My most irrational social phobia... laugh if you must

[racheH]

OK I've only ever explained this to my mum. Never seen it described anywhere so I'm not sure if anyone will be able relate. Maybe people have just been as scared as I have of admitting it. Deep breath, this is hard for me:

The reason I was so terrified of school was not just the disapproval of peers. The thing that eventually got me down the most was… fear that staff would disapprove of anyone I was associated with. That’s the best way I can put it. From my nursery days I would sit and hope that no one would be naughty, because I couldn’t bear to see adults thinking we were bad.

For most of my school years, the most absolutely dreaded experience was school assembly. The staff seemed so stressed when people wouldn't stop talking on their way in and out... and I know how ridiculous this sounds. To take myself seriously as I'm typing I'm having to recall how I felt. It was all very real.

It's not just in school either. If I was watching a performance and the audience wasn't to my mind 'well behaved', as they often aren't when you're on holiday, I got extremely anxious. I feel the need to escape. Just occasionally I get that fear again - it was the hardest of my social phobias to lose.

I’ve recently considered that the cause of this was teachers who said: “Everybody!” when some people were disobedient. It sounds nuts, but until this year I thought they meant, “I strongly disapprove of everybody whom I just gave instructions to.” I guess because the other kids weren’t scared of disapproval anyway, they didn’t interpret things in that paranoid way. They knew as I now do, that those teachers meant that they expected everybody to be good, and that the implication was that those who weren't compliant were not exempt from the rules. From then on, anger at my class/group was almost as painful as anger at me. The only difference was that I had no control over the situation. I could only sit, do nothing, say nothing like a good child and silently pray to God that everyone would just SHUT UP AND BE GOOD. :evil: I sound like a lunatic...

Even though I’ve accepted that most people will always think I’m weird, the habit of keeping this thing secret is hard to break. I can’t explain it… That thread about being ashamed of fear made me think… Out of everything, I was more scared of anyone realising how I felt about this than I was scared of the prospect of living the rest of my childhood with it. That’s a lot of fear.

*sigh* Well, even if you all think I'm crazy now, at least no-one will be ashamed to tell me anything about themselves anymore... :roll:

 

[Hamble]

I don't think you're crazy. It's horrible to be "tarred with the same brush", especially when you're trying so hard to make a good impression and the others around you spoil it. Guilty by association so to speak.
You just respect authority, which is something to be proud of and makes you a good person.
I'm sure even though the teachers use the word "everybody" as a figure of speech, they know full well who the trouble makers are, as well as knowing exactly who the well behaved good natured pupils are too even though they don't express that infront of you.
When would you say you began being very sensitive about scenarios like this? Would you say your parents were very strict and expected alot from you and that you hated disapointing them? :roll:

 

[racheH]

Thanks for the reply Hamble

My mum always seemed to me to avoid confrontation, and I thought at the time that she was scared of it. I learned that the same way I learned arachnophobia. Plus I got the impression that the most important thing in her eyes was that no one, not even complete strangers, judged her. If I had a tantrum she could all but ignore it unless anyone was watching, when she'd freak out and say I was 'showing her up'. I didn't have a particularly strict upbringing though. I felt secure at home because I had plenty of people I knew loved me. I must have picked up on all this stuff very early on, because I can remember social phobic feelings from my days at nursery school, when I would have been one of the toddlers.

Well that helps explain my general social phobia at least, but as for worrying when other people were judged, I can only assume it started with things as subtle as the 'everybody' phrase, and that would have been when I was 5 and a half.

Hmm I probably have always respected authority, because my earliest experiences of it were positive - I naively trusted adults to know what was best. This wasn't rational respect though. This was fear, which often became hatred. Hate for the troublemakers at first, but I also thought harshly of any who made me feel like that unnecessarily. I honestly believed they knew how it made me feel, and that they wanted it to. I thought I was being deliberately tortured. I don't know how people feel about this, but I think expressing unexplained disapproval to a very young social phobe can have the same effects as physical abuse. I've noticed similarities between my own behaviour and that of people who've had that. For one thing, I blamed myself and felt I deserved what I got. That seriously lowered my self-esteem until I worked out what had caused it. Also, I’ve found out that when a child knows that nothing they do will ever stop them being hurt, they may display an advanced form of avoidant behaviour, where they ‘go somewhere else’ in their mind, which is how I’d describe what I did while all this was going on. It was hard, because my first instinct was to closely monitor every detail of the situation so I could assess the ‘risk’ at all times. It took all my energy to force myself to think of something else. Both of these mechanisms meant I was labelled a daydreamer, and lazy, because I couldn’t concentrate in those conditions and got little work done.

