imgoin85
Member
I don’t really know when it first started happening. But it definitely culminated when I got to middle school. I had just moved into this new middle school, I didn’t know anyone and shit in general was bad. I was shy and whatnot and hardly ever talked in class. I got people to sit with somehow and sat with them at lunch but that was about it. So 6th grade went by, and I had friends at school but I never saw anyone outside of school. 7th grade started. Probably the worst grade of my life. Those kids that I sat with started slowly drifting apart, they started making other friends. I still sat with them but during other activities like recess I’d be pretty much alone. My parents didn’t like that I was home alllll the time so they started signing me up for afterschool stuff. Like ping-pong and soccer and basketball and even swimming. I pretty much had to be dragged to go to these things because I was so scared. And my parents didn’t really understand why I didn’t want to go and just kept forcing me to keep doing it. (I hated them for making me go, but it was probably the best thing they could’ve done. They should’ve probably forced me to do more things.) I would lie about going to ping-pong and they would find out and get mad and they would talk to the teachers and then shit would get bad. Then 7th grade ended and the only people I saw outside of school were kids that I played these sports with. Then 8th grade is pretty much when things started to change. It started out the same as 7th grade but half way through, this kid that lived in my complex started talking to me. Shit completely changed. People started talking to me, I started talking to them. Girls started talking to me for like the first time since I got to the new school. Pretty much all because of this kid, he introduced me to people and made me start talking. I went to the movies the first time with him too. But he was mean. I wasn’t really aggressive and I’m small and skinny, so he would make fun of me. Obviously since I had SA I couldn’t think of what to say back and the time. I would always think of things to say when I got home. He would make me feel really bad. That first time I went to the movies, he wanted to give me a swirly in the bathroom…what the ****? But I still hung out with him and dealt with it. Why? Cuz I was weak and stupid and didn’t want to be left alone. He also dealt drugs and was getting into fights all the time. I tried to stop talking to him once but that just ended in me not having anyone to talk to. All my friends were his friends. So I started making other friends. Which helped a lot and it got me going. But throughout this entire time, I had SA. I would be hanging out with people and was always worrying what they thought of me and other general SA’ness. I got into 9th grade and same problem. Except it was a little worse because the school was so big and there were older students that scared me and got my SA going. Also there were kids that didn’t like me for no reason and would want to beat me up. And I would be scared because of that. SA wise it was the same. I had friends but I didn’t talk to anyone outside my friends. And even with my friends we didn’t go anywhere or do anything because we were all pretty much the same.
Then I moved the summer between 9th and 10th grade. This becomes a new paragraph because this is probably the single most changing moment in my SA life. First 2 months of 10th grade, probably the worst 2 months of my entire life. My SA was at a level so high shit just exploded. 2 months I had no one to sit with for lunch. I used to walk around the cafeteria pretending I was doing something. God I don’t know how people didn’t notice me doing that. So one day I was like **** this shit. So, there was this kid in my chemistry class that I kinda sorta talked to during class. I just asked if I could sit at his table. Then the next day I did it again. And again until I stopped asking and just started sitting. He was the only kid I talked to at the table though. The other kids were all in ESL which meant English as a second language. None of them knew how to speak good English. But after a while, people at the new school became so much nicer. Once I got settled in my table, my table became friendlier and more fun and I started hanging out with them afterschool, people in classes started talking to me and life in general improved. Overall my experience at this new school from 10th grade to 12th grade, I would rate about a 6 or 7 (or maybe even an 8). Very, very good. Much better than it would have been had I not moved and stayed with the people from my old school.
All this time I had SA and didn’t know it. I would beat myself up about why I couldn’t talk to someone or why I was home all the time. I just thought there was something wrong with me and that it was just me and no one else suffered from it. I didn’t know how to explain it or why it was happening. Until about a couple of months ago I didn’t know there was such a thing as SA. It really explains a lot of things that go on in my mind. And I don’t really get thoughts. I get a feeling. A feeling of tremendous fear whenever I’m around people. But not just people in general, just people that I don’t know. And that category of people I don’t know is very, very big. So much bigger than the people I do know category that my SA is on ALLL the time. I’m perfectly ok with my family, cousins and whatnot. I’m ok with family friends that we have too, I’ve pretty much known them all my life and when we see each other, I don’t feel the SA as much. If I just had thoughts, I think I could handle it. But this feeling just controls whatever I do. The fear of feeling that way prevents me from doing anything. I’ll think about doing something, but then I think about how if I do it, I’ll get that feeling, so I never do it at all.
Now I’m in college. Shit sucks here. Absolutely blows like no other. I spend waaaaay to much time in my dorm. I used to have a friend from my high school that lived below me, and we used to hang out all the time. He pretty much introduced me to my floor, cuz I would call him up to study and he would meet people on the way and then he would then introduce them to me. Now he commutes so we don’t hang out as much. My roommate sucks balls. He’s a good guy and everything but I think he mistakes my shyness for me not caring about him. So he doesn’t hang out with me at all. The biggest thing here is probably not having that many people to eat in the cafeteria with. Last semester I would just get that kid from high school to come with me. But now that he’s gone, it’s harder. I do have some friends here but whenever I ask them they have already eaten. But most of the time I don’t even ask them because I’m too scared of looking desperate and asking all the time. And even though my floor is mad chill and people that aren’t friends ask each other if they wanna eat all the time, I don’t ask anyone. Also I hang out with like 2 people in the entire building and they usually go home on the weekends or they are in there dorm and I’m too big of a pussy to ask them to do shit, so I’m usually sitting in my dorm. On the weekends is the saddest because I am here in my dorm on Friday or Saturday night and I know people are getting drunk and partying but I’m too scared to ask anyone to come with me to a party. I’ve been to literally 3 parties in one of the biggest party schools in America. That’s just sad to me. People on my floor are always hanging out and I’m usually in my room. People have called me out about why I’m always in my room and I don’t know what to say to them. I try to go out and shit and ill even do it once but then I wont do it again for another 3 months.
Alright that’s my rant. That’s also my entire life story. I’ve never told anyone this so you should all feel privileged. (Not really.) I want to change, I do. And I’ve been trying to do things that scare the begesus out of me like actually talking to other human beings. But once again, it’s Friday night, people on my floor are getting wasted and having a grand old time. And I am here. **** here. I like being online and everything, but doing it day after day makes me want to kill myself. So for the next week I’m going to push this as hard as I can. I’m just gonna start doing things that want make me want to piss my pants. I am going to do it. Hopefully next week I will not be in the same situation I am in currently. If any of you are interested in what happens, check back. Thank you for reading all of that and see you in a week.
