szaboistvan123
New member
Hello, everybody!
Last time I just look for explanation for everything, this is my actual OCD stuff. I need to know the exact reason for each actions of mine, I have to explain myself why I do this, why I do that etc. I'm writing my story with OCD to make my case more understandable for you.
I was diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago. It’s first signs appeared in my life about when I was 12-13 years old, but “only” as pure O, without compulsions. I always had a “problem”, and I had to find a “solution” to them (I used this words in my thoughts, having a PROBLEM and to ruminate to SOLVE my problem). The first thing I had to ruminate for more weeks I can still remember: I wanted to have a dog, but keeping a dog costs money. So, what is the right thing know? That is a natural and normal thing to keep a dog. It is also a natural an normal thing not to want to spend money. I was calculating day and night, and I just didn’t get it over… The funny thing, I can’t remember what was the “solution” to this problem, only that this was the first PROBLEM of mine. From this time there began to appear problems I had to ruminate about, and until it isn’t solved, I couldn’t concentrate on other thinks, for example in lessons on my studies.
When I turned 15 and began high school, my pure O worsened. This was the time when I began “to take my life more seriously”. I become first student of class and always worried about my studies and future: maybe I choose not the best courses, and maybe this was going to influence my future carrier. After 4-5 months my ocd got much worst, and I turned to the “real” ocd from pure O: I started doing compulsive actions, and had the usual symptoms: I was afraid of me or somebody getting contaminated and ill, so I had for instance to wash my hand over and over and over… Washing my hands lasted about 5-7 minutes one occasion, and I had my ritual: little finger, index finger, between fingers with water, then with soap, agin with water etc. Having a shower lasted about 30 minutes, and I also had my rules to do this procedure here. When I read somewhere a job advertisement that applications are invited for a position of financial director, and I read that one of the criteria is: the candidate must have unpunished antecedents (I’m not sure if this is the right expression in English, but I couldn’t find a better one
), I began to worry about not to be punished… This took very extremely forms like “maybe passengers are not allowed to walk on the grass, but maybe a little part of my shoe touched the grass (of course I only walked on the pavement), and maybe there are some security camera on the trees, and I am going to be arrested, so I won’t get any job, I can’t make a good career…” When I was on a course to learn typewriting, I had to check the text if I typed it correctly, and it was hard to reach a good speed… I was obsessing and compulsing all of the time. It was very difficult to learn by these circumstances, because I was always thinking that for example I did something wrong for what I am going to be arrested and won’t make a good career, so why to learn?
When I was around 16, my mum took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed I had OCD, and took me on Paxil (called Paroxat here, in my country), 40 mg a day. It made a wonder for me, my obsessions and compulsions disappeared gradually, and I became reach higher and higher peaks and get more and more successful in my study. I passed an upper-level language exam when 17 and a medium-level one in another language when 18, did school-leaving exam in 6 subject with straight A, in 3 one with 100% and in 4 one on elevated level. The biggest success in my life was to win the National High School Study Competition (this is a national competition for graduating high school students in every subject, and is very valuable, for instance the first 30 student get a straight way to university with full scholarship etc).
In September 2007 I started my higher studies an university and began my second fight with ocd (I was still on 40 mg paxil, and I am still on this dose since I first saw my psychiatrist). I didn’t have compulsions only my illness “reappeared” as slight pure O that got more and moor deep. I wasn’t able to concentrate fully on my studies and after having experienced some failure at university with my studies, my OCD seemed to get more serious.
I become more and more unsocial, went to the uni and came home immediately after the lessons and I was alone in my rented flat all the time. I didn’t fancy to go out, even to the shop. I guess maybe this has contributed to the fact that my OCD got worse.
Right now my OCD makes me thinking about the reason of everything. For example: I think about why to study? Why is it good for me? I mean, I study to be successful in science and make a career, and also for the fun of learning (I like learning and have liked it very much). But I keep thinking about why is it good to make a career? Why does it feel good to me? These are mostly psychological questions like this. I just keep thinking about these thinks: why do people what they do? Why do they care for example about the problems of future generations, even if they won’t live that time? My grey matter knows that it is the right thing to do (for example, it is the right thing to study and it is the right thing to care about problems of future generations) but my feelings just don’t want to accept this, I feel anxiety about these.
Could you give me some advice please? Do you know any CBT techniques I could use? I haven’t taken part in CBT, I only took 40 mg Paxil per day, but now I think maybe it would be to use some CBT techniques. What do you think, what would be the right technique to use in my psychology-related “problems” I mentioned last?
