let-it-end
New member
Hello my name is chris I'm 21 year's old and urrently living in middletown Ohio. I became agoraphobic around age 17 while in school. I was forced to drop out of school do to constant panic attack's as well as incredibly severe anxiety. Once i was fully signed out of high school my life changed forever. I was the type of child who loved going outside and playing in the woods having good time's in the creek and constantly outside at all cost's..My childhood wasn't the best i was living in a van with my 3 brother's and mother for a good section of my younger life..but to stay on focus without getting of track im not posting on here to get sympathy but to explain my story and what i personally face each day. Age 18 i fell in love with a girl that i met online we had so much in common things felt so fantastic for the first time in along time i was madly in love and she new my problems with going outside at this point i hadn't been out in almost 9 months. She told me that it would be ok and that everything would fall into place she gave me hope and faith when it was lost for so long. Cutting through time a bit we new each other for several months then she decided to make a 1400 mile trip from Texas to meet me face to face. When she arrived i was nervous excited all in the same thing's were finally looking up for me she ACTUALLY got me to go out of the house and with her to a little pizza place right around from my house which was huge to me because i hadn't been able to do that for a long time. It came time to where she had to go back to Texas and it was killing me to have to leave her so SOMEHOW i was able to build up the courage to make the trip with her and start a new life. BIG MISTAKE i was to young and didn't know what i was getting myself into. I loved her so i was blinded. We arrived in Texas and within 2 months we had to move we couldn't afford rent as to i wasn't working and she couldn't do it alone..we moved back to Virginia living in her Aztec car. Shortly after her car was taken away because she couldn't pay the car bill with no money. We were left with only each other. Skipping months ahead we remained homeless moving from place to place my anxiety being worse then ever before in my life. Never knowing where we were going to be the next day never knowing what we would eat....how we would eat. this stayed the same for a year and a half. She loved me so much and did absolutely everything in HER power that she could for me. She had a job everywhere we moved but wasn't able to keep her job because i didn't want to be left alone i couldn't handle being left alone with no one to help me if i needed it...Loving me became a burden..I hated myself i wanted to die i wanted it to all just end! I wanted to work and be normal so i could help her and be there for her like she was for me. Our love was incredible for so long but 2 years later things became to much. We ended up living in my best friends van for 8 month's in the heat no shower's smelling roasting each day as the world passed by. 2 years later and still looking for hope i feel i have failed myself,my lover and best friend as well as my friends and family. I'm currently living with a friend in middletown Ohio my Girlfriend left me..she couldnt handle it anymore. She still Tell's me this day she madly inlove with me she doesn't want anyone else but she can't be with me because she can't stand to be homeless again..all i can do is accept it and understand her feeling's. It kill's me each day knowing i ruined our relationship to this illness in my brain...I'm and incredibly strong intelligent person but when im faced to life's challenges i fail. I'v lost ALL my friend's i have no one but myself now and im the only one to blame. Towards the end of our relationship i became mean and aggressive but not violent i loved her to much. She moving tomorrow to Iowa for 5 month's to get away from certain thing's in her life and she trying to get a break and she will be back to ohio in 5 months to start culinary collage.
This was not meant out to be some big emotional love story between me and my soul mate but more so to give off the true effect's of agoraphobia and the way that it interacts with my everyday life. 2 years have passed and im still unable to go out and get a REAL job it kill's me!!!! I was wondering if anyone had advice on jobs from home i know that there almost impossible to come by but ANYTHING to make a little income. I have 5 month's to change my life around so i can get my lover back this is the biggest challenge iv ever faced and it means everything to me just to be normal. Ill be going to get on medication in a day or two but i have been on tons of med's along the way none of which seemed to work although iv moved so many time's i haven't been able to stay on 1 med for longer then a month or so. Please hear my cry for help and give ANY advice that you have it would mean so much to me..I'm sorry this post is so long but this is 2 years of stored pain and i needed to get it off my chest THANKS TO EVERYONE AND GOD BLESS!
This was not meant out to be some big emotional love story between me and my soul mate but more so to give off the true effect's of agoraphobia and the way that it interacts with my everyday life. 2 years have passed and im still unable to go out and get a REAL job it kill's me!!!! I was wondering if anyone had advice on jobs from home i know that there almost impossible to come by but ANYTHING to make a little income. I have 5 month's to change my life around so i can get my lover back this is the biggest challenge iv ever faced and it means everything to me just to be normal. Ill be going to get on medication in a day or two but i have been on tons of med's along the way none of which seemed to work although iv moved so many time's i haven't been able to stay on 1 med for longer then a month or so. Please hear my cry for help and give ANY advice that you have it would mean so much to me..I'm sorry this post is so long but this is 2 years of stored pain and i needed to get it off my chest THANKS TO EVERYONE AND GOD BLESS!
