ilostmysoul
New member
Hello guys 
I am a new member of this forums and as such I decided I would tell you a bit about myself and my past.
I'm 17, born and raised in Europe.
My story isn't a happy one and isn't really finished yet (it is still kinda long), but here it is. And I'm gonna jump right into the interesting parts and skip the rest, which in this case means we're starting at my 13 years.
So when I was 13, I was very sedentary. I never got what the deal was about football or school. I'd have more fun staying home and writing. In fact, I loved writing so much, that at 13 I wrote my 2nd book. It got rejected. That was kind of a blow at my self-esteem, and things would only get worse from then on.
I started to having doubts about my physical attractiveness. My confidence started breaking down, I started closing myself up, started bending my back all the way down so that my head was always focusing the floor, which in turn led to heavy bullying. This kept going on like this for about a year and I fell into deep depression.
Went to a therapist, got mis-diagonosed and mistreated which only made it all worse. Eventually I decided I would heal myself, and thus started the most 3 painful years of my life so far. As part of that self-healing progress (I think), I started over-compensating.
So I was no longer closed up, but indeed very opened up. Whenever and wherever I had terrible amounts of energy. I was always happy and excited everywhere at everytime for no particular reason. At 15-16, I started having girls interested in me. Even 18 year old would give me their number!!
I never got into a relationship or even kissed any of them. Deep down, it was all fake. Most of the time, I wanted to see if I could do it. Like "Am I good-looking enough to get this girl's number?". And no matter how many times I proved it to myself that I could indeed do that, I couldn't stop. I just kept hitting and hitting on girls. Whenever I got rejected, I'd get down, but soon enough my energy was up again. "I need to prove that I can do it!". I think that was the part when I started having troubles with social anxiety. I had to prove myself worthy.
As sudden as it appeared, the energy was all gone. I wasn't depressed tho, but I wasn't healed, and I was no longer excited. I still wanted people to like me, but now (this is the positive thing) rejection no longer mattered. Just words. I would even be happy with rejection because then I could move on.
I then retreated myself, not out of fear, but mostly out of passion and not liking to drink. I got into programming, foreign languages, and another variety of "home" skills. People didn't matter anymore.
And then when I turned 17, I got to the point I am now: the realization that I have barely no social life and that when I turn 18, I no longer will be able to get into a relationship with most girls I know, who are mostly 15/16, and I still need to lose my virginity and have my 1st kiss!!! Just like that, anxiety was back again.
It is not as severe as being afraid to talk to people or of being rejected, but it's constant self-pressure to "be funny, be good-looking, be this and that so that people can like you and hang out with you". And I can be funny, but only if I am spontaneous and in the same mental state I was like when I was 15-16. If I am trying to impress people, like I am, then I am not funny.
The other problem I am now facing is that there is no way to meet new people in this town, since there are no groups/venues (for example, a coffee or a place for people who like to play guitar) where you can meet people that like what you also like, and approaching random people on street can be social-suicide if I do it wrong. So I'm stuck with only having acquaintances which in turn only makes me feel more anxious.
Well that's it. I write a lot, I know.
Anyways thank you for your time.
Cya
I am a new member of this forums and as such I decided I would tell you a bit about myself and my past.I'm 17, born and raised in Europe.
My story isn't a happy one and isn't really finished yet (it is still kinda long), but here it is. And I'm gonna jump right into the interesting parts and skip the rest, which in this case means we're starting at my 13 years.
So when I was 13, I was very sedentary. I never got what the deal was about football or school. I'd have more fun staying home and writing. In fact, I loved writing so much, that at 13 I wrote my 2nd book. It got rejected. That was kind of a blow at my self-esteem, and things would only get worse from then on.
I started to having doubts about my physical attractiveness. My confidence started breaking down, I started closing myself up, started bending my back all the way down so that my head was always focusing the floor, which in turn led to heavy bullying. This kept going on like this for about a year and I fell into deep depression.
Went to a therapist, got mis-diagonosed and mistreated which only made it all worse. Eventually I decided I would heal myself, and thus started the most 3 painful years of my life so far. As part of that self-healing progress (I think), I started over-compensating.
So I was no longer closed up, but indeed very opened up. Whenever and wherever I had terrible amounts of energy. I was always happy and excited everywhere at everytime for no particular reason. At 15-16, I started having girls interested in me. Even 18 year old would give me their number!!
I never got into a relationship or even kissed any of them. Deep down, it was all fake. Most of the time, I wanted to see if I could do it. Like "Am I good-looking enough to get this girl's number?". And no matter how many times I proved it to myself that I could indeed do that, I couldn't stop. I just kept hitting and hitting on girls. Whenever I got rejected, I'd get down, but soon enough my energy was up again. "I need to prove that I can do it!". I think that was the part when I started having troubles with social anxiety. I had to prove myself worthy.
As sudden as it appeared, the energy was all gone. I wasn't depressed tho, but I wasn't healed, and I was no longer excited. I still wanted people to like me, but now (this is the positive thing) rejection no longer mattered. Just words. I would even be happy with rejection because then I could move on.
I then retreated myself, not out of fear, but mostly out of passion and not liking to drink. I got into programming, foreign languages, and another variety of "home" skills. People didn't matter anymore.
And then when I turned 17, I got to the point I am now: the realization that I have barely no social life and that when I turn 18, I no longer will be able to get into a relationship with most girls I know, who are mostly 15/16, and I still need to lose my virginity and have my 1st kiss!!! Just like that, anxiety was back again.
It is not as severe as being afraid to talk to people or of being rejected, but it's constant self-pressure to "be funny, be good-looking, be this and that so that people can like you and hang out with you". And I can be funny, but only if I am spontaneous and in the same mental state I was like when I was 15-16. If I am trying to impress people, like I am, then I am not funny.
The other problem I am now facing is that there is no way to meet new people in this town, since there are no groups/venues (for example, a coffee or a place for people who like to play guitar) where you can meet people that like what you also like, and approaching random people on street can be social-suicide if I do it wrong. So I'm stuck with only having acquaintances which in turn only makes me feel more anxious.
Well that's it. I write a lot, I know.
Anyways thank you for your time.
Cya
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