Livingwithoutlivin
Well-known member
I remember a time, when I used to think that things like depression and anxiety were just made up. I thought those people were just exaggerating or wanted attention, that was then, when I was a kid and now I know exactly what they felt. How I wish now to know where it came from, and how to make it go away. To bring it all back to seeing the world through the eyes of that child who could not relate to this, but the best I can do is to make somebody feel better by letting them know that they are not the only one.
I was born afraid of the world, that was normal as most of us were, I was not the most outgoing person, but then again, I was not surrounded by many kids as a child. I did have friends, always a small group of demure girls, who were somewhat like me. There were those times when I was very talkative, too much, to the point where other people felt I was too unrestrained in my way of wording things or saying what I thought. Those were the days when I was comfortable in my skin.
I never truly had Anxiety that lasted more than a fleeting couple of minutes, normal fear that came and went when things that I did not want to experienced were taking place. It all truly started in 2007, like a piece of chewing gum rolled in the dirt, till it turned black, slowly it took over completely. In 2007, I graduated from High school, the very next day I went out and filled out applications all over the place. I got called up for two interviews the very next day. I did have normal fear of asking for applications and then of how I would be perceived by the employer, but it wasn't too bad. I landed a job at a burger joint. While there, I experienced rude customers from day one. I felt like the city I lived in was full of mean cold people. I dreaded going to work everyday. At first one of the assistant managers seemed cold to me and pushed me without saying sorry, this really made me feel bad. She changed her demeanor after a customer yelled at her for ' so serious and cold' it made me wonder if he had noticed what she did to me. While at that job I also had another incident where another worker yelled at me loud in front of customers because It seems I was wrong to not serve up some fries for the latest order. Somebody else had been doing it since I had worked there most of the time. This made me feel so upset I felt the tears want to bulge in my eyes as I went to serve the fries, and when I came back to put them on the tray, it wasn't there. I was at that job for 2 months, but my manager told me to get my glasses and then said I was kind of slow, but to call him back in two weeks. I got my glasses but decided not to work there, as he was telling me I really had to try to be fast. I wasn't sure what I did wrong. I couldn't imagine that I was too slow at the register, so it was something else most likely. Also at my second job as a store attendant, again one of the assistant managers was looking to argue with me, when I was checking to see if I was paid correctly for the hours I did on a log. She gave me attitude, then when I went to ask her if I had to sign anything after getting the check, she just stared at me and turned her look into an evil mad dogging face. Later a co-worker told me she felt depressed everytime that particular assistant manager would come around, as she would keep mad dogging her. It made me feel better that I was not the only one, and I also felt good knowing that it was probably nothing truly wrong with me, but she had a problem. Another long time co-worker there was not very nice to me, but these incidents stayed with me and nagged me when out of work. I always had to wonder and dwell on why they did those things. After this second job I stopped looking for work and hoped to take a long break. Well, now my anxiety is at it's worst. My boyfriend dumped me because I had not gotten another job , my lack of being social and talkative to his friends, and because I was not as mature as him. This of course, utterly has made me devastated. I've cried for hours, not slept well, begged him to take me back and that I would do everything he ever asked of me... in regards to being an independent outgoing person. I'm not sure I can do it, especially now that It's not like if I was able to get a new job, I would be able to bear the long days, knowing that I won't have a weekend or day off to look forward to seeing him and enjoying my life with him. It just makes it much worse than it ever was. I feel so helpless. This has made me want to die, it's the worst heartache I can remember. Today I was considering joining the army, just to die in a way that would seem meaningful.
I was born afraid of the world, that was normal as most of us were, I was not the most outgoing person, but then again, I was not surrounded by many kids as a child. I did have friends, always a small group of demure girls, who were somewhat like me. There were those times when I was very talkative, too much, to the point where other people felt I was too unrestrained in my way of wording things or saying what I thought. Those were the days when I was comfortable in my skin.
I never truly had Anxiety that lasted more than a fleeting couple of minutes, normal fear that came and went when things that I did not want to experienced were taking place. It all truly started in 2007, like a piece of chewing gum rolled in the dirt, till it turned black, slowly it took over completely. In 2007, I graduated from High school, the very next day I went out and filled out applications all over the place. I got called up for two interviews the very next day. I did have normal fear of asking for applications and then of how I would be perceived by the employer, but it wasn't too bad. I landed a job at a burger joint. While there, I experienced rude customers from day one. I felt like the city I lived in was full of mean cold people. I dreaded going to work everyday. At first one of the assistant managers seemed cold to me and pushed me without saying sorry, this really made me feel bad. She changed her demeanor after a customer yelled at her for ' so serious and cold' it made me wonder if he had noticed what she did to me. While at that job I also had another incident where another worker yelled at me loud in front of customers because It seems I was wrong to not serve up some fries for the latest order. Somebody else had been doing it since I had worked there most of the time. This made me feel so upset I felt the tears want to bulge in my eyes as I went to serve the fries, and when I came back to put them on the tray, it wasn't there. I was at that job for 2 months, but my manager told me to get my glasses and then said I was kind of slow, but to call him back in two weeks. I got my glasses but decided not to work there, as he was telling me I really had to try to be fast. I wasn't sure what I did wrong. I couldn't imagine that I was too slow at the register, so it was something else most likely. Also at my second job as a store attendant, again one of the assistant managers was looking to argue with me, when I was checking to see if I was paid correctly for the hours I did on a log. She gave me attitude, then when I went to ask her if I had to sign anything after getting the check, she just stared at me and turned her look into an evil mad dogging face. Later a co-worker told me she felt depressed everytime that particular assistant manager would come around, as she would keep mad dogging her. It made me feel better that I was not the only one, and I also felt good knowing that it was probably nothing truly wrong with me, but she had a problem. Another long time co-worker there was not very nice to me, but these incidents stayed with me and nagged me when out of work. I always had to wonder and dwell on why they did those things. After this second job I stopped looking for work and hoped to take a long break. Well, now my anxiety is at it's worst. My boyfriend dumped me because I had not gotten another job , my lack of being social and talkative to his friends, and because I was not as mature as him. This of course, utterly has made me devastated. I've cried for hours, not slept well, begged him to take me back and that I would do everything he ever asked of me... in regards to being an independent outgoing person. I'm not sure I can do it, especially now that It's not like if I was able to get a new job, I would be able to bear the long days, knowing that I won't have a weekend or day off to look forward to seeing him and enjoying my life with him. It just makes it much worse than it ever was. I feel so helpless. This has made me want to die, it's the worst heartache I can remember. Today I was considering joining the army, just to die in a way that would seem meaningful.
