My belief of why we suffer from SA

[Jim_Bergerac]

I have been thinking about SA in such great detail over the past couple of years because I am so desperate to overcome my problem.

This is what I believe SA is all about: I believe that the reason we are anxious/fearful around certain people is because we don't want that person or people to see the insecurities/perceived flaws that we believe we have, because we are scared if they do, they will think we are weird, strange, not normal, not good enough, even ugly - depending on what the perceived flaw is, etc, etc.

For instance my two perceived flaws are 1 - my perceived ugliness because of my nose. I believe if anyone sees this they will think I am so ugly and horrible and a freak. And 2 - because of my perceived ugliness and all the put downs, ridicule, insults, name calling I have suffered - I have zero confidence - and that is my second perceived flaw - I believe I have no confidence and I believe if anyone sees this, they will judge me as being like mentally ill, weird, not normal, etc.

Here are some situations I get so anxious in:

Public speaking - because I am scared people will see both flaws - my ugliness when they look at me and my zero confidence - which I believe they will think I am totally weird and not right in the head. I feel inferior to everyone else there.

Around girls I like but don't really know - I am again scared of the girl seeing both flaws and judging me in very negative ways because of how I look and my total lack of confidence. I feel so inferior to the girl I am around because of these things.

Authority - such as my boss - I am not worried about my perceived ugliness around him as he is a man, I don't want to impress men with my looks. However I am really scared he will see my perceived flaw of zero confidence. He will think purely negatives of me and I feel so inferior to him.

Meeting new people for the first time - again this is both flaws I worry about. I am worried they will think I am ugly and worried they will think I am really strange, weird and mentally ill for my real lack of confidence.

So you see that is why I believe SA is all about a fear of people who you don't want to think bad of you, seeing your perceived flaws which you know if they do - they will think bad of you.

I am working on overcoming this by trying to desensitise my perceived flaws so that I no longer feel I am 'inferior and not good enough'.

Any thoughts?

 

[The_Crusader]

I think you've really hit the nail on the head... well for me anyway. Those are defiantly some of the thoughts that go through my head in social situations.

 

[renegade]

Yes, you are right, except I was perceived as ugly in my way of thinking and that turned my inherited shyness into SP, I guess :?

 

[BrokenSmile]

You people! You people stop that thing! Stop thinking you are inferior.

You are not inferior! You are number 1 and you have to make people around you to love your nose or what you think is strange at you. Your nose make you special. What you have different makes you special and people should love you for that. If someone think that some part of you and what you are is ugly. ..well that person is stupid and have a problem coz you can find a lot of frailties in him too ~ and you can make fun of him even worst --- if someone humilate you , you have to put them in their stinky places and show him that is a pice of shit who think that can judge others.

Consider you ~if you can't see you superior then others at least consider you equal coz we are equal and we are all human beeings that's all... u don't have to consider you inferior coz your SA or something else coz nobody i this world isn healty and nobody isn't beautiful mabey just when is young then is getting old and you can make fun hes that is ugly too :twisted: .

The point is to don't give a shit about people who don't deserve anything and peole who judge others and think they has the right to make fun of others really don't deserve anyting.
So .. you are number one. Someone in this world wuld kiss your nose and will love you for that. That's for sure even if you don't belive me now.

And let stupid people with their stupid thoughts and live your life without them coz you don't need stupid people around you.
That's all people.

 

[lovemylas]

I think it's all a chemical thing, myself. Certainly, if you don't like your nose, then you just don't. That's normal & okay. But adding a chemical imbalance to the mix, causes you to see much more into your nose than what's really there.

Now, I'm no doc, but I understand it's because of the brain's neurotransmitter, "norepinephrine". This chemical is the trigger for us to react to danger in our environment. When there is too much, you will be afraid of just about everything. This explains "handwasher" syndrome, anorexia, as well as countless other phobic issues people suffer with.

So, how do you get this chemical back down to normal? And an even more pressing question, how the heck did it get that way in the first place?! :?: The answers, I can't say. But I DO know drugs aren't the answer. If you didn't screw up these chemicals with drugs, then you shouldn't need drugs to fix them.

 

[sabbath92001]

Our minds are language machines run amok. Our minds can relate anything to anything else. Our minds are great at solving external problems, like how to post on a message board. Our minds have greater difficulties in solving internal problems, like how to turn "negative" thoughts into "positive" thoughts. If we can somehow separate ourselves from the turmoil within our minds we can accomplish what we want.

I don't think our problem is chemical. I think it may be one of perspective. How we look at what's going on in our minds and bodies and how we react to this determines our fates. If we think of our minds as a chess game: white = negative thoughts, black = positive thoughts, we are then concerned with the outcome of the game. However when we think of ourselves not as the white or black team but as the chess board, then it really doesn't matter who wins or loses, the chess board will always be there, ready for the next game.

We need to stop judging our thoughts when they are directed towards us and/or them. Just thank your brain for that thought and go on with your plans and goals. Just thank your body for anxiety & stress or happiness & joy and keep controlling your arms, legs and mouth in the direction you value.

In order to be response-able we must detach from the thoughts that we must avoid something.

I think social anxiety could be caused by genetics, trauma, bullying, inexperience, etc. But does it really matter what caused it? Instead we should care about what can circumvent it.

