation.

What my point is about here is not the thought but how you feel about the thought. Intent or desire. Understand how you feel about it. The core feelings. Those are the ones you act on. If your core feelings says it's wrong then it's just panic. If you really want to do it then you know there is an issue building in my opinion. Hope this helps. I would not be concerned over something if your core feelings would be against it.