Callee
Member
Well let me start off by saying I hope this post isn't too long...this is the first time I'm really admitting even to myself that I have a problem so I'm letting everything out here. Here it goes:
It's hard for me to pinpoint EXACTLY when these issues came about in me, but I have a fairly good idea. From Middle School on, I would go through phases of going out often and hardly going out at all. When I was out, even if I was having fun, in the back of my mind I was always wondering when it would be time to go so I could return home to my comfort zone.
Sophomore year of college was a busy social life for me. I had 2 roommates that I was very good friends with, we hung out with one of my roommates boyfriends and our neighbor regularly. It almost became routine: every day we'd come home from school, go to the neighbors, and hang out until bedtime. It was pretty much perfect. Seeing as how I was always at the neighbors, it eliminated the constant wonder of when I'd get to go home in high school, cause I could literally walk home whenever I wanted, whether to just grab something or to go in for the night.
But then paranoia started to set in. I started to worry that my two roommates were getting closer and I was not a part of this, despite the fact that we still always did everything together. One of them seemed to get irritated with me once in a while, and even though it wasnt often at all, I convinced myself that she was starting to not like me anymore. When we'd go to the neighbors, even though I was a 2 second walk from home, I'd still constantly wonder when I could leave, but I felt like I couldn't because I'd miss something if I did.
Then summer hit, and one of my roommates left the apartment for good and the other broke up with her boyfriend. Also at this time, one of my neighbor's roommates and my remaining roommates good friend starting to hang out with the group. I was at the apartment often, but I also would go home to visit my family a good amount, so there would be a few days time where the group would all be together without me. Things seemed to change drastically and I felt like the group had changed, and I got left behind. When I did hang out, I felt extremely anxious like no one wanted me there, and when I left I could literally feel the relief.
I started to think that maybe it was just this particular group of friends and that I'd be fine with others. This was not the case. When I did have plans, even if it wasn't with those people but with people I was comfortable with, I would dread every single day leading up to when I'd hang out with them, feeling like it would just be safer if I stayed home. When I plan fell through, I'd feel so relieved and be excited to spend the night alone, locked away in my room. I'd try making plans with my new friends, but I found that even with them I would dig deep for any excuse to cancel whatever plans I had with them.
I had thought of every possible reason for why I was feeling this way. First, I blamed those original people for what seemed like them pushing me out, but they all live in a house together now and have made it clear that I can come over whenever I want, but I never do unless I was invited to a party there or something weeks in advance. If I'm invited over last minute, I freak out cause I'm not prepared and think up an excuse not to go. It seemed I was too anxious to go out with anyone (except like, maybe TWO people Im EXTREMELY close to) and even if I knew I was invited over I'd freak out on my way over, heart pounding wondering what they'd think when I show up at the door, and what would happen once I got inside.
I remembered how even before it became a big issue, I'd always gone through phases of being extremely social and then being extremely not, which made me think it was always an underlying issue that didn't come full force until this past year. And dating had been an issue since I was even old enough to date. I'd have guys who I liked be interested in me, but when I hung out with them I'd freak out and start avoiding them, and make up excuses as to why I lost interest (at first I thought I was just "too picky")
I also have ADD and a few other issues, but was off meds for a while. I put myself back on them due to troubles paying attention in class, and I thought part of my social issues may be attributed to that and the meds would help it as well. This ended up not being so.
This leads to today. I have friends, some old and some new who want to hang out but I keep finding reasons not to or telling them I'd see them in a week or so (which never happens) and I feel like they're giving up on me now because I always say no to their many attempts to hang out. Also, one day I skipped my first class because I was tired. I went to the bus stop (bus comes every 10 minutes) and saw the CUTEST guy, and I swear I caught him looking at me. I thought about how I probably wouldn't see him again because I don't normally get on the bus at that time, and was a little disappointed. However, a week later, he was on the bus at my time not only going to school, but also coming home from, and I even talked to him. Yesterday, he was at the bus stop again but he had stopped to sit down and tie his shoe, so I went towards the front of the line and thought "oh well it would look weird if I stopped to talk to him, he'll just sit next to me on the bus when it comes like he did the other day and we'll talk then." Well, a girl I had a class with took the seat next to me before he could and I didnt even speak to him when the bus dropped us off. I felt very angry because it felt like opportunity was not only knocking at my door, but downright slapping me in the face, and still I did nothing. A friend I text who lives in another states tells me to just not be nervous and for me to go to him and initiate the conversation, but given the complexity of my issues, I don't think it's that simple.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't *too* long and you guys followed it and it makes sense...I know my issues maybe don't look as bad as other peoples but it certainly feels that way to me. I'm trying to admit to myself the things that are wrong with my life rather than deny them more, so I can help myself and make things better. I hope someone got this and can understand what I mean.