 

[savage_beagle]

help yourself, you have all the answers within you.

JIM...first....maybe change your screen name...start slowly by respecting yourself and not choosing a screen name that reminds you of the hurt others have said in the past of your nose. If i am wrong about that, i apologize and enjoy your chosen screen name. Secondly, my friend....you have really answered your own question..you keep mentioning your lack of confidence...so start your journey to helping yourself by doing whatever it takes to improve your own self confidence and to boost your self esteem. If your nose truly bothers you and you wish to change it cuz you feel it will make you more attractive and happy , then do it for yourself and not to please others. Then again, if you wish to remain as you are...accept yourself and move on, stop the negative thoughts about your appearance and just live life. When will the constant self anylysis of yourself end? Will you over hear some person remark about your elbow being more boney then the other? A tooth not perfectly straight? The way you comb your hair or a small birthmark on your face??? It is you JIM, who does it to yourself...others have said nasty, stupid remarks to you...but it is how you recieved them. You take it so hard, and over anylize..over and over..till you start to believe that it all must be true. NOBODY is with out faults and flaws...we all have somethings, some just are better at hiding those things from others. My advice= do whatever it takes to build your self esteem...whether nose surgery, yoga and meditation, forcing yourself to talk to people, try dressing differently, join a group for companionship, learn a new language/hobby/sport....stop pitying yourself and start your journey for contentness....otherwise, if you do nothing, then nothing changes and all you have to blame is yourself and you sit and cry while the world changes and passes you by. I dont say this to offend you, JIM, i say this from my own personal experience with rejection and how it spirals out of control, making you feel worthless and a never ending life of self doubt and misery. HELP yourself JIM--- you know deep inside what bothers you and how to ''fix'' your fears...help yourself, dont wait for a magic potion...help yourself.

 

[Pitrus]

I think we suffer from this shit couse we were the unlucky ones. Probably its a remaining from the evolutionary protective system nature equiped us before. I mean like animals have breight colors to scare other animals or dinosaurs that filled themselve with blod to lood more danger we used to fill our faces with blood like we do to scare the enemies away and attract mates just like turkies or roosters.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Savage Beagle - I have just worked out what you mean about my screen name. No, its not the bergerac the play - the man with the big nose, its Jim Bergerac - a British tv 1980s detective programme based in Jersey, Channel Islands. Jim Bergerac was brilliant! One of my favourite actors!

Thanks for the positive words and advice, you raised some good points! I am really going to try and accept myself and overcome my insecurity, I know its exaggerated and unfair of myself to judge myself like this - afterall I don't judge others who are not perfect in this way. Also it serves no purpose, if anyone doesn't like who I am well not only do I not like them for being shallow and mean, but there is nothing I can do to change people's opinions of my looks. And anyone who doesn't judge me negatively - well I need not be self conscious - I should be confident and let my qualities such as my personality shine through.

 

[carebear]

i really like this post because it hits the nail on the head. totally everything i go through from looking weird to feeling wierd...never giving myself a break from critizising myself. it gets tiring after a whil.e...the only thing that works is literally forcing yourself out there i think. the times when i force myself into social situations when every part of me doesn't want to be there..that's when i succeed.

 

[Luckiecharm]

Like all social problems, I think there are many contributing factors. Also, don't they say that all behaviour is learned? I just have to say Bergerac, I could never understand how there was so much crime on Jersey!! :lol:

 

[savage_beagle]

some ugly, some attractive--most people are average looking.

HI again. Hey Jim, in response to your reply about confidence and attractiveness...we (people in general) are born into this world as ''cute'' babies. Then we grow into adulthood and hopefully meet somebody to love and to love back. Apparently, there are about 6.5 billion humans on earth. Think for a second....out of all those people...there will be a small percentage of unattractive people, a small percentage of attractive people....any idea what makes up the majority of the human race? How about..AVERAGE looking people! Don't be fooled by marketing bullshit on your tv and in magazines...they use attractive looking people to sell us all sorts of crap and we buy into it thinking we too will be attractive or attract beauty into our lives... if only we just buy whatever plastic crap they are selling us, whatever 4-wheeled shitbox, whatever over priced clothing (made by poor starving-living in a shithole country) or fast food slime in a box. You could be a absolutely handsome man (or beautiful lady) and attract an equally attractive mate. But if you heart is as black as coal, are selfish and show no interests in others except to get laid...you will be found out for who you truly are and left to rot. I believe that the most succesful people in life are confident in themselves..they believe in themselves...whether short, balding, ugly-ish, one legged..etc etc. These people i bet you, work hard on being a better person so they can be accepted and loved for their personality and good character. I bet if you recall, you have met from time to time,a person who amazed you. Maybe that person was not so attractive and wasnt very financialy sound...but they had confidence from accepting their shortcomings and they worked on just being a good person in general....someone who smiles and asks how you are, who listens when you respond, who is gentle, shows affection, willing to help a stranger in need..the list is huge. When you love and accept yourself..you accept others and your confidence grows, in turn you fear less in life and you grow. Keep working on your confidence in every positive way and do your best to leave the past behind. LIVE IN THE NOW, and break away from all negative situations, including fearful thinking and self sabotaging thoughts. Best of luck.