Locked in a cycle of self hatered. (help me)

[COALPORTER]

I've been shy since I hit the first grade.
Then the kids were mean to me because I was fat.
These mean kids thought me to hate myself.
This prevented me form making friends with the few
kids that may have liked me. So I had little positive interactions.
Therefore almost 100% of my interaction with the other kids was negitive.
I am now very good at the negative and have no idea on how
to be positve.
Then my parents were not really paying any attention.
My dad was an alcoholic. My mom, manic depressive.
My parents also tought me to hate myself.
By the third grade I was really becoming withdrawn.
Making friends became harder over the years.
I had a very few friends in high school and never dated.

I've come to realize all of my social problems stem from
a core self hate. I am now trying to learn how to love myself.
Its very hard to do, with many complete set backs.
All I can manage to say to people is HI, GOODMORNING, how are you.
Most of the time I would like to talk to people but cant think of
anything to say so I just avoid or walk away. This wreaks any chance for a relationship with that person.

What can I do to stop hating myself? And turn on the POSITIVE. I know I'm a good nice person and I think other people think this also but they can never understand me because I dont interact. I think the reason i cant be social is because of my basic negitive self hatred.

 

[COALPORTER]

OKAY, I don't want to become a jesus bible freak.

JUST QUITE YOUr JOB AND LIVE IN A CITY PARK AND FIND OUT HOW MUCH JESUS REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU !!
I need to change my core view.
I thought about going to church, but I'm not even
shure how to do that. Like what do I do once I get there?
I'm sure Id just sit in the corner and not intereact with anyone
because I still won't know what to do. I still wont know how to go up to someone and start a conversation.

I need to find out how to go from zero friends to one.???
I've been stuck at zero fot a long time and don't see how to change.

 

[Screwdriver1020]

fdsafweafsdfasdfasd

 

[Sable]

Religion and the church environment can be extremely damaging to a person's sense of self worth. I'm talking from experience. I grew up being made to feel like I was completely evil thanks to the church. I believe it had a large part to play in my present situation. While believing in a higher power may work for some, it doesn't help for all, and can make things worse. I think it's far more helpful to focus on the present, the physical world around us, than spend all of our lives focusing on the potential for an afterlife that may not even exist. I'm afraid blind faith doesn't cut it for me.

Though I'm sure you didn't come on here for spiritual advice. It sounds to me like maybe you should consider talking to someone about these issues. I mean face to face, like a psychologist or counsellor. I think the best thing you could do is go and see your doctor and explain this stuff to him. Sometimes talking stuff over can help to put things in perspective. How old are you? Are you in college, or school? If so there may be a counsellor there you can talk to. Sorry I can't offer much more advice than that, I'm not really in the best position to be offering any.

 

[COALPORTER]

I'm not knocking religion or going to church, but I don't really think it matters what name is on the door. See, my whole dilema is social skills and fitting in. I have already tried to join a few clubs, I picked activities that I am familar with and know allot about, but the same old social expierences seem to happen. I'm just the loner sitting quietly by himself. If someone speaks to me, I try to keep my reply positive, but I can only manage a few word reply at most. (If I replyed in a negitive way, then I could get allot more).

"I one of gods children, and he loves me" I try saying this a few times a day.

I went to doctors for a year. Cost a fortune, and I got zero.Maybe even worse now than ever. I was just his walking BMW payment. He flashed lights in my eyes and played sounds in my ears. Took Zanex and Lexipro. Don't want the chemical lobotomy. These drugs are just tranquilizers. Take a handfull and stair out the window a drool on yourself.

I need to be able to have creative thoughts when Im around other people.

 

[Tryin]

Religion and the church environment can be extremely damaging to a person's sense of self worth. I'm talking from experience. I grew up being made to feel like I was completely evil thanks to the church. I believe it had a large part to play in my present situation. While believing in a higher power may work for some, it doesn't help for all, and can make things worse. I think it's far more helpful to focus on the present, the physical world around us, than spend all of our lives focusing on the potential for an afterlife that may not even exist. I'm afraid blind faith doesn't cut it for me.

wow sable, that sounds pretty much like me. it can be dangerous to join any spiritual organizations, cults, churches etc. while struggling problems like this. i have had quite a bad time when i was about twelve. i was very very shy, depressed and alone and religion was my way of escaping all this. but gradually it became an extreme and i was a twelve year old girl who lived like a nun - praying all day, reading bible and controlling all my thoughts. i kinda brain-washed myself and it was really complicated. so i think that belief can not solve anyones problems.

oh, but back to the topic: yuove probably heard this thousand times before, coalporter, but you need to have a good relationship with yourself before you can have one with anyone else. im sure you are such a great person. you only have to believe it. try to be your own friend. i wish you luck.