It's hard for me to pinpoint EXACTLY when these issues came about in me, but I have a fairly good idea. From Middle School on, I would go through phases of going out often and hardly going out at all. When I was out, even if I was having fun, in the back of my mind I was always wondering when it would be time to go so I could return home to my comfort zone.
Sophomore year of college was a busy social life for me. I had 2 roommates that I was very good friends with, we hung out with one of my roommates boyfriends and our neighbor regularly. It almost became routine: every day we'd come home from school, go to the neighbors, and hang out until bedtime. It was pretty much perfect. Seeing as how I was always at the neighbors, it eliminated the constant wonder of when I'd get to go home in high school, cause I could literally walk home whenever I wanted, whether to just grab something or to go in for the night.
But then paranoia started to set in. I started to worry that my two roommates were getting closer and I was not a part of this, despite the fact that we still always did everything together. One of them seemed to get irritated with me once in a while, and even though it wasnt often at all, I convinced myself that she was starting to not like me anymore. When we'd go to the neighbors, even though I was a 2 second walk from home, I'd still constantly wonder when I could leave, but I felt like I couldn't because I'd miss something if I did.
Then summer hit, and one of my roommates left the apartment for good and the other broke up with her boyfriend. Also at this time, one of my neighbor's roommates and my remaining roommates good friend starting to hang out with the group. I was at the apartment often, but I also would go home to visit my family a good amount, so there would be a few days time where the group would all be together without me. Things seemed to change drastically and I felt like the group had changed, and I got left behind. When I did hang out, I felt extremely anxious like no one wanted me there, and when I left I could literally feel the relief.
I started to think that maybe it was just this particular group of friends and that I'd be fine with others. This was not the case. When I did have plans, even if it wasn't with those people but with people I was comfortable with, I would dread every single day leading up to when I'd hang out with them, feeling like it would just be safer if I stayed home. When I plan fell through, I'd feel so relieved and be excited to spend the night alone, locked away in my room. I'd try making plans with my new friends, but I found that even with them I would dig deep for any excuse to cancel whatever plans I had with them.
I had thought of every possible reason for why I was feeling this way. First, I blamed those original people for what seemed like them pushing me out, but they all live in a house together now and have made it clear that I can come over whenever I want, but I never do unless I was invited to a party there or something weeks in advance. If I'm invited over last minute, I freak out cause I'm not prepared and think up an excuse not to go. It seemed I was too anxious to go out with anyone (except like, maybe TWO people Im EXTREMELY close to) and even if I knew I was invited over I'd freak out on my way over, heart pounding wondering what they'd think when I show up at the door, and what would happen once I got inside.
I remembered how even before it became a big issue, I'd always gone through phases of being extremely social and then being extremely not, which made me think it was always an underlying issue that didn't come full force until this past year. And dating had been an issue since I was even old enough to date. I'd have guys who I liked be interested in me, but when I hung out with them I'd freak out and start avoiding them, and make up excuses as to why I lost interest (at first I thought I was just "too picky")
I also have ADD and a few other issues, but was off meds for a while. I put myself back on them due to troubles paying attention in class, and I thought part of my social issues may be attributed to that and the meds would help it as well. This ended up not being so.
This leads to today. I have friends, some old and some new who want to hang out but I keep finding reasons not to or telling them I'd see them in a week or so (which never happens) and I feel like they're giving up on me now because I always say no to their many attempts to hang out. Also, one day I skipped my first class because I was tired. I went to the bus stop (bus comes every 10 minutes) and saw the CUTEST guy, and I swear I caught him looking at me. I thought about how I probably wouldn't see him again because I don't normally get on the bus at that time, and was a little disappointed. However, a week later, he was on the bus at my time not only going to school, but also coming home from, and I even talked to him. Yesterday, he was at the bus stop again but he had stopped to sit down and tie his shoe, so I went towards the front of the line and thought "oh well it would look weird if I stopped to talk to him, he'll just sit next to me on the bus when it comes like he did the other day and we'll talk then." Well, a girl I had a class with took the seat next to me before he could and I didnt even speak to him when the bus dropped us off. I felt very angry because it felt like opportunity was not only knocking at my door, but downright slapping me in the face, and still I did nothing. A friend I text who lives in another states tells me to just not be nervous and for me to go to him and initiate the conversation, but given the complexity of my issues, I don't think it's that simple.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't *too* long and you guys followed it and it makes sense...I know my issues maybe don't look as bad as other peoples but it certainly feels that way to me. I'm trying to admit to myself the things that are wrong with my life rather than deny them more, so I can help myself and make things better. I hope someone got this and can understand what I mean.
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