It's good to get this off my chest at last

 

[Angie_05]

I don't think that you are crazy. I'm sure all of us have a phobia or an issue we are afraid to admit.

It's so awesome that you felt you could share that with us. I understand where you are coming from. I have a similar phobia. I am very choosy about who I am seen with in public because I am so scared of the other person doing something crazy and everybody judging me for being with them. I didn't really apply this to school, though.

Maybe you have an altered view of teachers as some kind of ultimate authority figure or judge of character. This may have come from having teachers very early in life who were very strict or critical of you or others in your class. I was always kind of fearful of my teachers also. I could never talk to them in my normal voice. I would sound so childish when I spoke to them. My voice would almost disappear and the words wouldn't come out right. I have almost gotten past this, but I still hesitate to speak to any of my professors.

 

[racheH]

Thank you very much thoughtless
That made me smile

 

[racheH]

Yeah, that's pretty similar to what I got, Angie05.

I think the difference with mine is that although I was afraid that people would think I was weird, and I wouldn't like to be around anyone who'd embarrass me as with you, I was a lot more afraid of anyone, especially authority figures and adults, thinking I was 'bad'.

Well I'm glad someone can understand anyway

 

[black_mamba]

I don't know how people feel about this, but I think expressing unexplained disapproval to a very young social phobe can have the same effects as physical abuse.

This makes a lot of sense. Maybe it could even be sowing the seeds for warped thought patterns if the child is still learning basic communication skills (and isn't a social phobe already).

Interesting topic racheh, I always find you're posts thought provoking. 8)

 

[racheH]

Thanks black_mamba... wow. Thought provoking? I thought I was just over-opinionated lol... well that's how most people make me feel (not here). Nice to know I can at least please people in writing

 

[black_mamba]

I have to say thats there's nothing majorly wrong in being over opinionated, however I can see how you may percieve it as a negative trait since it gets a lot of attention socially, and opinionated women tend to be thought of as whingers. :lol:

I guess the only problem with it would be stubborness; not absorbing new ideas purely because they disagree with yours. You definitely don't seem that way though.

 

[racheH]

Lol! Yes of course I bet they're all just sexist...

Actually, 'most people' was a big exaggeration. I used to fear expressing an unpopular opinion when I was younger and that could still make you a target for bullies. Other than that, right now my interests aren't widely shared by my age group so I just get the glazed-eye look most of the time. :lol:

This place is great. Thanks for being so cool everyone

 

[despise]

hey racheh. i have a similar problem to you, but i just never really understood until you posted about it. i think mine is'nt as worrying to me though. if that makes sense. :? anyway, in primary school during the big gatherings i would also get very anxious when the people around me were acting up. i still do, but not as much. maybe it all started when i got punished by my year 2 teacher for talking during a test, except it wasnt me, it was the person next to me. i was heart broken. i had to line up with all the other 'naughty kids' during my lunch times for a whole week. i was almost always in tears, but i didnt have enough courage to tell the teacher it wasnt me. she would'nt have believed me anyway i guess. :roll:

on a more recent occasion, my english class - the majority of them are ignorant and do not listen to the teacher at all. i actually had alot of respect for my english teacher, i also feared him a little as well, because i looked up to him so much. it got to the stage where he just couldnt teach when more then half the class were not listening to him but talking to eachother (i happened to be sitting amongst all of the loud people, which made it so much worse for me.)
he just said "all of those who actually want to learn come and sit on this side of the room" i freaked out then...i was scared the teacher would think i was just like all the others if i didnt move, but i also worried that all of the 'bad' kids would think i was a nerd because i wanted to learn - so i thought they would tease me and talk about me. after a little while i ended up moving to the other side of the room where the people who wanted to listen to the teacher were sitting and the others didnt say anything, just fell silent but stayed where they were. i was happy that i made myself move.

wow, sorry about going on like this. i'll stop now. just letting you know that your not alone with feeling like that around teachers or people with authority.

