my boyfriend has social anxiety

[phatkat]

Oddly enough, I actually met him speed dating - something that I later found out took a tremendous amount of courage for him to do. Anyway, we've been together for five months. He's funny, sweet, smart, caring, and my best friend. We get along incredibly well, we've been great for each other, and I love him so much.

However, at times it gets a little difficult for both of us. See, I'm very extroverted and always have been. I've tried introducing him to a few of my friends (I knew he was "shy", I just didn't know the extent of it until he revealed more to me) and it never goes well. The witty, smart guy I know will barely say two words to my friends. That's hard, but I'm willing to compromise, and he definitely doesn't have to hang around my friends much or at all. But we live an hour apart and see each other on weekends. He gets upset if I want to see my friends for a special occasion (someone's birthday or something) and it falls on a weekend; he doesn't want to go and I don't want to miss out on seeing my friends. It feels like neither of us can win in that situation! Plus he hates hearing about my friends because he says he gets jealous that he doesn't have friends....but then he says he doesn't have the "mental energy" for friends. Jealousy about me going out and having fun with people (past and present) is actually a common theme with him.

He's actually seen a counselor a couple of times, but he wasn't fond of the experience. He refuses to consider medication. He says I think he's crazy because I suggested it. (The interesting thing is that I suffer from anxiety issues myself and I take lexapro - and he knows it!!)

He's fine in most social situations, but he hates groups of people and he feels like my friends are going to judge him or decide that he's not good enough, he feels like an outsider, like he's "2 feet tall" in his words, and he just worries the whole time.

I'm actually in school to be a counselor myself, although I really can't/shouldn't act as his therapist, and I try not to! But I'm trying to be understanding and come up with a good compromise. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes and look out for myself too. Any advice? Has anyone on the other side of things had to deal with this? What did you do?

Thanks!

~kat

 

[Danfalc]

I just want to say that tho at times it might seem like hes dragging his feet on purpose... he really probaly doesnt mean to Him getting jelous... isnt out of nast or because hes a jelous person.Its not because he doesnt trust you.I think jelousy can be a real issue for people with sp specialy in severe cases.We just dont think were good enough.. we constantly think your going to meet someone else when your out and about speaking to together people.You can probaly reasure him till your blue in the face but the same things will niggle him untill he finaly comes to peace with things.. again its just lack of self belief rather than lack of trust.

Deep down he prob really wants to be able to go out with you and be around your friends but it really is so hard.I think you need to accept (which it sounds like you already have) untill he gets better that its just too hard for him,but at the same time he needs to accept your still gonna want to go out with your mates and have a social life and do all the things you want to do.He might get jelous it might cause arguments and that at first but when he realises your not going anyhere he will accept it.

Seeing a counselor isnt always the posative helpfull experience it should be.Sounds like hes had a bad experience.Ive had therapy pushed onto me which really made me worse.But he does need help...and i dont think its too much to ask for you to suggest he try medication,specialy if the end results means life could be better for both of you.Or at least getting some from of treatment if he doesnt want to go down the medication track.

Anyway sorry i cant help more,he's really lucky to have you cos you obviously care about him alot and really try and understand, i wsh you both the best of luck.

 

[SocialButterSlip]

Oddly enough, I actually met him speed dating - something that I later found out took a tremendous amount of courage for him to do. Anyway, we've been together for five months. He's funny, sweet, smart, caring, and my best friend. We get along incredibly well, we've been great for each other, and I love him so much.

However, at times it gets a little difficult for both of us. See, I'm very extroverted and always have been. I've tried introducing him to a few of my friends (I knew he was "shy", I just didn't know the extent of it until he revealed more to me) and it never goes well. The witty, smart guy I know will barely say two words to my friends. That's hard, but I'm willing to compromise, and he definitely doesn't have to hang around my friends much or at all. But we live an hour apart and see each other on weekends. He gets upset if I want to see my friends for a special occasion (someone's birthday or something) and it falls on a weekend; he doesn't want to go and I don't want to miss out on seeing my friends. It feels like neither of us can win in that situation! Plus he hates hearing about my friends because he says he gets jealous that he doesn't have friends....but then he says he doesn't have the "mental energy" for friends. Jealousy about me going out and having fun with people (past and present) is actually a common theme with him.

