It was almost one year to date that I joined this forum, and how far I have come since then. I was still trying to find myself, still groping to realize what was "wrong" with me. I went through a lot since then, watched my friends pull away, watched my family change and flourish around me, when it seemed like I was stuck in one place. I spent most of my summer on the computer, searching once more for what I thought was my "escape" But only found, that people are people, even online. As I started my sophmore year, I felt confident, that after my summer of "reflection and healing" I'd be ready and cured. I stopped visiting my therapist, only a few days before the first day did I go, and started branching out once more to my friends. I felt like a new person, only to have all my hopes come crashing down as I stepped into the crowd for the first time in a long time. I gripped my bookbag, clutching the pockets of my new jeans, looking through the fan of my newly died hair. I thought all these changes to my "outside" would change who I was on the inside. It was startling to see that my happiness was so short lived, and again I felt myself drawing deeper within me. I felt like a rubberband twisted over and over again ready to burst. I kept trying to tell my parents and therapist my feelings, but kept saying the wrong things. As I refused to leave the house again, my mom and dad threatened to admit me, and leave me in a hospital. That was perhaps the worst night of my life. I ran from my parents room to my brothers screaming for him to help.
I kept telling people I wouldn't do it (it meaning leave my house) when what I was really trying to say was I couldn't do it. I was terrified of myself, and what I would do if I had to step out the door one more time. When I finally told my therapist I could no longer live if they made me go out, I felt a certain sense of control, like I had finally taken over my life after a long time of taking a back seat. After that, things began slipping into place. No more did I let my family push me around, I began making my decisions, and setting my boundries. Though I have taken some spills since then, things are looking clearer. I don't go out anywhere, my friends still don't call, but for the first time I feel a sense of contentmant. I am re-discovering myself, in a way I never imagined. I have found a great friend, and talk with him every night, he still doesn't know what's wrong, or why I'm no longer in school, but it doesn't seem to matter. He makes me forget, if only for a little while, that I will never be what society calls "normal". Now I look at myself, all the layers of self doubt, pity, and anger striped away, and I see me in a new light. I am not "recovered" but I am only just starting to feel again. I have no words of encouragemant, no enlightening phrases to help me, just the knowledge that I've come too far now, and I've only begun to un-cover the long suppressed feelings, so I can't turn back, all that's left to do, is forge ahead and pray for the best.
Now more then ever, as I celebrate the new year, alone and quietly in my room, I realize just what it means to be happy. There is no real face to it, there is nothing that promotes it or encourages it. It is just there, with no reason or cause. That is true happiness, and though I don't date, go to parties, or hang out with friends, I feel normal in my own way, and that is all that matters anymore. I will be 16 this april, a two year sufferer of Social Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, and I couldn't be more happier sitting alone on new years eve.
-Jessie
I kept telling people I wouldn't do it (it meaning leave my house) when what I was really trying to say was I couldn't do it. I was terrified of myself, and what I would do if I had to step out the door one more time. When I finally told my therapist I could no longer live if they made me go out, I felt a certain sense of control, like I had finally taken over my life after a long time of taking a back seat. After that, things began slipping into place. No more did I let my family push me around, I began making my decisions, and setting my boundries. Though I have taken some spills since then, things are looking clearer. I don't go out anywhere, my friends still don't call, but for the first time I feel a sense of contentmant. I am re-discovering myself, in a way I never imagined. I have found a great friend, and talk with him every night, he still doesn't know what's wrong, or why I'm no longer in school, but it doesn't seem to matter. He makes me forget, if only for a little while, that I will never be what society calls "normal". Now I look at myself, all the layers of self doubt, pity, and anger striped away, and I see me in a new light. I am not "recovered" but I am only just starting to feel again. I have no words of encouragemant, no enlightening phrases to help me, just the knowledge that I've come too far now, and I've only begun to un-cover the long suppressed feelings, so I can't turn back, all that's left to do, is forge ahead and pray for the best.
Now more then ever, as I celebrate the new year, alone and quietly in my room, I realize just what it means to be happy. There is no real face to it, there is nothing that promotes it or encourages it. It is just there, with no reason or cause. That is true happiness, and though I don't date, go to parties, or hang out with friends, I feel normal in my own way, and that is all that matters anymore. I will be 16 this april, a two year sufferer of Social Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, and I couldn't be more happier sitting alone on new years eve.
-Jessie
