My Problem with Women

Orlando

Well-known member
Actually, the title of this post is inaccurate. The problem isn't with women. It's with me. I'm 30 years old and all together I have a massed 3 dates for my lifetime (One was on a singles cruise and I am still friends with the girl who I met [platonic].) I am very shy and passive.
I have learned in dancing (i.e. the waltz or swing) that the man leads. The guy is supposed to signal what should happen first in the relationship. We first have to approach the girl and ask for their phone number. We have to call the girl. We have to arrange where to go and what to do on the date. Any girls reading this, be aware that their are men in the world that are 'freaking-out' with all the responsibilities that come with dating.
My problem is that I'm not assertive. The last two girls that I went out with (Single date, never progressing to a serious relationship) thought I was a homosexual. It doesn't really help my confidence level to know that people of the same sex think that I prefer my own sex. Actually, it really made me feel bad. Am I a man?
There is this woman at college. Her name is Melissa. I met her in the program and we have taken 3 classes together.

I like Melissa because of the following reasons:
1) She is more outgoing than I
2) She is around my age, 26.
3) We are friends, I know that I can get along with each other.
4) She is intelligent.
5) She likes running. (I like running, too.)
6) She like dancing. (I like dancing, too.)
7) She is independent.
8) Most importantly, she challenges me. Since I have met her, my world has changed, well, it's bigger. I joined her gym under her suggestion. I have taken up running and dancing just because she was doing it (and I have grown accustomed to it, I genuinely like those activities! :D :D :wink: :D ) She like watching college basketball, something I have no idea about but I'm willing to sit through it if she likes it! (It's ok but not something that I'm totally into like she is!?! :roll: )

The problem is that I'm stuck. My face is impassive and I give ambigous messages that I like her. Instead of saying that I like her, I would always say, "That's what friends are for." Always, protraying our relationship as 'typical friends' even when I feel that it is more special than that.
What is even more frustrating, is that I have no definate evidence that she like me the same way I do? My elder sister said to me once,"Guys think they know what girls want but they don't. You will only know what she want unless she tells it to you. 8O " That means. I have to take the lead and ask her first. 8O Darn, I want to be the woman. It's easier that way.
Any suggestions would be appreciated. When I think of just continuing my friendship with Melissa, I feel that I am wasting an opportunity for discovery (learning about myself, in particular, and her as a partner). I don't want to have just friends (with girls) for my whole life because I am
afraid of being rejected. I don't live because of my fear. I want to live for the goals that I choose (i.e., to have a stable job, family, etc.) I don't want my fear to tell me what to do! I don't have problems making friends with women. My female friends outnumber my male friends. (Weird, huh? :) ) My problem is I want to tell Melissa that she is 'special' to me...but I hold back a because I am frightend of rejection.
 

neddy

Well-known member
Orlando, Melissa sounds like she is really good for you. I also like to be around outgoing people as they help to bring me out of my shell. How do you know she doesn't feel the same way about you. You can ask her out without risking the friendship. Just start off with small steps like going to the movies, somewhere neutral or when you are talking suggest going out for a coffee and see what her reaction is.
 

