My LONG story...Suggestions?

[yesokay]

This is going to be a very long post...so brace yourselves...

I just wanted to basically tell my story and ask you guys what I should do next. Anyway, I'm a 20 year old college sophomore who does well in school but who barely has a social life. I'm also just now coming to terms with the fact that I am a gay man and that has a large amount to do with the cause of my problems...although to be honest the nature of my problems beyond that one fact are not really gay related at all.


I feel really lost right now. I only just very recently accepted the fact that I am gay after about four years of complete turmoil on the issue (most of the time spent in just about total avoidance and isolation, but I did try to date a girl who pursued me because I felt it was expected of me). Being gay, of course, was never the whole issue but it was a big part in what led me to isolate myself from the world. I'm pretty much an anxious, depressed, and isolated mess and basically haven't been myself at all for about four years. I constantly fear rejection and I have been aware to an unhealthy level of the amount of crap people like me get daily if they live openly in this society. I also, of course, share all the common fears and symptoms of social anxiety: convincing myself that I'm an absolutely uninteresting person, low self-esteem, avoiding people I know, never going out, no friends at all, never answering or even turning on my phone, nervous shaking, blushing, etc. I just wall myself off from the world completely.


When I came home for winter break last week, I finally, in a bizarre and unplanned gut reaction that kind of left me reeling afterwards, came out to my parents...I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. They were completely shocked (you would never know by talking to me or anything, so I expected them to be), but they took it very well and are 100% supportive. I honestly don't know what I would have done if they hadn't been supportive (it would not have been pretty), but if I had looked at it from a more rational standpoint, it was quite obvious that there was just about zero chance that they would reject me as I am very close to my family.

They have known for a long time that I have suffered from social anxiety and they have supported me as I've tried going to all kinds of therapy and even went on prozac (which DID NOT help) for about six months. I tried a general therapist last year and she did not help at all. I also went to a group therapy thing for people with social anxiety, but I started to avoid it of course as just the idea of going freaked me out (and I was scared to death that I would have to tell them what I felt was my terrible secret).

I'm now seeing a Cognitive Behavioral therapist during the break and I think it is really helping me a lot, as I actually got the courage to go out with my high school friends last night and, although I was nervous, had a great time.

Now on to what you good people think I should do next. I go back to college (where I have no friends due to a combination of my psychological state and my heavy study habits) in early January and I really want to start changing my life when I get back.

Anyway, I really want to start finally getting out there and making friends (and maybe a relationship down the line), but I really have no idea where to start. I've basically been on the sidelines of my own life for the past four years.

I think I've made progress in the fact that I have gone from being numbed to the world, depressed and anxious to something I would describe more as lonely, pathetic and anxious. I actually want to stop isolating myself now.

I've set goals with my therapist over what to do...small steps like asking some acquaintances from my French class to lunch one day, or finally taking up the offer to have tea with the girl who lives across the hall from me (embarrassingly, she has asked me at least five times
)...actually answering my phone (as if anyone would call me). Do you guys have any other (small) suggestions as to what I should do? How do you all cope with feeling anxious in situations like these?

Am I the only one who feels like it is harder to make friends when you don't already have friends? I feel like if I start making friends that people will find out that I don't have friends and then think I'm pathetic or something. It also doesn't help, of course, when you don't have any friends to go to social events with...

And to anybody who is gay around here...how do you think I should even begin to start being open about this? I still feel shame about talking about it with my family, and feel very awkward about it in general...my social anxiety will not help me at all in my quest to be comfortable about this. I've always had the irrational fear that if I were to start making friends (even without telling them I'm gay) that my sexuality would limit the amount of people that I could hang out with by pushing me into one corner of society or that I would suddenly become a lisping stereotype (which I am definitely not) because that is what society would expect of me. How do you guys manage to make connections (and many romantic connections obviously) without falling into just one part of society? I guess my point is, while I want and need gay friends, I don't want to be defined by my sexuality by any means and I want straight friends too.

Okay screw all that, I JUST WANT FRIENDS. PERIOD. Gay, straight, black,white, Martian, whatever.

So there, that is all of my problems. I will probably have to deal with the first set of questions before I ever even get to the point where I'll be able to deal with actually living openly (which I probably won't even have to do until I'm ready to actually pursue a relationship as I think it is really on a need to know basis...although I've decided that I won't hesitate to answer in the affirmative in the unlikely event that somebody asks me if I'm gay).

 

[sabbath92003]

Hi yesokay, welcome to SPW!

