My "super normal" cousin!

[Klaus]

I don't want to say that SA is a good thing, obviously it is not, but maybe SA is, at first, a normal reaction to an opressive and disgusting society.

I have a cousin that is considered "the super normal young person", and I'm the different dark, nerdy one.

But let's see what he is like:

He always have girlfriends. Every time I met him, he is with a new one.
He is completely ignorant about world stuff, he possibly can't point in map where China is.
He used to smoke pot.
He was almost arrested for vandalism after a soccer game.
He is fat, with many spots around his face with a ridiculous hair and he doesn't care! He is almost proud of it!
He says many "fuck", "shit" and etc in front of family and strangers.
He is always travelling with his friends and going out to clubs at night.
And is almost certain that he will come home drunk.

He is not shy at all, and he seem very happy, but I'd rather be a Social Phobic than a ridiculous person like that.

He is much uglier than me, but he thinks he is beautiful and not fat!
And girls like him. Thats the part I really can't understand

Mad world-

 

[Helyna]

Maybe you see him as worse looking than he really is because you don't like him?
Without some amount of sensitivity and anxiety, what would we be? This makes us care about others and the world around us. We think about the consequences of our behavior. We don't slip into thinking that we're the only people who matter. It's just that in social phobics, this trait has gone too far and backfired.

 

[bleach]

First, I think it's funny that you call society oppressive and disgusting because your ugly cousin can get girls, because most people complain about how superficial and shallow society is. You must be the first person I have seen that thinks it is unfair for someone to be judged by their personality and not their looks. But that's not even the real issue, really...

There is a theory in CBT about making comparisons. Comparisons reward your self-esteem on a random basis, like gambling. Occasionally you compare yourself favorably to someone, and get a self-esteem boost. However, like a casino game, the odds are stacked against you, and you always lose more than you gain. I think your description of your cousin illustrates this theory perfectly - you find one comparison that you win over him, appearance, but you lose in every other category. It is obvious why this kind of thought process damages your self-esteem so badly.

The solution is to stop the comparisons completely. No one needs to be measured against another - we are all unique and have a unique set of life circumstances. You can choose to see everyone as worthy, yourself included. A positive and accepting attitude will also make you far more attractive, not just to girls but to everyone.

 

[Walk]

Hang out with him and get the good aspects of his personality like confidence, how to talk to women, etc

That's only if you like the kind of women he attracts of course. But I'm sure you can learn something from him judging on how you have little bit admiration for him, albeit not all about him.

 

[Klaus]

First, I think it's funny that you call society oppressive and disgusting because your ugly cousin can get girls, because most people complain about how superficial and shallow society is. You must be the first person I have seen that thinks it is unfair for someone to be judged by their personality and not their looks. But that's not even the real issue, really...

There is a theory in CBT about making comparisons. Comparisons reward your self-esteem on a random basis, like gambling. Occasionally you compare yourself favorably to someone, and get a self-esteem boost. However, like a casino game, the odds are stacked against you, and you always lose more than you gain. I think your description of your cousin illustrates this theory perfectly - you find one comparison that you win over him, appearance, but you lose in every other category. It is obvious why this kind of thought process damages your self-esteem so badly.

The solution is to stop the comparisons completely. No one needs to be measured against another - we are all unique and have a unique set of life circumstances. You can choose to see everyone as worthy, yourself included. A positive and accepting attitude will also make you far more attractive, not just to girls but to everyone.

You have a point.

But what I can't really understand is his lack of shame. That's my whole point on the post. And people's admiration towards him.

He obvious can't be judged by what he looks like, and I couldn't agree more! I've said of he being fat and having spots on his entire face because he is PROUD of that. I'm the opposite of being pretty, but at least I try to have some dignity.

I've spoken about society being oppressive and shallow because people will respect much more you, if you go to stadiums and scream, go to parties and got drunk and stuff like that, then just being in your own, studying, doing your work alone.

My family prefer much more my cousin - that says "fuck you" - on the dinner table than me. And he has much more friends than me since he goes to stadiums and try to beat other people.

That's a shallow society.

 

[SilentType]

But let's see what he is like:

He always have girlfriends. Every time I met him, he is with a new one.
He is completely ignorant about world stuff, he possibly can't point in map where China is.
He used to smoke pot.
He was almost arrested for vandalism after a soccer game.
He is fat, with many spots around his face with a ridiculous hair and he doesn't care! He is almost proud of it!
He says many "fuck", "shit" and etc in front of family and strangers.
He is always travelling with his friends and going out to clubs at night.
And is almost certain that he will come home drunk.

If you don't want to be judged then why did you judging your cousin like he is such a horrible person? I understand what you're trying to say, but by saying things like this, you make yourself look just as bad as all of those that judge us for our social failures. Everybody has flaws, people just don't understand ours because they don't experience the anxiety to the extent that we do. Furthermore, I find many of your comments quite offensive. I would be happy for my cousin if they were able to be confident even though they have a below average appearance. There are extremely good-looking people on this very site who struggle with anxiety. My opinion is that you're simply jealous of your cousin because he's got more self-confidence than you. I'm sure you have plenty of personality traits that are much better than his (such as the smarts, as you described). We all contribute in our own way to society. However, by putting down people who don't suffer from anxiety as you have done in this thread makes you no better than the people who put us down.


Peace

 

[coriander1992]

Should he be slated for being happy and making the most of life despite his flaws?

I understand your point, but I think you've got it slightly mixed up.

 

[Klaus]

I read again my post and it was offensive.

I'm trying to say that SA can be a very cruel thing, but it helps us improve, I used to be fat and I'm not anymore because I used to feel very ashamed of that. I still have many spots on my face, but I'm trying to eliminate using a cream.

We, social phobics, could feel very bad about things and our body, in a very exaggerated way and that's our problem.
But "normal people" like my cousin will be getting drunk, with many girlfriends, being fat and with spots on his face for his entire life.
Because he is "proud" of being like that and doesn't want to change.

I know it's sounds like I'm a very pretty person that despises fat people and with spots and hates him because he can have all the girls he want and everything.
But that's not true at all and I used to be fat too!
I'm just saying that his life is as just as fucked up as mine, but he is happy living in this shit. And society thinks that his kind of fucked life is more "normal" than mine.

I'm really bad in writting in english, and I'm ashamed of the mistakes I am possibly making. And I really want to write better every time. But normal people are always happy with what they do. They are never like: "What a mess I am, I need to improve!"

Am I crazy?

 

[freestylemonster]

I understand what you're saying. But I think it's a good thing that he doesn't let his flaws get to him. He's fat and has acne and crappy hair AND YET HE IS STILL ABLE TO LOVE HIMSELF FOR WHO HE IS.

That's a very desirable trait to have, and it makes him attractive to girls. Being attractive is more than just being good looking.

And I know it sucks that those people are considered normal and we're not, but would the world be a good place to live in if the norm was to hate yourself and complain about your flaws and always be depressed? NO!!!!

 

[Klaus]

haha! Thanks.

 

[bleach]

And I know it sucks that those people are considered normal and we're not, but would the world be a good place to live in if the norm was to hate yourself and complain about your flaws and always be depressed? NO!!!!

Really though, that is the norm, whether it's considered 'normal' or not.