aleksandra

Member
Yo, Orl! I have some very good news for you! I don’t agree about that conventional atitudes about man-woman relations and many girls would agree with me. Somehow I feel Melissa would too (… call it woman’s intuition :) )
First of all, if shes going out with you, it may very well mean that she likes you too, and not JUST as a friend. And I think your strategy is quite good (even if you aren’t aware of it :wink: ) because I use to have a bf which was just a friend before. There is a fine line between a friendship and a love affair. Further more, I for instance don’t like men who make the first step too qiuckly, I even prefer too make the first step - if I’m certain that someone is attracted to me (and women can tell these things). I use to have bfs and I’ve been asked to go out quite often (even now, as I look nice – one of the good things that I don’t have any doubts about) and I truly fell in love only with those who were a bit insecure and scared to make the first move – I personaly find it very charming. And, as I said, its not bad at all if you’re going out for a while only as friends, as it will both make you feel more relaxed and comfortable with each other. For a long lasting relationship it’s the best approach. And I have more good news. You don’t have to actually say it, you can show her that you like her without embarassing yourself. For instance, when you feel most relaxed with her, you can ask her for a walk, or pick some romantic, quiet place and start talking about some personal matters. It doesn’t have to include dating or your past experiences of that sort, just you know kinda intimate talk. Women like to be listened too and feel secure if someone understands them (finally, that’s what we are looking for in men, the looks arent THAT important, arent I right girls??) and that’s the weapon that usually does the job. Then at some point you might wanna kiss her - if she doesn’t do it first. If you really feel attracted and feel close to her, I’m sure you’ll forget all about SA. I’m almost sure she knows you like her though.

Keep us up to date, I like using “you see, what did I tell you!!” line :D
 

crashmodem

Well-known member
I have the exact same way, but i have a worse opinion for myself.

I figure that women won't touch me with a 40 ft pole.
i have never had a girlfriend, and i will NEVER will...
 

neddy

Well-known member
Hello, Aleksandra was right, like I said before how do you know Melissa doesn't like you that way already.
One point Aleksandra made is that alot of females don't like males moving forward too quick, I feel that way as well, Alot of guys (intoxicated) ask me out or if I want to have a break and it really makes me angry as one minute they are complaining that they couldnt pick up in the nightclub then they are putting the hard word on me. I am not like that and I then give them heaps of attitude. If someone is really interested in going out you will know it, plus you will feel very comfortable when you are around them. Who knows Melissa might be the first one to make the first move.
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
i don't know you guys but i had a lot experience about approaching to the girls.. And i figured out there is no story that you are all talking about.. It's unfortunately like this.. I like to approach to the girl how you desciribe here.. I don't remember i got succes before.. When i love some girl and try all those romantic senario, somebody took her already.. Try to get her as soon as possible.. Don't waste time, you are not only one like her!! There are always somebody that who will never gonna get red infront of her!!
I am 31 now.. never saw any girl like you are talking, even i loved with true love and try to do everythink to win her.. They always steal from me other guys who don't have social phobia, just the normal people...

Don't waste your time go out many times, talk to much etc.. It's depends how beauty your girl also, if her raiting is high(means there are people always looking her, pretty range etc.) then you have to be fast.. At least you have to make love with her.. And the better one :wink:
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Thanks everyone for your support. It feels good that I can trust others with my feelings.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Nomane,

I understand about your feeling that you have to move quick or else you'll lose the love of your life. There have been many times where I have been strongly attracted to women who were in intense, serious relationships.
However, I don't want to rush. One thing is that if the girl likes me she will also wait for me. I like to go at my own pace. Moving to fast more me creates all this anxiety. I get all caught up in my responsibilties of being a 'good b/f' that I forget about having fun, learning to relax with her. Rushing for me seems to ruin the mood. What do you think? I may be wrong?!?! :) :) :? :)
 

aleksandra

Member
Orlando said:
However, I don't want to rush. One thing is that if the girl likes me she will also wait for me. I like to go at my own pace. Moving to fast more me creates all this anxiety. I get all caught up in my responsibilties of being a 'good b/f' that I forget about having fun, learning to relax with her. Rushing for me seems to ruin the mood. What do you think? I may be wrong?!?! :) :) :? :)
Orl, you're right. I mean if she likes you already, she cannot move to somebody else TOMORROW just because they are more extrovert then you. That's ridiculous. So, keep going and don't push yourself too much. Just try to spend as much as possible time with her, take it easy and things can happen rather spontaniously. Good luck!
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Houston, We have a problem.

