Number32
Active member
So here is my story...
I also am a social failure. Not on the outside tough. For all people I'm just a great guy, nice to hang out with, always ready to help out others, good to have a laugh with, one that would never judge you for someting, one that would always be there when you have a problem. And you know what? They are right... I'm all of that. What they however don't see is the inside. Eventough I can get allong with pretty much every single person I know I would never be able to have one of them as a real friend. Its stupid, but as soon as one tends to come in the "friend-zone" its like some kind of power blocks every single way of working on this. So this mostly results in the fact that everybody think I'm pretty good guy, but friends? not really. Now I've asked myself millions of times before what could have caused this? The fact that my best friend dropped me once...? The fact I used to be really really shy as a kid...? Or even the fact I lost my brother when I was just a baby myself? I honestly don't know. Its not like a have a low self-esteem. (Maybe just a little). I meen, I don't think I'm ugly (I might not be good looking eigher, but ugly? no). I'm pretty outgoing usually, as far as I know I don't have any wierd habbits. I have a good study and a sort of steady background and hobby's (my cars especially). Besides that I'm the most optimistic and unstressfull guy you'd find. (When you've seen rock-bottom you really get to appriciate the little things in life. I know, I also always tought that that was one of those stupid sayings without any meening, untill I've been there myself. A feeling of happyness every single morning just for the sake of that you woke up to live an other day. Normally I'd get sick of the sentimental bull**** stories. However, for me now... its kinda how I feel. When I look outside and see a gorgious flower dancing in the wind a little it can give me a immens feeling of happyness). But still, eventough socially normally everything goes well, as soon as one tend to get really personal with me I freeze... I block, run and hide... no matter how hard I try to prevent it... Even worse it is with girls... Especially the ones I like... It all goes fun and games as long as it is random talking. But as soon as it only gets slightly serious I freak out. In my life there is only one person I really trust. She is my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Its my niece, who, unlike everybody else, always motivates me to do things... she shows interest in what I do, she cares for what and how I feel... She makes me feel I "matter"... I truly love her... but god, I could never tell it her like that.
I'm way to much of a pussy for that... ^^ Now not to long ago she wanted to couple me with a girl. She did that before, but this time "the girl" looked really to be interesting. I already freaked out at the idea of me having a girlfriend. But anyway, I gathered all my hopes and went for it. All went well as we just randomly talked about all kind of unimportant things like vacations, studies, music and such. Untill a few days ago at a party at night, she out of nowhere asked me if she could sleep a little in my arm. At that very moment in my head all sirens went off, red lights flashing. Big yellow signs with "DANGER" on them were flashing infront of my eyes. It was obvious a sign of "I might like you". In total panic and disbelieve I replied with.... nothing. So she must have felt pretty akward to. Later I still chatted with her via internet, but her replies were all a bit short... couldn't get much more out of her than "ok", "cool" or "nice". To prevent more akwardness I quickly came up with a louzy story and signed off. Its not just this situation that made conversations impossible. As soon as I only might, possibley, maybe, could like someone its like I have NO CLUE what to talk about. What to ask them. Mostly I just fire random (nothing meening) questions, but after a few more questions about that subject it often ends in a akward silence. As for the meeningfull questions... to really get to know someone... (I meen questions like "what are you really looking for in a guy" and not just like "you prefer the blue or the red skittles") I never know when to ask them or maybe I just don't have the balls for it... ::
Ohwell, just happy to write it of me... I always say to myself I shouldn't be such a crybaby about these things. That there are people on the earth that have much heavier problems to deal with. But than I wonder why does something that seems so easy for the mayority of people seems so impossible for me???
I also am a social failure. Not on the outside tough. For all people I'm just a great guy, nice to hang out with, always ready to help out others, good to have a laugh with, one that would never judge you for someting, one that would always be there when you have a problem. And you know what? They are right... I'm all of that. What they however don't see is the inside. Eventough I can get allong with pretty much every single person I know I would never be able to have one of them as a real friend. Its stupid, but as soon as one tends to come in the "friend-zone" its like some kind of power blocks every single way of working on this. So this mostly results in the fact that everybody think I'm pretty good guy, but friends? not really. Now I've asked myself millions of times before what could have caused this? The fact that my best friend dropped me once...? The fact I used to be really really shy as a kid...? Or even the fact I lost my brother when I was just a baby myself? I honestly don't know. Its not like a have a low self-esteem. (Maybe just a little). I meen, I don't think I'm ugly (I might not be good looking eigher, but ugly? no). I'm pretty outgoing usually, as far as I know I don't have any wierd habbits. I have a good study and a sort of steady background and hobby's (my cars especially). Besides that I'm the most optimistic and unstressfull guy you'd find. (When you've seen rock-bottom you really get to appriciate the little things in life. I know, I also always tought that that was one of those stupid sayings without any meening, untill I've been there myself. A feeling of happyness every single morning just for the sake of that you woke up to live an other day. Normally I'd get sick of the sentimental bull**** stories. However, for me now... its kinda how I feel. When I look outside and see a gorgious flower dancing in the wind a little it can give me a immens feeling of happyness). But still, eventough socially normally everything goes well, as soon as one tend to get really personal with me I freeze... I block, run and hide... no matter how hard I try to prevent it... Even worse it is with girls... Especially the ones I like... It all goes fun and games as long as it is random talking. But as soon as it only gets slightly serious I freak out. In my life there is only one person I really trust. She is my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Its my niece, who, unlike everybody else, always motivates me to do things... she shows interest in what I do, she cares for what and how I feel... She makes me feel I "matter"... I truly love her... but god, I could never tell it her like that.
I'm way to much of a pussy for that... ^^ Now not to long ago she wanted to couple me with a girl. She did that before, but this time "the girl" looked really to be interesting. I already freaked out at the idea of me having a girlfriend. But anyway, I gathered all my hopes and went for it. All went well as we just randomly talked about all kind of unimportant things like vacations, studies, music and such. Untill a few days ago at a party at night, she out of nowhere asked me if she could sleep a little in my arm. At that very moment in my head all sirens went off, red lights flashing. Big yellow signs with "DANGER" on them were flashing infront of my eyes. It was obvious a sign of "I might like you". In total panic and disbelieve I replied with.... nothing. So she must have felt pretty akward to. Later I still chatted with her via internet, but her replies were all a bit short... couldn't get much more out of her than "ok", "cool" or "nice". To prevent more akwardness I quickly came up with a louzy story and signed off. Its not just this situation that made conversations impossible. As soon as I only might, possibley, maybe, could like someone its like I have NO CLUE what to talk about. What to ask them. Mostly I just fire random (nothing meening) questions, but after a few more questions about that subject it often ends in a akward silence. As for the meeningfull questions... to really get to know someone... (I meen questions like "what are you really looking for in a guy" and not just like "you prefer the blue or the red skittles") I never know when to ask them or maybe I just don't have the balls for it... ::Ohwell, just happy to write it of me... I always say to myself I shouldn't be such a crybaby about these things. That there are people on the earth that have much heavier problems to deal with. But than I wonder why does something that seems so easy for the mayority of people seems so impossible for me???