Thank you very-very much in advance and love to you all:
Steven
Last time I just look for explanation for everything, this is my actual OCD stuff. I need to know the exact reason for each actions of mine, I have to explain myself why I do this, why I do that etc. I'm writing my story with OCD to make my case more understandable for you.
I was diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago. It’s first signs appeared in my life about when I was 12-13 years old, but “only” as pure O, without compulsions. I always had a “problem”, and I had to find a “solution” to them (I used this words in my thoughts, having a PROBLEM and to ruminate to SOLVE my problem). The first thing I had to ruminate for more weeks I can still remember: I wanted to have a dog, but keeping a dog costs money. So, what is the right thing know? That is a natural and normal thing to keep a dog. It is also a natural an normal thing not to want to spend money. I was calculating day and night, and I just didn’t get it over… The funny thing, I can’t remember what was the “solution” to this problem, only that this was the first PROBLEM of mine. From this time there began to appear problems I had to ruminate about, and until it isn’t solved, I couldn’t concentrate on other thinks, for example in lessons on my studies.
When I turned 15 and began high school, my pure O worsened. This was the time when I began “to take my life more seriously”. I become first student of class and always worried about my studies and future: maybe I choose not the best courses, and maybe this was going to influence my future carrier. After 4-5 months my ocd got much worst, and I turned to the “real” ocd from pure O: I started doing compulsive actions, and had the usual symptoms: I was afraid of me or somebody getting contaminated and ill, so I had for instance to wash my hand over and over and over… Washing my hands lasted about 5-7 minutes one occasion, and I had my ritual: little finger, index finger, between fingers with water, then with soap, agin with water etc. Having a shower lasted about 30 minutes, and I also had my rules to do this procedure here. When I read somewhere a job advertisement that applications are invited for a position of financial director, and I read that one of the criteria is: the candidate must have unpunished antecedents (I’m not sure if this is the right expression in English, but I couldn’t find a better one
), I began to worry about not to be punished… This took very extremely forms like “maybe passengers are not allowed to walk on the grass, but maybe a little part of my shoe touched the grass (of course I only walked on the pavement), and maybe there are some security camera on the trees, and I am going to be arrested, so I won’t get any job, I can’t make a good career…” When I was on a course to learn typewriting, I had to check the text if I typed it correctly, and it was hard to reach a good speed… I was obsessing and compulsing all of the time. It was very difficult to learn by these circumstances, because I was always thinking that for example I did something wrong for what I am going to be arrested and won’t make a good career, so why to learn?When I was around 16, my mum took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed I had OCD, and took me on Paxil (called Paroxat here, in my country), 40 mg a day. It made a wonder for me, my obsessions and compulsions disappeared gradually, and I became reach higher and higher peaks and get more and more successful in my study. I passed an upper-level language exam when 17 and a medium-level one in another language when 18, did school-leaving exam in 6 subject with straight A, in 3 one with 100% and in 4 one on elevated level. The biggest success in my life was to win the National High School Study Competition (this is a national competition for graduating high school students in every subject, and is very valuable, for instance the first 30 student get a straight way to university with full scholarship etc).
In September 2007 I started my higher studies an university and began my second fight with ocd (I was still on 40 mg paxil, and I am still on this dose since I first saw my psychiatrist). I didn’t have compulsions only my illness “reappeared” as slight pure O that got more and moor deep. I wasn’t able to concentrate fully on my studies and after having experienced some failure at university with my studies, my OCD seemed to get more serious.
I become more and more unsocial, went to the uni and came home immediately after the lessons and I was alone in my rented flat all the time. I didn’t fancy to go out, even to the shop. I guess maybe this has contributed to the fact that my OCD got worse.
Right now my OCD makes me thinking about the reason of everything. For example: I think about why to study? Why is it good for me? I mean, I study to be successful in science and make a career, and also for the fun of learning (I like learning and have liked it very much). But I keep thinking about why is it good to make a career? Why does it feel good to me? These are mostly psychological questions like this. I just keep thinking about these thinks: why do people what they do? Why do they care for example about the problems of future generations, even if they won’t live that time? My grey matter knows that it is the right thing to do (for example, it is the right thing to study and it is the right thing to care about problems of future generations) but my feelings just don’t want to accept this, I feel anxiety about these.
Could you give me some advice please? Do you know any CBT techniques I could use? I haven’t taken part in CBT, I only took 40 mg Paxil per day, but now I think maybe it would be to use some CBT techniques. What do you think, what would be the right technique to use in my psychology-related “problems” I mentioned last?
Thank you very-very much in advance and love to you all:
Steven