He's actually seen a counselor a couple of times, but he wasn't fond of the experience. He refuses to consider medication. He says I think he's crazy because I suggested it. (The interesting thing is that I suffer from anxiety issues myself and I take lexapro - and he knows it!!)

He's fine in most social situations, but he hates groups of people and he feels like my friends are going to judge him or decide that he's not good enough, he feels like an outsider, like he's "2 feet tall" in his words, and he just worries the whole time.

I'm actually in school to be a counselor myself, although I really can't/shouldn't act as his therapist, and I try not to! But I'm trying to be understanding and come up with a good compromise. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes and look out for myself too. Any advice? Has anyone on the other side of things had to deal with this? What did you do?

Thanks!

~kat

well he has to work on his jealousy, his being selfish and he has to see that

 

[Atlantis]

Hi phatkat.

I´ve found the situation you described somewhat familiar.... lol. I'm like that too, sometimes I reject the help people are trying to give.

I have social anxiety too, and I know how it is. You are trying to help, but he like rejects the help right ? Like if he wanted to be left alone with his problem ? Thats not true, you can help him. Actually thats what you must do. Under no reason or circunstance you should leave him alone with his problem or try to reach a compromise. The more intromission the better, and there is absolutely no exageration. He doesn't want you to stop trying to help.... thats very important to understand.

But you will have try to it carefully, you must show you want do help, and show that a lot. Trying being friendly and nice and show that you mean no harm. It will be difficult for him to understand, and he will tend to assume a defensive position. Sometimes you have to be really friendly and nice and insist on that.... hope you're good in that.

He must try to face the situations, so you can bring him to see your friends or do whatever you wish, but the situations is still extremelly hard for him. If he accepts its still very probable that he will not say anything to your friends if thats what he does, or act in the expected way over the situation he is in since after all the problem exists. Anyway, I think in those cases you may help him by try to let him know he is in a friendly place and there is no menace. Try to make him feel safe.

It is very cool that you want to help him, you even came to this site to look for advice. Not many people would do that. Judging by what you have wrote I think you are really trying to help. That is a great thing !!! People with social anxiety need badly that kind of support you are trying to give to him. By my experience it is extremely rare to find, and an essential thing to help them get out of that situation.

 

[proudmummy]

There have been times where my boyfriend has really had to persuade me to go somewhere, and i've really begged him not to take me and hes practically dragged me somewhere but I had a good time everytime.

Don't let him just stay put, keep persisiting. He will feel great for it once hes out there.

 

[phatkat]

I just want to say that tho at times it might seem like hes dragging his feet on purpose... he really probaly doesnt mean to Him getting jelous... isnt out of nast or because hes a jelous person.Its not because he doesnt trust you.I think jelousy can be a real issue for people with sp specialy in severe cases.We just dont think were good enough.. we constantly think your going to meet someone else when your out and about speaking to together people.You can probaly reasure him till your blue in the face but the same things will niggle him untill he finaly comes to peace with things.. again its just lack of self belief rather than lack of trust.

Deep down he prob really wants to be able to go out with you and be around your friends but it really is so hard.I think you need to accept (which it sounds like you already have) untill he gets better that its just too hard for him,but at the same time he needs to accept your still gonna want to go out with your mates and have a social life and do all the things you want to do.He might get jelous it might cause arguments and that at first but when he realises your not going anyhere he will accept it.

Seeing a counselor isnt always the posative helpfull experience it should be.Sounds like hes had a bad experience.Ive had therapy pushed onto me which really made me worse.But he does need help...and i dont think its too much to ask for you to suggest he try medication,specialy if the end results means life could be better for both of you.Or at least getting some from of treatment if he doesnt want to go down the medication track.

