My Personal Journal (Feelings And Thoughts)

[StonerBella420]

March 17: so... im starting a journal... with my feelings and thoughts.... I really dont know how to start so I guess I will just start with today...

Today I have been feeling very down and suicidal... why? because it seems I am blamed for things that I never did... and I hate it. it seems almost everyone is against me and it seems like nothing ever goes right, I have never had a job interview, and it seems I never keep friends and when I do find friends they either use me, stab me in the back and or hurt me. I have never dated anyone either... and it makes me feel so alone, I always wonder what it would feel like to have someone say "I love you" or the feeling of someone giving you that kiss on the lips or that feeling when someone touches you a certain way and you get all excited, the feeling of being loved and the feeling of being owned by someone, the feeling of someone biteing my lip and my neck, the feeling of someone touching my body... I just wanna know how it would feel to like make love and have love.

Another thing going through my mind is, why is it I was accused of an internet messaging rumor incident? I mean this isnt right and isnt fair, I have worked so hard to get where I am today and finding out today at the police station that I was blamed/accused of making rumors that I raped my friends little girl... when I never did no such thing... I would never touch a child and I would never ever hurd anyones child... I have a little sister and I would kill someone if they ever hurt her. I feel so hurt because I just lost this friend over something stupid because she didnt understand that I needed a break for my own health and also because my family needed me and now it hurts that this girl has wrecked my life even more by going to police saying that she seen me do these messages, which now ****s me up for a job working with children!!! I worked so hard on a correspondence course for child daycare and I had amazing marks on it and now she has ****ed me good for getting a good job anywhere because they have on record that I did this... and I swear off my life I NEVER wrote the rumors and I swear off my life I NEVER touched her kid. I love children to death and I would never hurt anyone...

I feel so hurt, worthless and feel like someone has stabbed me in the heart, I even cutted my thighs today after 3 months of quitting, Im hurting so bad right now and wish I was dead, Im hulmiliated that she did this to me, my mom is even angry that this was put against me!!! it isnt fair that I worked hard and now I have no chance at a job, this is my dream, this is my passion, this is what would have made me happy and a great next chapter to my life... now I feel like I have nothing to even live for...

hurting so bad... and dont know what to even do... I dont even want to talk, cause I know I will cry even more than I already have and hurt my heart even more... I never have a chance to prove anything to anyone... it hurts so bad... well... Im gonna go for now...

 

[StonerBella420]

March 19: Today is such a crappy day, so boring and long... and gross outside... my back seems to be hurting a lot today and I dont know why... :S I feel so tired and dragged down. almost in a lazy mode... I dont know whats wrong with me... I been so down I just seem to not be able to bring my mood up at all. can the weather be affecting my mood? I dont know... this has been happening a while I guess.

I guess thiers some good news though... I got my skillet tee shirt and my cool hoodie that I have been waiting for, for a very long time!!!! Im just so lonely though I want to hang out and like get high, being high makes me feel good, it makes me happy and more relaxed, it helps to get rid of my pain and helps my depression and anxety, I wish I had enough money to smoke everyday,especially on days like today when all I want to do is sleep and not do a thing... I feel so weak and wish I had someone to help me get out this.... kinda hard I guess... well... thats all for now.

 

[StonerBella420]

March 20: not really much to say other than being really lonely and stressed, worried about my future and how im ever going to live on my own and worried about if im ever gonna be accepted in this world... it seems im blamed for everything... and seems like no ones around to talk to or even just a shoulder to cry on... I just feel so lonely anymore that I almost wonder if anyone would miss me if I went and killed myself... :'( I just feel so alone and seems Im back to cutting my thighs every day now :'( Im such a regret it seems... I need help and someone to talk to... but I dunno where to even go cause no one listens to me at groups or councelling places... so... ughhh... I guess im alone for now...

 

[singing-love]

Hi, I just wanted to say your never alone. I'm no expert or anything but if you ever need just someone to talk to feel free to PM me, I will answer you . I'm sorry you are feeling so down lately and are being blamed for things that aren't your fault. I hope that things start to pick up for you and that people start seeing how great you are. More importantly I hope that you can see how good you are, life can be difficult throwing one bad thing after another at us, but with some determination and encouragement I know you can make it through. I'm willing to bet if you weren't here anymore people would miss you. Try and keep your chin up! I hope things start improving!

 

[StonerBella420]

Hi, I just wanted to say your never alone. I'm no expert or anything but if you ever need just someone to talk to feel free to PM me, I will answer you . I'm sorry you are feeling so down lately and are being blamed for things that aren't your fault. I hope that things start to pick up for you and that people start seeing how great you are. More importantly I hope that you can see how good you are, life can be difficult throwing one bad thing after another at us, but with some determination and encouragement I know you can make it through. I'm willing to bet if you weren't here anymore people would miss you. Try and keep your chin up! I hope things start improving!

Thanks I really do appreciate it. It just seems I'm never happy anymore nor do I even know what happiness is anymore... Life just seems like it's depressing like altogether unless you have money pretty much :/

 

[StonerBella420]

March 21: today was a bit of a better day I guess... the sun was out and was really nice outside... although I still didnt want to be outside but my mom kicked my butt outside telling me I needed to get out... so I went for a walk with my mom and little sister, I guess that wasnt bad, but I just didnt really wanna be outside... and also my scars on my thighs were kinda sore... I been watching sons of anarchy most of the day and just playing fb games and laying around... I really need to get back into the habit of going to the gym and working out and also a good eatting habit, I havent been eatting the past few days because I been feeling to depressed and downed out with life in general, I feel like I wouldnt be much use to anyone at this point in time... I hope that once the weather is a bit nicer I will feel more better to go out again and do things that I want to do this summer like learning how to roller blade, riding bikes again, going for nice walks, heading to monarch woods ( an old forest I havent been to in years!!!!), and just hopefully having some fun. I guess I will have to see when the time comes...