i feel that my fate is already decided before i am born, that i will die without doing anything useful. i feel that i failed miserably even all the more so because i am a degree graduate but i cannot even hold up a 'O' level job. did i achieve anything getting a degree ? NO, because it just made my life all the more difficult because i was friendless through my uni days, i had to waste 5 years getting a useless piece of paper that i do not even remember what i have studied, i do not know what to say in interviews because i have no strengths( honestly i do not have i cannot fake it it makes it worse) and plenty of weaknesses(cannot speak up, slow, clumsy).
i did act and tried to do something about it, as people always say and i swear i hate this advice cause it really is bull**** : " you have never tried, how would you know you cannot succeed?" thing is i tried seeking treatment by seeing a psychologist and psychaitrist and after 4 years what i got was further depression seeing all those mental patients in the hospital and a load of bullcrap cognitive nonsense which makes me think even i could be a psychologist if i did not have SA. i did step forward and applied to be a research engineer which is about the furthest from anti-SA jobs but what did i get? i got a load of weird qustions about why i did not speak up and why i was not proactive and why i did not learn anything and i just quit before i get screwed and got fired instead for doing absolutely nothing over the 6 months of employment. my anxiety and depression got worse i had to up my dosage and my bills went up so to sustain it i went to find a office data entry job, but i freaked out and quit after 2 days cause i got so anxious of just working around people.i went to the community developmental council to seek help and they asked me to go for counselling which really was useless it was the same thing as the treatment for psychologist totally bull****, and they said i was very hard to find a job requiring minimal social interaction i really think they cannot help me.
why is it so hard to earn money if i am willing to slog it out, just that i do not want strangers in my work? i am not asking for charity to sit around waiting for money to just go into my pocket you know.
and besides, CANNOT MEANS CANNOT no matter how many times i tried the result is still the same for SA cause there is no cure for it just like some cancer, an apple will never taste like an orange no matter what you do, and besides i even have alot of fear and difficulties even before the trying stage, come on society does not understand SA and just want to find some excuse to brush us aside. and i am one of those people with absolutely no motivation in life, not that i dont want one but i just do not get pushed by anything in life so how can i be positive? and thinking about the sad fact that the purpose of me to work is just to earn money and survive paying for my expensive SA bills, house bills food lodging just to live till 60-80 years old and die? what a joke.
i did act and tried to do something about it, as people always say and i swear i hate this advice cause it really is bull**** : " you have never tried, how would you know you cannot succeed?" thing is i tried seeking treatment by seeing a psychologist and psychaitrist and after 4 years what i got was further depression seeing all those mental patients in the hospital and a load of bullcrap cognitive nonsense which makes me think even i could be a psychologist if i did not have SA. i did step forward and applied to be a research engineer which is about the furthest from anti-SA jobs but what did i get? i got a load of weird qustions about why i did not speak up and why i was not proactive and why i did not learn anything and i just quit before i get screwed and got fired instead for doing absolutely nothing over the 6 months of employment. my anxiety and depression got worse i had to up my dosage and my bills went up so to sustain it i went to find a office data entry job, but i freaked out and quit after 2 days cause i got so anxious of just working around people.i went to the community developmental council to seek help and they asked me to go for counselling which really was useless it was the same thing as the treatment for psychologist totally bull****, and they said i was very hard to find a job requiring minimal social interaction i really think they cannot help me.
why is it so hard to earn money if i am willing to slog it out, just that i do not want strangers in my work? i am not asking for charity to sit around waiting for money to just go into my pocket you know.
and besides, CANNOT MEANS CANNOT no matter how many times i tried the result is still the same for SA cause there is no cure for it just like some cancer, an apple will never taste like an orange no matter what you do, and besides i even have alot of fear and difficulties even before the trying stage, come on society does not understand SA and just want to find some excuse to brush us aside. and i am one of those people with absolutely no motivation in life, not that i dont want one but i just do not get pushed by anything in life so how can i be positive? and thinking about the sad fact that the purpose of me to work is just to earn money and survive paying for my expensive SA bills, house bills food lodging just to live till 60-80 years old and die? what a joke.