Anyway sorry i cant help more,he's really lucky to have you cos you obviously care about him alot and really try and understand, i wsh you both the best of luck.

You're right about that....he doesn't think he's good enough for me and he thinks I'll find someone else. If he could possibly see himself the way I see him, he would know that's not going to happen, but of course he's not able to see that.

I think he may not be ready to talk to a counselor (he just tried for the first time); people aren't always ready to meet their feelings head on. I don't know that the counselor's style was right for him - she was one of those who wanted to assign "homework" right off the bat. He told me about her and I personally would've done things differently with my clients....but I wasn't there either!

He's going out with me for a friend's birthday next weekend. Small victory. Last time he went out with this particular group, he shocked me by singing karaoke. Seriously! I guess I'll see how it goes but I'm not expecting him to be the life of the party - and that's ok. I love him for him, issues and all. After all, he does the same for me!

Thanks for your input!

 

[phatkat]

Hi phatkat.

I´ve found the situation you described somewhat familiar.... lol. I'm like that too, sometimes I reject the help people are trying to give.

I have social anxiety too, and I know how it is. You are trying to help, but he like rejects the help right ? Like if he wanted to be left alone with his problem ? Thats not true, you can help him. Actually thats what you must do. Under no reason or circunstance you should leave him alone with his problem or try to reach a compromise. The more intromission the better, and there is absolutely no exageration. He doesn't want you to stop trying to help.... thats very important to understand.

But you will have try to it carefully, you must show you want do help, and show that a lot. Trying being friendly and nice and show that you mean no harm. It will be difficult for him to understand, and he will tend to assume a defensive position. Sometimes you have to be really friendly and nice and insist on that.... hope you're good in that.

He must try to face the situations, so you can bring him to see your friends or do whatever you wish, but the situations is still extremelly hard for him. If he accepts its still very probable that he will not say anything to your friends if thats what he does, or act in the expected way over the situation he is in since after all the problem exists. Anyway, I think in those cases you may help him by try to let him know he is in a friendly place and there is no menace. Try to make him feel safe.

It is very cool that you want to help him, you even came to this site to look for advice. Not many people would do that. Judging by what you have wrote I think you are really trying to help. That is a great thing !!! People with social anxiety need badly that kind of support you are trying to give to him. By my experience it is extremely rare to find, and an essential thing to help them get out of that situation.

That is exactly what it is, re: not being very accepting of help. I thought maybe it was a male thing. Is it a SA thing then? Or maybe both? He tells me sometimes to turn off the therapist mode with him...but I'm trained as a therapist so he probably has a point, lol.

I try my best to make him feel safe in social situations. I purposely try to spend one-on-one time with him even in a group and that seems to help. My friends are all awesome, accepting people (I'd never bring him around anyone that wasn't!) but he still feels threatened by them. Well, either one day he won't, or he always will and we'll always have to approach this gently. Either way, I'm ok with it.

I most definitely am trying here. And like I said, I have anxiety issues myself, just not in that realm, so I'm trying to understand based on that too.

Thanks so much for sharing your point of view. You guys are all making me feel a little better about this. Honestly, significant others of SA sufferers need support too. I'm finding that a number of my friends have trouble understanding why he acts the way he does. I even had someone once try to tell me he was being controlling/abusive! I know him well enough to know that he would never try to control or hurt me and that this is something out of his control. I came here to get some understanding of what he's going through and I've gotten that so far.

 

[phatkat]

There have been times where my boyfriend has really had to persuade me to go somewhere, and i've really begged him not to take me and hes practically dragged me somewhere but I had a good time everytime.

Don't let him just stay put, keep persisiting. He will feel great for it once hes out there.

Thanks for the input! I'll keep that in mind. Sometimes he hasn't had a good time with my friends but that was kind of due to the environment. (Like the time we met some people at a crowded, noisy bar. Not his thing and not really mine either!) He has had a good time with my friends in the past (even sang karaoke once, and I made sure my friends cheered him on!!) so maybe that can continue. I'm pretty sure he's going out for a friend's birthday next weekend so wish me/us luck!!!

