Toomuchfear
Well-known member
No one gave a damn. thanks
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Hey y'all. Apologies if this seems like an essay to you.
I'm trying to figure out what my 'problem' is. I don't know if its social phobia or something else, I just know no-one else is like me, and that makes me feel so alone in this busy unforgiving world.
I find social interaction incredibly difficult. I grew up alone, barely ventured outside and was attached to my mother. At school, I spent more time daydreaming than talking to others. My mother told me to ignore the bullies, but my face always gave away how hurt I felt inside, so they targeted me.
Here is my trouble now that I'm all grown up:
I find conversation very tricky and awkward. I find it scary to hold someone's attention, so I never tell stories or long jokes. Everyone else find talking and socialising so natural, and I always blurt out the wrong thing!
SPEAKING:
I find talking to people very difficult. I find people ignore, interrupt or simply acknowledge what I say with a 'fair enough' or 'oh.' which i find kills the conversation, and then there is an awkward silence, and then they go and find someone else more social to talk to. I find other people seem to naturally communicate well, even if they're strangers, and this makes me jealous. Due to various social blunders in the past, my mind has become wrapped up in worry.
LISTENING:
My mind is worried how I look- awkward, pervy? I'm self conscious as a friend speaks to me, (e.g. "do I look like I'm listening?" "am I cool enough to be in this person's company" or, "Oh no, there's strangers listening to my rubbish social skills!") and my mind wanders elsewhere. People sometimes talk so quickly, I struggle to keep up, and I can never find the right time to add my own comment.
The next part of the problem is my reaction to social fears:
- A stranger getting on better with my friend than I am, and me feeling pushed out as I'm not as socially 'savvy' or confident.
- People picking on me, not feeling part of a group.
- Doing something embarrassing and getting judged for it.
- Getting told off. E.g. for saying something offensive, even if it wasn't meant to be offensive
- Talking out loud and people ignoring it.
If I feel rejected, jealous, ignored or embarrassed, or told off, I enter 'lockdown' mode. It's not quite a panic attack, my anxiety is mostly mental (although i do feel heavy and hot in crowds) I just fall apart inside. Basically, a series of rejecting/embarrassing moments happen and something clicks in my head.
My mind is blank, and I feel very, very aware of what I say. I feel guilty, self-conscious, and I hard it very hard to speak.
A recent example is when I met with my girlfriend and her mates, I said something, and there was an awkward silence, then they barely spoke to me. I felt pushed out, and sat away from everyone pretending to text someone. Everytime I saw her talking or flirting with people, it made me feel jealous, and I felt like an idiot just watching awkwardly. It made me feel like a shy child again.
Thats it I think, would you say this is social phobia? Some of the above sounds quite trivial, but it really affects me and i find it hard to make and keep friends, I feel lonely and I'm so jealous of how other people get on so well. I wish I could be 'cured.'
--
Hey y'all. Apologies if this seems like an essay to you.
I'm trying to figure out what my 'problem' is. I don't know if its social phobia or something else, I just know no-one else is like me, and that makes me feel so alone in this busy unforgiving world.
I find social interaction incredibly difficult. I grew up alone, barely ventured outside and was attached to my mother. At school, I spent more time daydreaming than talking to others. My mother told me to ignore the bullies, but my face always gave away how hurt I felt inside, so they targeted me.
Here is my trouble now that I'm all grown up:
I find conversation very tricky and awkward. I find it scary to hold someone's attention, so I never tell stories or long jokes. Everyone else find talking and socialising so natural, and I always blurt out the wrong thing!
SPEAKING:
I find talking to people very difficult. I find people ignore, interrupt or simply acknowledge what I say with a 'fair enough' or 'oh.' which i find kills the conversation, and then there is an awkward silence, and then they go and find someone else more social to talk to. I find other people seem to naturally communicate well, even if they're strangers, and this makes me jealous. Due to various social blunders in the past, my mind has become wrapped up in worry.
LISTENING:
My mind is worried how I look- awkward, pervy? I'm self conscious as a friend speaks to me, (e.g. "do I look like I'm listening?" "am I cool enough to be in this person's company" or, "Oh no, there's strangers listening to my rubbish social skills!") and my mind wanders elsewhere. People sometimes talk so quickly, I struggle to keep up, and I can never find the right time to add my own comment.
The next part of the problem is my reaction to social fears:
- A stranger getting on better with my friend than I am, and me feeling pushed out as I'm not as socially 'savvy' or confident.
- People picking on me, not feeling part of a group.
- Doing something embarrassing and getting judged for it.
- Getting told off. E.g. for saying something offensive, even if it wasn't meant to be offensive
- Talking out loud and people ignoring it.
If I feel rejected, jealous, ignored or embarrassed, or told off, I enter 'lockdown' mode. It's not quite a panic attack, my anxiety is mostly mental (although i do feel heavy and hot in crowds) I just fall apart inside. Basically, a series of rejecting/embarrassing moments happen and something clicks in my head.
My mind is blank, and I feel very, very aware of what I say. I feel guilty, self-conscious, and I hard it very hard to speak.
A recent example is when I met with my girlfriend and her mates, I said something, and there was an awkward silence, then they barely spoke to me. I felt pushed out, and sat away from everyone pretending to text someone. Everytime I saw her talking or flirting with people, it made me feel jealous, and I felt like an idiot just watching awkwardly. It made me feel like a shy child again.
Thats it I think, would you say this is social phobia? Some of the above sounds quite trivial, but it really affects me and i find it hard to make and keep friends, I feel lonely and I'm so jealous of how other people get on so well. I wish I could be 'cured.'
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