My life's story so far

[Alexx]

When I was at elementary school, I used to stand alone and watch other kids play during lunch break. Had very overprotective parents (still do) Then after that at high school I couldn't really make friends, I don't know why. When I was in class 2(of 4) I had to move to a small town, I had to bike 20 mins to the bus stop and 30 mins with the bus to get there, When I was in class 3 I met a girl there, she was kind and beautiful.

We were nice to each other but I never got to make the first move because I was too pussy to do it. A few months later she graduated and I had to move back to the city where I moved from. This was a year ago.
Now I realized that I were in love with that girl I met. Here I am, heart broken. I failed my last year of high school. Now I am in college, 16 years old, still don't make alot of contact with people. I am considering killing myself if it won't be better in the coming few years.

Now I also discovered that I have social anxiety, I fail at starting and managing conversations with people, I am off the scale of shy and heavily depressed. I also did some research and found out that I am extremely love-shy.
I have resorted to using weed and alcohol to forget it but it only lasts for like an hour or 2, I need a more permanent solution.

Do you guys have any advice for me, something I can do at least to supress it? Because I am tired to live like this.

 

[of_darkness]

get over it. You don't want kill yourself...first point to mention is how young you are!!! You're young, and when I was that age I was so much worse than I am now. You might not improve but you'll understand yourself in a few years, therefore feeling ok. You'll accept yourself and see things aren't so bad. I really mean that. You'll be in charge of your life and be able to see from the outside, sounds kinda magical...

I'm 18, just finished school, started first year of uni. I was quiet, never started conversations, never contined them either once I was in. I had friends who I lost contact with slowly until the very end of the 6th form where I had 2 people I could call friends, and the rest I decided I didn't like. Not a good move maybe but I disliked all of the people I used to be friends with, who were the "nice" people. Too nice, I didn't like their jokes, and they weren't into anything interesting like music or art...

so yeah, I didn't talk to anyone in the end, only politely when I had to. I've had a hard time too, possibly parent induced.

I'm not going to say it is better in the next few years, mate.. you'll have to cope with a lot of shit but noone has it easy anyway. You need to help yourself, cause telling yourself you have a problem is the biggest mistake. It's funny how you're asking if we have advice to supress it as if it' an illness you have. I don't believe stuff like that. You've just fucked your live chances up like the rest of us, really. Do you feel painfully self conscious which varies with heavy mood swings? Cause in my case I'm always changing direction about how I view people and how I think they view me. Sometimes I'm sailing along happily, not bothered by being a bit quiet and modest, other times I feel horrible like killing myself would be more fun. You need to stop that happening, and think that positive is the only option. There must be something about you you're feeling bad about, it can't be that you're just shy. Also in life you'll find that you're automatically thinking people are going to be better than you. Like whilst walking with groups of people through tight spaces like pavements I hang back to leave space for them to talk to each other, without thinking. If I'm separating them I feel like an annoyance. And I never take charge. Another example is just now, (I'm in a flat of 5, and we were in 2 groups) when we had to ring the others, I would NEVER consider doing it myself. it always has to be someone else to take the lead and make decisions.

I hope that helps. You need to notice when you're in autopilot and read people's feelings more, otherwise you'll fall down more holes and never really know what's up with your stupid failure of a life! I know what you mean, I would give anything to be normal and just talk to people but life is a bitch to us lot....good luck, don't forget how young you are. In 2 years your life will make sense, cause I was soooo list at your age

 

[Alexx]

Do you feel painfully self conscious which varies with heavy mood swings?

Yes. I was walking home from the dentist and I walked past a shop that makes name signs for houses etc. And one of those signs happened to have my name on it and the name of the girl I still love to death. I am gonna be honest about it, I cried myself to sleep that day.

It can be if I am at home, at school, whatever. If it happens I get depressed for the rest of the day. I am terrified of being rejected. I have never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl as well. I just feel I am lacking something and something like a big empty spot on my heart. I think this is what causes my shyness. When I took hours to get the courage to ask a girl she said no. It had such impact on me that is how I got it.