 

[Atlantis]

Hi phatkat.

That is exactly what it is, re: not being very accepting of help. I thought maybe it was a male thing. Is it a SA thing then? Or maybe both? He tells me sometimes to turn off the therapist mode with him...but I'm trained as a therapist so he probably has a point, lol.

I try my best to make him feel safe in social situations. I purposely try to spend one-on-one time with him even in a group and that seems to help. My friends are all awesome, accepting people (I'd never bring him around anyone that wasn't!) but he still feels threatened by them. Well, either one day he won't, or he always will and we'll always have to approach this gently. Either way, I'm ok with it.

I most definitely am trying here. And like I said, I have anxiety issues myself, just not in that realm, so I'm trying to understand based on that too.

Thanks so much for sharing your point of view. You guys are all making me feel a little better about this. Honestly, significant others of SA sufferers need support too. I'm finding that a number of my friends have trouble understanding why he acts the way he does. I even had someone once try to tell me he was being controlling/abusive! I know him well enough to know that he would never try to control or hurt me and that this is something out of his control. I came here to get some understanding of what he's going through and I've gotten that so far.

I think that kind of thing can help a lot. Like spending one-on-one time with when even in group. I don't know if he thinks the same but SA must be all the same. Its good since it calms you down and make you feel safe when you are with unfamiliar people or place or even familiar people or places. You never know where you will feel anxious, lol.


I don't know, maybe SA makes you do not trust people. So you can't say anything because you think they can be ironic and cinical like when you are a teenager and everyone is so hostile. So you have to protect yourself and you don't say anything to not get hurt.


Another thing is that it is difficult to believe if people is being friendly with you. You think they might be playing with you, so its difficult to let go and act normally even with friendly people because you are afraid and you do not want to get hurt or humiliated. Its not that you are bad by not trusting people, you are afraid.


Other thing is when people are kidding with you in a friendly way or simply saying anything like to help you for example, but it is diffcult to know and you take many things very personally.


Thats why I think you must be very friendly and nice I think. You must show that there is no real threat.


I don't think he's being abusive. You know him well, so you know it right ?Other very common thing is people misunterstanding SA. They always think you are bad or evil, whatever lol, maybe SA is difficult to understand. Anyway, it is expected someone thinking that he was controlling and abusive. It would be really strange if no one thought it. If you didn't say someone said that I would have predicted it.


Hope my post is not too long and hope that it helps.

Its cool to see that you wanna help him. Having support helps you understand you are accepted.

 

[lazylinepainter]

I think I'm pretty qualified to give advice on this topic, as I'm pretty much in the exact same position as your boyfriend! I wrote about it in another post (http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt18225.html) if you want to learn about what it's like from the other side...

Here's my best advice to you: first, try to make the most of all the time together, and it sounds like you don't have a lot! Seeing you is probably the best part of his week, so while his spirits are up get him out of the house and doing something fun, just the two of you. Focus on things he's interested in, but you’d enjoy as well…go camping or for a bike ride, make some art or take a class, pick up a hobby, go to fairs, conventions, museums, etc. He might be too anxious or depressed to go out and do these things on his own, but it will help to have his gorgeous arm candy there to make him comfortable and give him confidence! :wink: This also gives him something interesting to talk about with other people. When the two of you are with your friends, you can bring up something fun the two of you have done and he’ll have something to contribute to the conversation! The more that this happens, he’ll likely start feeling more comfortable with them.
If you want him to start getting to know your friends better, try starting him off slow. Don’t bring him with you when you’re hanging out with a group…one guy in a gaggle of girls is intimidating enough, SA or not! Hang out with him and one other friend to begin with, and choose that friend carefully. Notice which person he feels most at ease with, is able to talk to better, etc…if he’s like me, he’ll feel more comfortable and make friends easier with another shy person. But this might not be so…some people with SA would prefer to hang out with more talkative people who will engage them more. If that works, you can start bringing others around too.

Hope that helps! Have patience, and he’ll always remember you as the best girlfriend an SA guy could have