notafi
New member
Hello. My name is Will. I'm 21 years old, and I smoke heavily. I'm not a tall guy. I'm not very strong, sophisticated, or intelligent. I've lost a good percentage of my hair from the front of my scalp, even though I'm still considered young. Without going into very much detail, all I can say is that I don't consider myself a good looking gent, at all.
Now, I haven't been in a relationship since my highschool days. The last girl I was with broke up with me the day before I graduated. I've tried to make something with several other girls, since, but have never succeeded. Sometimes, I think my problems are just physical, and that I really just want to get someone between the sheets. Most of the time, though, I just feel like I wish someone would care about me. I don't have many friends. Most of the ones I do have I know mostly from my addictions that I can't seem to break. I honestly think it's the only time I ever feel loved, by anyone, is when I can sit down and enjoy a few drinks and smoke cigarettes with them.
But It doesn't really make me happy.
I know I need to accept and love myself for who I am, and who I can never be. But I have messed up more in my lifetime than I feel I can handle. They say mistakes are in the past, but all of the time I become confronted by them in conversations. Usually, my previous ignorance makes an enjoyable topic of distasteful humor, at my expense. And I must admit, I'm quite sick of it.
I want to start over. I'm pretty much back at square one, as I stand. I have no money, a broken car, and a declining college motivation. And it all needs to change, before I end up digging myself deeper into a pit.
Can you follow me so far? Here is when it gets complicated.
I really want to love again. But.. There aren't many people I find that I feel that can, both, love me in return and exemplify what I am looking for in a mate. I want someone who doesn't flirt around. Someone who can feed into a conversation, and not make me feel like I'm trying to talk to a wall. Someone who I can be conversing with someone else when they come to see me, and I can truly say "Yes, that's MY girl."
But my reserved persona won't let me be the way I need. I feel rotten trying to flirt with others, because then I always feel it makes me look bad to the types of girls I really want to get with. The types that don't flirt around. It's a paradox. And what makes it harder is the fact that I am getting older, and my looks are deteriorating more and more by the day. I don't feel like I'm even attractive enough to get what I am looking for. I'll always be afraid that I'm not good enough, no matter who it is I'm with, because there will always be someone else out there who is better than me, in many different ways.
These are some real pathetic things to worry about.. So much, that I just lost a whole nights sleep because of it. I just want to feel validated, and wanted, by just one person. And my insecurities are getting in the way of me doing that. Now would probably be the time to mention that my last girlfriend was also my only REAL girlfriend that I've ever had. And she was a psycho, and a compulsive flirt.
Please. I'm really at a stand still in my own mind, and I have no clue what to do, or how to comfort myself into thinking positively. I just want to be happy, so I don't think about these problems, and can relax around girls without thinking of the 'need' to impress them.
Now, I haven't been in a relationship since my highschool days. The last girl I was with broke up with me the day before I graduated. I've tried to make something with several other girls, since, but have never succeeded. Sometimes, I think my problems are just physical, and that I really just want to get someone between the sheets. Most of the time, though, I just feel like I wish someone would care about me. I don't have many friends. Most of the ones I do have I know mostly from my addictions that I can't seem to break. I honestly think it's the only time I ever feel loved, by anyone, is when I can sit down and enjoy a few drinks and smoke cigarettes with them.
But It doesn't really make me happy.
I know I need to accept and love myself for who I am, and who I can never be. But I have messed up more in my lifetime than I feel I can handle. They say mistakes are in the past, but all of the time I become confronted by them in conversations. Usually, my previous ignorance makes an enjoyable topic of distasteful humor, at my expense. And I must admit, I'm quite sick of it.
I want to start over. I'm pretty much back at square one, as I stand. I have no money, a broken car, and a declining college motivation. And it all needs to change, before I end up digging myself deeper into a pit.
Can you follow me so far? Here is when it gets complicated.
I really want to love again. But.. There aren't many people I find that I feel that can, both, love me in return and exemplify what I am looking for in a mate. I want someone who doesn't flirt around. Someone who can feed into a conversation, and not make me feel like I'm trying to talk to a wall. Someone who I can be conversing with someone else when they come to see me, and I can truly say "Yes, that's MY girl."
But my reserved persona won't let me be the way I need. I feel rotten trying to flirt with others, because then I always feel it makes me look bad to the types of girls I really want to get with. The types that don't flirt around. It's a paradox. And what makes it harder is the fact that I am getting older, and my looks are deteriorating more and more by the day. I don't feel like I'm even attractive enough to get what I am looking for. I'll always be afraid that I'm not good enough, no matter who it is I'm with, because there will always be someone else out there who is better than me, in many different ways.
These are some real pathetic things to worry about.. So much, that I just lost a whole nights sleep because of it. I just want to feel validated, and wanted, by just one person. And my insecurities are getting in the way of me doing that. Now would probably be the time to mention that my last girlfriend was also my only REAL girlfriend that I've ever had. And she was a psycho, and a compulsive flirt.
Please. I'm really at a stand still in my own mind, and I have no clue what to do, or how to comfort myself into thinking positively. I just want to be happy, so I don't think about these problems, and can relax around girls without thinking of the 'need' to impress them.
