NOTA
Member
Hi. I am currently a college student in the US. Ive always suffered from social anxiety. Its quite hard to trace it to its roots, but I believe successive steps in my life had gradually led to my decline.
As a kid, I was very very shy in front of authority figures, not so much people my age. I used to be a very playful kid, everyday would pretty much go something like this: go home from school, go outside, knock on my friends' doors, and play out in the neighborhood park till it got dark. I guess almost everyone is like this in their youth as long as they had not suffered some sort of trauma.
However, starting around 5th gradish, when my peers started noticing girls and me as well, I felt like my friends began ignoring me as I was kind of geeky and awkward, even at that age..probably vestiges of childhood shyness. However, at that point I wouldnt say i was suffering from social anxiety disorder.
Before I go on, I want to state a very specific aspect of my life that I feel has largely led to my social anxiety disorder. Its my name. Not that its a goofy name or a cuss word. I do not have a typical common American name, my parents are first-generation, and Ive always had a very long, unique name. Ive slowly developed complexes which would force me to avoid attention, esp in class, when my name would be called out (yes, i was scared of roll call...). I felt overwhelmingly embarassed everytime. I have since then shortened my name, but i still suffer social anxiety.
Through high school, I suffered something like dysthymia (i feel i still do...i wake up almost everyday with a very very empty feeling, like a bad come down from a drug or something). And for maybe a year or so, I suffered from depression. I would think about suicide 24/7, plot out in my head how i would kill my parents and then myself, blah blah. Its crazy talk, but it made sense in my depressed state. I did not outwardly show this depression, but it was probably obvious to others that i was shy for some reason.
I am lucky to have developed a close set of friends in high school. But what I have noticed is I am unable to handle large groups of people. I am only good with interacting with one person at a time...which can still be awkward at times.
Now that I am in college, I am already 1.5 years into it but i have not developed any close relationships. Merely hellos on the way to class but that is it. I feel very lonely most of the time.
More about my present state. I am extremely self-conscious. Especially about my looks. In the past, I would get depressed merely looking at the mirror. I have very very poor self-image. But what I feel is very wierd is that people tell me I am good looking. All my life, I have never asked a girl out, but girls have asked me out. One of the prettiest in high school asked me out, but I declined due to my severe degradation of self. I have even had gay people after me. Now that I am in college, I was again asked out by a very beautiful girl who I am now very much in love with. She acutally dumped a friend of mine to date me...which is scandalous, yes. I am good at interacting with her on a personal basis, but when im with her friends i fall deathly silent a lot. I believe im not loveshy at all...but socially anxious.
Many people tell me i give the impression that i am stoned. Its because i blank out a lot. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, i would just completely blank out...i would not have any words in my mouth. I have a theory for this. Possibly its a fight or flight response, where continuing conversation would cause the possibility of humiliation, thus my mind blanks out. I also do not smile often.
I feel my faults are apparent...but its very hard to fix them. Especially since I believe my illness is largely genetic. My father is very much like me. He goes even to the extreme and avoids picking up the phone. But i do realize, the first step is to realize that this disorder can be changed through me and that genetic predisposition is not a cause for hopelessness.
I always feel very negative...theres definitely a lot of negative energy in me all the time. I feel others are too happy often. I have trouble keeping eye contact as well...due to my inferiority complex. I also have bad posture from looking down at the ground a lot. Its a long road, but I am glad that i have at least diagnosed my own disorder (or at least something largely matches my state). I am about to make an appt with psychiatric services tmrw.
As a kid, I was very very shy in front of authority figures, not so much people my age. I used to be a very playful kid, everyday would pretty much go something like this: go home from school, go outside, knock on my friends' doors, and play out in the neighborhood park till it got dark. I guess almost everyone is like this in their youth as long as they had not suffered some sort of trauma.
However, starting around 5th gradish, when my peers started noticing girls and me as well, I felt like my friends began ignoring me as I was kind of geeky and awkward, even at that age..probably vestiges of childhood shyness. However, at that point I wouldnt say i was suffering from social anxiety disorder.
Before I go on, I want to state a very specific aspect of my life that I feel has largely led to my social anxiety disorder. Its my name. Not that its a goofy name or a cuss word. I do not have a typical common American name, my parents are first-generation, and Ive always had a very long, unique name. Ive slowly developed complexes which would force me to avoid attention, esp in class, when my name would be called out (yes, i was scared of roll call...). I felt overwhelmingly embarassed everytime. I have since then shortened my name, but i still suffer social anxiety.
Through high school, I suffered something like dysthymia (i feel i still do...i wake up almost everyday with a very very empty feeling, like a bad come down from a drug or something). And for maybe a year or so, I suffered from depression. I would think about suicide 24/7, plot out in my head how i would kill my parents and then myself, blah blah. Its crazy talk, but it made sense in my depressed state. I did not outwardly show this depression, but it was probably obvious to others that i was shy for some reason.
I am lucky to have developed a close set of friends in high school. But what I have noticed is I am unable to handle large groups of people. I am only good with interacting with one person at a time...which can still be awkward at times.
Now that I am in college, I am already 1.5 years into it but i have not developed any close relationships. Merely hellos on the way to class but that is it. I feel very lonely most of the time.
More about my present state. I am extremely self-conscious. Especially about my looks. In the past, I would get depressed merely looking at the mirror. I have very very poor self-image. But what I feel is very wierd is that people tell me I am good looking. All my life, I have never asked a girl out, but girls have asked me out. One of the prettiest in high school asked me out, but I declined due to my severe degradation of self. I have even had gay people after me. Now that I am in college, I was again asked out by a very beautiful girl who I am now very much in love with. She acutally dumped a friend of mine to date me...which is scandalous, yes. I am good at interacting with her on a personal basis, but when im with her friends i fall deathly silent a lot. I believe im not loveshy at all...but socially anxious.
Many people tell me i give the impression that i am stoned. Its because i blank out a lot. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, i would just completely blank out...i would not have any words in my mouth. I have a theory for this. Possibly its a fight or flight response, where continuing conversation would cause the possibility of humiliation, thus my mind blanks out. I also do not smile often.
I feel my faults are apparent...but its very hard to fix them. Especially since I believe my illness is largely genetic. My father is very much like me. He goes even to the extreme and avoids picking up the phone. But i do realize, the first step is to realize that this disorder can be changed through me and that genetic predisposition is not a cause for hopelessness.
I always feel very negative...theres definitely a lot of negative energy in me all the time. I feel others are too happy often. I have trouble keeping eye contact as well...due to my inferiority complex. I also have bad posture from looking down at the ground a lot. Its a long road, but I am glad that i have at least diagnosed my own disorder (or at least something largely matches my state). I am about to make an appt with psychiatric services tmrw.