 

[Butterfly]

Hi peeps!!
I hadn't thought of this for decades, but at the age of 6 I used to cry hysterically when the teacher threatened to call in the principal because something was missing from the classroom (such as a pencil case or eraser). I was so naive and well-behaved that the situation was just unbearable.

Up to this day, I avoid people that others might find questionable; guess growing up in a *very* small town had something to do with it. My mother hates confrontation and gave me a lot of freedom when growing up, except for anything that could remotely embarrass her.

BTW, I also have problems with authority figures such as bosses.

Thanks for this thread

 

[racheH]

hey racheh. i have a similar problem to you, but i just never really understood until you posted about it. i think mine is'nt as worrying to me though. if that makes sense.

Yeah I think I know what you mean - I say I have arachnophobia (sp?)but then I don't tape up doors to stop spiders coming in like some do 8O

i was almost always in tears, but i didnt have enough courage to tell the teacher it wasnt me. she would'nt have believed me anyway i guess.

on a more recent occasion, my english class - the majority of them are ignorant and do not listen to the teacher at all. i actually had alot of respect for my english teacher, i also feared him a little as well, because i looked up to him so much. it got to the stage where he just couldnt teach when more then half the class were not listening to him but talking to eachother (i happened to be sitting amongst all of the loud people, which made it so much worse for me.)
he just said "all of those who actually want to learn come and sit on this side of the room" i freaked out then...i was scared the teacher would think i was just like all the others if i didnt move, but i also worried that all of the 'bad' kids would think i was a nerd because i wanted to learn - so i thought they would tease me and talk about me. after a little while i ended up moving to the other side of the room where the people who wanted to listen to the teacher were sitting and the others didnt say anything, just fell silent but stayed where they were. i was happy that i made myself move.

I can vividly relate to both of these. Generally my fear of the teacher won over that of the students, too.

wow, sorry about going on like this. i'll stop now. just letting you know that your not alone with feeling like that around teachers or people with authority.

No need to apologise, honestly. It's surprised me that anyone at all has felt the same way! Thanks for sharing

 

[racheH]

My mother hates confrontation and gave me a lot of freedom when growing up, except for anything that could remotely embarrass her.

BTW, I also have problems with authority figures such as bosses.

That experience is just like mine. Other adults were always who I thought she most seeked respect from. Also, my mum was over-protective and would tell me off for things that she let my friends get away with when they came over, which gave me the ideas that I would always be relatively incompetent and inferior to other people, who should be placated in case they would *shock horror* disapprove. If only I'd understood all this at the time...
Does this ring a bell for you as well? It seems that many of us have learnt these lessons in similar ways.

 

[Butterfly]

You're right, racheH. In spite of our different backgrounds, many of us have learned our negative thoughts in similar ways.

My therapist says mothers with low self-esteem tend to see their children in the same light as they see themselves. This is my explanation for being made to feel inferior to my friends in many, subtle ways.

Jeez, sometimes I'm tired of blaming my mother and other relatives for my problems. It's soo cliché, don't you think? :?

The thing is, negative experiences that are hard-coded in our brains since childhood keep coming back. I'm not a child any more, but still react as if I was a helpless 10-year-old. 8O

ps. Not whining here, just comforted by being able to connect with you all :wink:

 

[racheH]

My therapist says mothers with low self-esteem tend to see their children in the same light as they see themselves. This is my explanation for being made to feel inferior to my friends in many, subtle ways.

Jeez, sometimes I'm tired of blaming my mother and other relatives for my problems. It's soo cliché, don't you think?

What your therapist says makes a lot of sense to me.
I have felt uncomfortable writing these things about my mum because it's as if I'm just critisizing her as a mother. Personally, I feel very lucky to have the family I have, but that doesn't stop the fact that one or two of her mistakes have made a huge impact on my life so far, which is ironic, as she thought those things would protect me. I believe that most of both people's interpersonal strengths and weaknesses are a direct result of early experiences with parents. The fact that it's cliché at least suggests that it's frequently the case, and not another wild theory. Don't you find the knowledge that this was only ever made into your problem by other people, as comforting as the evidence here that you aren't the only one? I ask because understanding that let my self-esteem shoot far up, and I imagined this would be the case for everybody. I've learned though that accepting that my family's parenting skills weren't perfect doesn't mean that they loved me any less than I'd always thought. In fact I've learned a lot since finding this site