My IllExistence - Journal

illexistence

New member
7 months of not doing well and I am feeling worse. I am struggling with getting up every day now. I just want to sleep. I would love to do something more with my life but there are just too many barricades in my life at the moment. But how long am I going to allow this to go on for? Another 7 months? Another 7 years?

I have next to no motivation at all. I have been trying to focus on other things though such as my Playstation 3, painting computer and movies. Even those are getting uninteresting to me, except painting. Been enjoying that when I feel creative but that isn't every day. If I don't find anything to keep myself interested and occupied for the day, the minute I get bored I just think of going back to bed. I'm just wasting away and I am hating it. I am tired of feeling like I have accomplished nothing in my life but move out of my hometown.

After the move, I have tried to attend school and have tried a 4 week trial period for a job to which I didn't end up meeting their standards. Didn't help that I called in "sick" a few times during that duration. Attendance is hard to maintain for myself. Even for appointments, the doctors, the dentist, meeting with a therapist. Just haven't been making those at all lately, so I just gave up setting up appointments because now I have been charged with bills from the doc/dental office for being a no-show. Between the two I owe $180. I can't afford that even though I have assistance. Way to go, Me!

I have not talked to a therapist in about a year. She ended up going on long-term medical leave and she was going to set me up with someone else. I have set up appointments to meet this new worker but never made it. She hasn't called back for me to reschedule or to see what was going on. My other therapist would have. I am just really not sure what to do from here on out with my life. I can't get a job, I can't attend school, I have no friends or even family in the area. I have been living in this city for 7 years and only made one friend. My current boyfriend of 4 years. We have our issues and I can tell that I am wearing him out with having to support me and my emotions. I feel for him and I wish I could be more stable.

I just want to enjoy life to the fullest! I want to smile and be comfortable with my life. I want to be confident, happy and full of life. I am the opposite of everything and want to change that. But how?
 

myke

Member
the same here:stuck : SA,no friends ,waste time,depression.. a lots of people with SA i believe live like that ..hope with a new med lexapro things will get better somehow but have to wait 4-6 weeks for him to have efect..if not works prozac paxil or benzo.. i have to go to work to pay bills after that :(
 
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