I just spoke with Melissa today. She was talking about alot of private issues....then she spoke about her past boy friend, named Tom. Turns out she really really loves this guy. However, the guy is living far away in Iowa (the other side of the country). Right now, she is in school on the East Coast. She doesn't want to move because then she would have to stay in school longer. When asked will she wait for him, she said "yes." When asked if he would wait for her, she said "yes'" Then I asked, "Then what are you waiting for?" She doesn't know. She is doesn't know why she does not pursue the relationship. She asked me what she should do? As a friend, I advised her to follow Tom.

I sometimes don't know why I keep talking to her. A part of me thinks that she is just telling a story to me so I will make a move. However, that just might be me being deperate and looking for any sign to make a move.

Also, she has shared with me very personal information about her feelings. I feel that if I make a move then she might think all the listening that I have done was a rouge. I was just talking to her to get closer to her.

However, I think, "Well, why the heck am I listening/talking to her? Why am I going out of my way to meet her?" Am I fooling myself? Am I fooling her?

Then I think, "Hey, why can't I compete for her love?" And then I think, "What is this an Olympic event?" She will love who she loves regardless of what I do. Hypothetically, I also worry that if I do pursue her then I will be competing with Tom and I will eventually lose.


Oh I got a headache. :( :( :( :( :( Any suggestions???

A part of me thinks, just to break off all contact with her. This is way too painful for me to deal with. All I need is to do is just chill. I'll need a twinkie and beer and things should be alright.

Oh forget it. I think I'll be come a monk or a priest. It'll be easier that way.
 

neddy

Well-known member
Hi Orlando, Hows it going with Melissa, Sorry to hear that she is already taken but I wouldn't give up the friendship you already have with Melissa. She may not be able to be your girlfriend right now but you can never tell what will happen further down the track. Not all long distance relationships work.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Thank you, Neddy, for your encouragement.

Life is tough there is no doubt about it. I will "roll-with-the-blows", just like everyone else. It is tough to do it alone...but I feel better that other people know how I feel...and that I'm not alone.


Thanks. :D

P.S.

I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I could not stay on the internet. I was just feeling so terrible. Sorry, I just said Hi to you on the Mini-Messenger and then abruptly said, Bye! I was a mess.
 

neddy

Well-known member
Orlando, it's ok about the other day. I haven't been on here much over the last week as I have also having a very bad week. Got to work one day was very depressed couldn't face Terry so I turned around and went back home again but he saw me and came running, then spent the rest of the night stressing about what I was going to do the next day. Luckily Terry has got very thick skin and didn't really mind. I so wish I was over this already.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Neddy,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Especially if you know that you have SA, you know that life-will-have-its-ups-and-downs. With SA life is stressful enough, you don't have to also be angry at yourself for being shy. That's just going to make you more upset!

It is really good that Terry was there to support you.
Bill (one of my best friends) was the only stable friend I made in college. He was really patient with me. I rarely spoke spontaneously and was mostly depressed all the time. He accepted me even when I had multiple panic attacks in social situations. He helped me out by just being there.

Support is so important. Its a blessing. Hey did you thank, Terry, for being there?
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
hey orlando you seem like a really sweet guy who is very loyal and supportive of his friends. I think once you ease a bit of your social anxiety you can win the love of the girl of your dreams. Just go with the flow with your friend. I say make a move when she gives you hints that she likes you. In the meantime be there for her like you've always been. Good luck.
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
hi Olando and other's

It sounds like a difficult situation. I say listen to your true consciounce and awareness of the situation. I think deep down you know whether she likes you or not. It is impossible for us other's to pick on the possible chemistry there if we are not part of it. Us human's (due mainly to fear) are generally not the best at expressing or following our extinct. Personally (it's easier said than done) I would try and listen to my extinct and follow my heart...

Go for it!!! LOL
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Hi, Johno and Isis.

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it. I got some good advice from a good friend (Tris). She said that I need to do something special by the time Easter vacation is over. Good advice. I'll have to excute it. I may ask her if she wants to take dancing lessons with me (She likes dancing. She's the one who got me hooked in the first place). Keep your fingers crossed for me.
 
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