my thoughts about my shyness, help me out!

[stewie]

I feel like I am as shy as I am because
1. I don't know who I am
2. I care what other people think of me too much
3. I don't know what other people think of me so I am paranoid about it
4. I have gotten into using drugs to calm me down

I know who I am when I am alone in my room, or with my girlfriend, or with my family and good friends. Otherwise, it seems like I'm always changing and I have no control over it. It's like I can naturally sense what the person I'm with's ideal person is (or what I think their ideal person is, I could be off) and I begin to act like that, without even consciously doing it. I'm told sometimes that I change everytime I see someone. I think maybe it's because I've always been an EXTREME perfectionist and anything I do I have to do perfect, or not do it at all. This carried over into talking to people. I was always quiet because I was in the "not do it at all" mode. Now, I'm trying to break out of that so I'm trying to do it perfect by being what the person I'm with thinks is perfect. This is why I have a hard time talking in front of groups, because I can't just be what someone wants me to be in order to avoid rejection, I have to be myself, and I don't know myself. Well, maybe I know myself, I'm just scared of my real self being rejected. it's easier to handle rejection when you know the person being rejected is not truly you.

I definately care what other people think of me. I dont know why, I just do. I have no clue what people actually do think of me, though, so I just get paranoid. I'm always paranoid people think I'm "weird", mostly. I'm naturally a deep person who likes to think about and talk about philosophy, psychology, science, music, art, etc. and most people think that's wierd when I start talking about them. I'm also very concerned about what people think of my facial expressions...again, I don't know why. I always feel like I look people in the eyes too long so they think I'm staring at them, or when I try to talk and the words don't flow easily I wonder if I look wierd trying to force the words out. Also, alot of the time I just feel like I'm not experienced enough in conversation to know what is appropriate to say and what isn't. When is it small talk and when can I say what I really wanna say? I dont know...help me out.

For a couple of years I've been using alcohol, weed, painkillers, xanax, and whatever I can find to calm me down but nothing helps once the high goes away. In fact, it only makes it worse because then I want to use more, or I just think about the stupid things I said when I was calm but messed up. I think this also contributed to my acting different all the time-- because I have been on different stuff at different times. I just need to get some advice so I can be myself.

 

[benihana]

Hey stewie, You are for sure going on the right track!! You should definitely "discover" what it is that makes you shy in the first place and start to control those factors. If shyness bothers you, dealing with all the factors you mentioned are going to lead you to a more enjoyable life.

You have to know what you're like, do what you like, and be around the people that you like.

You should not be hard on yourself or judge yourself from what others say.

Drugs including medicines, alcohol, and pot, I believe, are not cures for shyness.

Basically a path you can take at this point is to seriously work at finding what you want. This is what you want for your life right now and for your future. Make a list and find out about goal setting. This will give you a path...but it is no one elses path but yourself. No one has made it for you and this will make it easiest to follow.

Make and keep the contacts in your life that really matter. There are people who don't matter to you and whose thoughts don't count. Drop their thoughts from your conciousness. Also, realise that you can never know everything someone may be thinking about you and you don't want to. Focus more on learning about them and yourself. The more you learn the more other peoples thoughts (about yourself) do not matter.

Basically keep on learning. It is a process, but something that must be streamlined. Learn about yourself, about the people you care about, and about learning to learn how to do this. Good luck!!