Maybe I'm uncovering the secret of my social phobia....

[nope1]

These past days, I've had enough. I couldn't concentrate on my courses, didn't know what I wanted to do in my life... I was just PISSED off at myself.

So these past days, I went to the University' library and I just... concentrate on my course 6 hours straight each day. For the first time, I was happy, I was getting things done. Even If I don't enter university in September, It didn't matter because I was getting things done.

So I guess my problem is that I think a lot more about what other people think like "Will I make friends? How can I make a conversation with this guy/girl..."

The funny thing is when I got my lessons done, I felt happy! I didn't talk to people, but now... I felt the urge to call people that I don't talk to usually. I WANTED to talk to somebody because I was getting stuff done.

So, I guess our problems is that we don't focus on WHAT we have to do. We focus more more on our SOCIAL being, and that's when we go downhill.
Think about what you want to do in the future. If you want to go to university but doesn't have the courses needed, do them! If you don't feel comfortable doing them in a morning class, do them in night school once a week and go to a university library and do them

That way, you'll observe life in university and at the same time, if you advance in your courses, you'll feel happy.

And now, I'll have to apply these techniques in a job. Focus on what I HAVE to do and not on the Social.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

HI Nope

You sound as though you could be describing MIndfulness. Buddhist Mindfulness is all about paying attention to the moment. A person usually picks the breath as their focus (in meditation) in order to still the mind, and then just observes their thoughts without getting caught up in them. Painting and drawing -and probably studying - are like Mindfulness meditation.

I also find that whenever I am able to lose my self in the moment, and am not preoccupied with what will happen to me (whether I can win or maintain others' approval) that I have little to no anxiety at all.

 

[spct]

yeah, you make a good point

there's not really much point in forcing yourself to make friends etc. just for the sake of it

better to concentrate on your main objective first & if you can achieve that, you'll feel better about yourself & perhaps more inclined to be social

i always try to be pleasant to people, but i worry less & put less pressure on myself to make/maintain friendships unless i actually WANT to, not just for the sake of it

 

[elProscrito]

concentrating on your courses won't get you any friends...

 

[Danfalc]

concentrating on your courses won't get you any friends...

Yeah but its better to do somthing with your life and get on with things rather than just give up on everything... and i think doing somthing which builds ya self esteem ect like completeing a course at university and not letting ya sp rule is a good constructive step towards getting better... and the things which come with that such as friends.

 

[nope1]

concentrating on your courses won't get you any friends...

Don't know about that. I realized that because of my low self-esteem, I destoy my friendships. It's like my low self-esteem makes me dependent on them and makes me some sort of actor to please them and I would do anything to please them while forgetting about my own needs, so that means I'm just a body with no personality.

So that why a person has to become a little bit selfish and think about what HE wants to do with his life.

I have some problem connecting with people, but it's because I can't show then the real me. So I guess I have to work on the things I want and be successful so that I'm not ashamed to reveal who I am...

But I'm still not certain about what I'm saying tho.

 

[JamesMorgan]

Nope-dude,

"I have some problem connecting with people, but it's because I can't show then the real me. So I guess I have to work on the things I want and be successful so that I'm not ashamed to reveal who I am... "

The real you is actually very much part of them. Others are a projection of our mind.

If you check, you are more connected to them than you realise. You cant show them the real you because you 'dis-connect' from who you really are. This feeling is seperation in its most blatant guise. Seperation meaning your mind focuses on the person you think you are or need to be for others, this actor, then it seperates from them, it discerns, it judges, it compares, this is tiring you surely? Of course it is.

So, what do you do now? You see yourself in others. It's bit like a game. If you look at your attitude now, you realise your social experience is really painful because of this seperating yourself in your mind, trying to be someone else. Its like part of you is saying this isnt me and another part is saying i want to be someone else. So you realise you need to change how you think about other people. When you see yourself in others, you connect with them as if they were you, almost like talking to yourself, you feel closer, that distance diminshes, until you become intimately comfortable.

Take yourself when you are peaceful, and relate to that peacefulness in others, as if you were talking to that peace in others. In this way, you become true to yourself, you dont try to be someone else, you behave more naturally, you dont have to try be funny or smart or look confident, when you are natural, natrually you, all these things then become naturally yours.

James

 

[nope1]

Then what can I do to be myself?! I've been living under a nightmare these past 2 years.

I'm not content of myself! It's like I hate myself! I'm taking some French and sociology courses. In French, I'm at 4 out of 20 lessons and I hate myself because of that. In sociology, I'm at 16 out of 20. I can't finish the things that I began!

I don't even know where I'm heading in life. It's like I'd rather like to be by myself than being with people because I have such a low opinion of myself. I really don't like myself.

I've been trying to forget the past about what happened to me in High School but it's like these fear of people (People can't be trusted, they have other agendas than they want you to know) is SO deep in my mind, it's like they are a part of ME.

I really don't know what to do!

I know a couple of friends that when I'm with them, I just can't laugh. They ask me what's wrong, and I rather not tell them because always being negative just sucks. And it's been more than a month that we haven't talked to each other.

So JamesMorgan, what you're saying is that I should reveal my self even tho I 'm ashamed of it?

Right now, I feel like a huge mess of emotions! And I don't reveal that to anybody, I don't communicate, hence my need to say communicate this in this forum.

 

[JamesMorgan]

"Then what can I do to be myself?! "

When you are natural and peaceful, for now, consider this to be who you really are.

When you are unnatural, unpeaceful, anxious, uptight, stressed etc, this is you 'wrapped up/entangled' bound in negative thought. Like a pure diamond covered in mud which then looks like an ugly rock. Its this rock you hate, not who you really are on the inside. Negative thought being deluded ways of viewing yourself, everyone else, your world. This is mistaken ways of viewing yourself and everything else, the result being anxious living.

Saying this, can you see how these negative thoughts are poisioning how you see yourself? You are not any of this negativity but its this negativity which is distorting how you see yourself. Like looking at yourself in a mirror from the house of fun, wobbly and distorted. You should hate this negativity, not yourself. Its this negativity actually which stops you from being comfortable and content. The negative thoughts which cloud you from really being you. Its this negativity, when with friends, you are relating to as yourself. You need to learn to distinguish the two, else you will always see yourself this way. And of course, you wont want to talk to your friends and will find it hard to laugh. Its this negativity, not you, which is viewing these situations. When you believe in your self, you learn to see the diamond within, the heart jewel.

Negative thought is apparent to our minds, yet is not our minds essential nature. These negative thoughts are like mud in pure water. Once you distinguish between the mud and the pure water essence, you can experience the mud of your mind without seeing it as 'You'.

"what you're saying is that I should reveal my self even tho I 'm ashamed of it?"

No. You relate to yourself in the way i have described. You have to accept that your negative thoughts wont allow it, they like making you unhappy. They will tell you its impossible to live like this and that you cant see yourself in a better more postive way and that you've been like that for ages etc. None of that is really you at all, all these distorted thoughts can and do eventually weaken until you learn to view yourself in a more positive, more realistic way.

Remember the jewel inside shining bright, believe it and invite others to see it. I believe in you.

James