sazz
Member
I'm wondering how many people are similar to me, or can at least understand how I feel...
Ok, so, I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago, but looking back its quite obvious that I have been struggling with it throughout my adolescence. I remember carving hateful messages about myself and my life into furniture from about the age 10 onwards, under bed slats, baseboards, etc. I never really was happy. I don't remember truly being happy in my past from the memories I have, though there are moments, just not lasting enough.
So about.. 3 years ago (and I will mention at this point that I am now 26) I was going through a really bad patch, and looking at what I want from life and what I want my future to look like (nothing overly specific, just the general 'I want to be married, have a child, and have a job) and decided on ages I want to achieve these by. As a young person, I was always determined that I would never ever have children past 30. Not only for health risks, but because I want to be a young mum. I want to have the energy to run after my child without hassle, and to be able to easily relate to other mums with children the same age, which means that for me, Ideally, I would have kids in my mid 20's.
So now I'm 26. I'm Jobless, I'm still single, I'm still childless (and not for lack of trying - ex boyfriend and I were together for about 8 months, we both kinda went 'ah, f**k condoms' after the first month, another ex and I [we were together since I was a teenager] had previously had many 'mishaps' which never resulted in anything, and then a guy I was seeing casually, for about a year nothing was used, and again, nothing happened) So as I'm getting older (which, I know, I'm still young, but older in the sense of what I want out of life) and my 30th year is approaching, I find myself working out how long until I feel its too late.
I don't need all three to happen, just one at the moment, just one to give me a reason to keep going with life. As each day goes past, and I'm still alone, and isolated in my life, I feel the building up of my emotions getting worse.
I cant talk to anyone about it. My parents don't really understand, and I feel judged by family when I mention my life as they all seem to have it sorted. I have two sisters. One of them is married with two children, and the other is working her dream job (though I know that she wants to add marriage and babies to her list, she's still at least got a start). So I've given myself to 30 to achieve these goals. If, by the time my 30th birthday rolls around, I am still in the same place in my life as I currently am, and have been for the past few years, then I hold very very little hope for me making it to my 31st birthday.
I just feel that the physical pain of ending what my life is, is going to be nothing compared to the emotional pain of living until I'm 80 alone. Where I end up in a rest home, someone wiping my a*s for me, and people seeing me by myself, looking at me and thinking about how I never have any visitors, because of the fact I never had that family, or those friends, or a lasting relationship. Either way, I'm going to die. we all are. This just, to me, feels like I'm fast-forwarding the inevitable and choosing to end it before it gets to a point of being more emotionally crushing than most days currently are already. I hate my life, but I'm giving myself a chance to try to make things better before I throw in the towel.
Am I the only one who feels like this? I have a 'deadline' as such for when I give up trying, and while its not an exact date, its going to be within a pre-determined space of time, which, while I made this decision about 3 years ago, I know in my heart that its been probably 10-11 years really that I've had this plan, it just took until that point to say it out loud to myself, and then only till now to be able to say it out loud to other people. I don't want 'help'. I don't want someone to 'rescue' me by telling me how fabulous things got for them at one point or another, I don't need sympathy, and the last thing i want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.
I just want to know... am I the only person who feels and thinks like this? I know that when depression hits hard, then most, if not all, think 'if I didn't wake up tomorrow it would be easier', but for me to have a plan of an age that I will try up to, and then I will just give up forever at that point, and to of had this plan for a few years now... is that really abnormal? I don't think it is, I think its being realistic, and just looking at my future, but I guess just want confirmation that I'm not alone in thinking like this. And its not just a thought that goes in and out of my head, its always there.
Constantly.
TL;DR I have a plan that, If it doesn't happen in about 4 more years, I wont be around after that. Is that too abnormal, or quite common?
Sorry for the rant. Feel free to skip over this.
Ok, so, I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago, but looking back its quite obvious that I have been struggling with it throughout my adolescence. I remember carving hateful messages about myself and my life into furniture from about the age 10 onwards, under bed slats, baseboards, etc. I never really was happy. I don't remember truly being happy in my past from the memories I have, though there are moments, just not lasting enough.
So about.. 3 years ago (and I will mention at this point that I am now 26) I was going through a really bad patch, and looking at what I want from life and what I want my future to look like (nothing overly specific, just the general 'I want to be married, have a child, and have a job) and decided on ages I want to achieve these by. As a young person, I was always determined that I would never ever have children past 30. Not only for health risks, but because I want to be a young mum. I want to have the energy to run after my child without hassle, and to be able to easily relate to other mums with children the same age, which means that for me, Ideally, I would have kids in my mid 20's.
So now I'm 26. I'm Jobless, I'm still single, I'm still childless (and not for lack of trying - ex boyfriend and I were together for about 8 months, we both kinda went 'ah, f**k condoms' after the first month, another ex and I [we were together since I was a teenager] had previously had many 'mishaps' which never resulted in anything, and then a guy I was seeing casually, for about a year nothing was used, and again, nothing happened) So as I'm getting older (which, I know, I'm still young, but older in the sense of what I want out of life) and my 30th year is approaching, I find myself working out how long until I feel its too late.
I don't need all three to happen, just one at the moment, just one to give me a reason to keep going with life. As each day goes past, and I'm still alone, and isolated in my life, I feel the building up of my emotions getting worse.
I cant talk to anyone about it. My parents don't really understand, and I feel judged by family when I mention my life as they all seem to have it sorted. I have two sisters. One of them is married with two children, and the other is working her dream job (though I know that she wants to add marriage and babies to her list, she's still at least got a start). So I've given myself to 30 to achieve these goals. If, by the time my 30th birthday rolls around, I am still in the same place in my life as I currently am, and have been for the past few years, then I hold very very little hope for me making it to my 31st birthday.
I just feel that the physical pain of ending what my life is, is going to be nothing compared to the emotional pain of living until I'm 80 alone. Where I end up in a rest home, someone wiping my a*s for me, and people seeing me by myself, looking at me and thinking about how I never have any visitors, because of the fact I never had that family, or those friends, or a lasting relationship. Either way, I'm going to die. we all are. This just, to me, feels like I'm fast-forwarding the inevitable and choosing to end it before it gets to a point of being more emotionally crushing than most days currently are already. I hate my life, but I'm giving myself a chance to try to make things better before I throw in the towel.
Am I the only one who feels like this? I have a 'deadline' as such for when I give up trying, and while its not an exact date, its going to be within a pre-determined space of time, which, while I made this decision about 3 years ago, I know in my heart that its been probably 10-11 years really that I've had this plan, it just took until that point to say it out loud to myself, and then only till now to be able to say it out loud to other people. I don't want 'help'. I don't want someone to 'rescue' me by telling me how fabulous things got for them at one point or another, I don't need sympathy, and the last thing i want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.
I just want to know... am I the only person who feels and thinks like this? I know that when depression hits hard, then most, if not all, think 'if I didn't wake up tomorrow it would be easier', but for me to have a plan of an age that I will try up to, and then I will just give up forever at that point, and to of had this plan for a few years now... is that really abnormal? I don't think it is, I think its being realistic, and just looking at my future, but I guess just want confirmation that I'm not alone in thinking like this. And its not just a thought that goes in and out of my head, its always there.
Constantly.
TL;DR I have a plan that, If it doesn't happen in about 4 more years, I wont be around after that. Is that too abnormal, or quite common?
Sorry for the rant. Feel free to skip over this.
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