 

[nico82]

Hey yesokay, I'm a gay male too and I can totally relate to ALOT of what you just wrote (like being depressed, anxious, lonely). And also the part about not having any friends. Yes, I do feel it's hard to make friends when you don't really have any, or also on the other hand when you have some and you always blow them off because you're afraid to go (I've been on both boats). You can never win with SA, lol.

About being gay, you have one huge advantage over me: you're out to your family. I'm currently in the closet and still live with my parents. It's so weird not being able to tell them, to have this part of my life and self just hidden. My brother doesn't know either. Sometimes I just want to tell them but since I'm Hispanic the homophobia seems to be more stronger (from what I've witnessed and heard since I was a child).

For me that part limits my being able to really date anyone else unless they also happen to be a closet case or don't mind it. I think being in the closet has caused alot of my anxiety. Just being around them I always feel like they're gonna find out and it just freaks me out. I hope to move eventually.

The way I think you ought to start be more open about it is just not to make it an issue. In the past couple of years I haven't really hid it from other aspects of my life, like say at work. I've never announced and most people have enough manners in not to ask your about your "girlfriend" or "wife."

At my last job I hid it for a long time from my straight male friend as I was worried on how he would take it but eventually it inadvertently got revealed and it was a non-issue. Of course it ain't always gonna be that way but to me it's different than coming out to family members as these are people you choose to be around instead of someone that you will always be related to.

And even do you don't want to be defined by your sexuality, you'll probably end up just making more friendships with gay people than with say straight males as you understand each other and share a common bond.

So anyway, those are my ramblings on what I thought about your post. If you want to talk more send me a PM.

 

[bri]

sounds to me like you are doing very well in getting better. You're making all the right moves. Whatever you do, try your best to avoid taking any more meds that a psychiatrists may suggest, such as Xanax or Klonopin (or any benzodiasepene, the class of these drugs) becuase theyre VERY addicting (they work REALLY well, that's why), but they're no better than relying on drinking or getting high all the time to make yourself more comfortable around others.

But, as to what you described, like I said, you're making a lot of progress - really!

Here are some suggestions...
Try GROUP therapy again. I know it was not easy for you...but it's one of the best ways to get better. Find a gay men's support group. You may not feel comfortable doing that right now in your life, and I'm not sure from your message where you live, but try to find out. Actually I would recommend a simple gay men's group. It's really difficult to find a gay men's social phobia group, even if you live in a big city. But there are 2 great advantages to this. First, if you're in a social phobia group, there's less pressure. Everyone there suffers from the same thing. If you want to dive in, and get better faster, it's more "real life re-enacting" to deal with your social phob issues with others who may not understand. But let the group leader know, and they'll explain to the group what your symptoms are so you'll be understood if you blush or stutter or sweat.

The other great benefit of a gay men support group is obviously, everyone there knows what it's like to come out to more people, and this gives you a chance to come out to a larger group. But, don't worry -- usually group therapy has maybe 10 people at the most.

Also, maybe after this, or at the same time, join a gay group on your campus. You'll have more opportunities to make friends with other LGBTs.

A lot of gay friends I have...even the ones who are very "gay acting", as it were, often feel a need to "come out" to someone they are getting to know. I'm not the most femme guy. Usually people know I'm gay at the outset. But, this may sound weird, I don't want people to mistake me for straight. I actually always will find some way to bring it up. It helps if you're dating someone (oh, my boyfriend and I blah blah blah). Or in some kind of group (oh yeah, I have a meeting for gay marriage group blah blah). Anyway, even without that -- just trust me: over time you will feel more comfortable with who you are. It's the same with everyone -- gay OR straight.

And you'll always have friends -- straight, gay, etc -- as long as you have something in common with them. Yes, very often gay men have more in common and COMFORT with other gay men. But that's not to say a non-discriminatory straight person won't want to be your friend. I am lucky. I live in NYC, so there are plenty of gays, but also plenty of straights who either couldn't care less that you're gay -- and who want to talk with me about movies or politics or whatever.

Like I said, sounds to me like you are doing pretty well on your process of getting over your social phobia and being more comfortable with your sexuality. The sooner and faster you work on both, the faster you'll feel better.

 

[danstelter]

I can relate to a lot of your story as well. College was a difficult transition for me because I had lots of friends and went to a small, rural high school. However, this was how I ended up having a social life:

I just followed my interests and joined groups on campus or in the community like the social work club for students. If a group sucked or whatever, I just left and found a different one until I found a good one. I didn't make a ton of friends right away, but I did make many over the years.

Also, once I got into my major and saw more of my classmates more regularly, I started to develop more friendships as well.

You are doing the right things in seeing a therapist and attempting to move out into the world! Just remember that it will be tough, but your anxiety will reduce and you will get happier in the long run!