is this normal parenting? please help me..

[trip]

I only see my dad once in a few years for a couple weeks cuz he lives in another country.. i used to think he was a cool guy until for once i visited him 8 years ago when i was 14, but i found out he hasnt been dating since my mom died 20 years ago.. which i thought was so weird.. anyways i had to shower in my dad's bathroom cuz the other was broke and its one of those fuzzy glass boxes..

My dad kept offering to wash my back for me and i thought it was odd, and he was really intrusive while i was in there..made me feel uncomfortable, looking and stuff..i just felt something wasnt right.. so id try to shower quickly while he brushed his teeth.

anyways i dont remember exactly how it happened but my dad held my penis and sort of played with it for a little bit, and said something in a "oh look at what ive created" tone ... anyways this really confused the **** out of me.. and made me feel weird..i dunno if he just wanted to be close to me or something cuz he said why dont you tell me stuff like when u were a kid u werent shy about ur parts and asked me stuff, and i dunno how he expected me to do that.. after all i barely knew him..he was almost a stranger to me..

but anyways when i came back from the visit, i broke up with my gf (who i was very much in love with before he left, been together for 9months happily.. she was physically abused by a relative age 11 and i supported her alot and we loved eachother so much.. she was older than me btw) i broke up with her in the most awful manner.. and since then i havent been able to form an intimate relationship with any girl since.. every time we would start getting into the bf/gf thing i'd hurt them emotionally in the most devastating ways ..i feel like shit for doing that.. i didnt mean to do it ..

Right now Im just wondering if other parents are like this .. like they want to see their child's private parts to make sure everything is ok .. like maybe my dad isnt a psycho afterall.. anyways he really made me feel ****ed and i hate his guts for that. i changed from that day on and ive never told anyone about this ..until now. And i cant help think maybe this had something to do with my change.. and i need to know if this is normal and im taking it the wrong way or what ? (even though it didnt feel f*cking normal i can tell you that)

thanks in advance

 

[bcguitar]

ummm ya that aint normal at all , ur dad might be a child molester..

parents arnt suppose to be interested in there kids private parts and touching them ..

thats ****ed up..

 

[danstelter]

ummm ya that aint normal at all , ur dad might be a child molester..

parents arnt suppose to be interested in there kids private parts and touching them ..

thats ****ed up..

That is absolutely child molestation and it explains your inability to form relationships with women anymore. Molestation is a devastating emotional experience, and conciously or not, it is affecting and you are abusing and harming people because of it even though you don't mean to. The only time it is appropriate for a parent to touch a child's private parts is when they are just a few years old and need it washed. A parent should never ever do that, or anyone else for that matter, when someone is 14.

So, now what do you do? Well, somehow, you have to find a way to move past this experience, and that is just about impossible to do on your own. Seek a professional counselor who can help you come to terms with this abuse and figure out how you can get back to leading a normal and happy life filled with healthy relationships with others. If you feel like it, a counselor can also help you to explore whether pressing charges is the right option for you. That is a whole different debate though, and the most important thing is that you come to terms with this emotionally, and that can only be done with effective counseling (I have used it in the past and found it very helpful), otherwise you will continue to harm others and hate yourself for it.

I'm sorry that it happened to you; you didn't do anything to deserve it, but it is unfortunately, something that is your responsibility to deal with. Good luck and be sure to come back here if you need further help!

 

[trip]

Sorry..i dont think i can ever bring this up again.. to anybody.. i mean my gf was molested too and we were extremely close.. and i couldnt tell her.

I was physically intimate with other girls after that.. but emotionally vacant and distant.. and always couldnt go to the emotional level..and just wanted out..

after a while i thought it is just a useless waste of time/energy going after girls and repeating the cycle, then feeling bad cuz i hurt them .. so i just stopped trying and i havent had a date since i was like 16-17.. 6 ****ing years can u imagine that ?

The really sad part that gets to me is that my worse fear in life was that i'd turn out like how i saw my dad lived.. sad f*cked up alone with no relationship.. and heh it looks like thats where im heading..

And it sucks big time cuz my mom died when i was 3, and so i really need to be intimate and love and be loved by a girl to fill that hole.. my guy friends don't have this yearning for intimacy they just want the physical action and that's all.. they seem fine though.

i guess i'm f*cked and that's that.. I cant believe a father would do this .. I cant f*cking believe it.. it's not enough that he sent me away as a child to live with his parents.. he had to f*ck me up when i hit puberty.. funny his parents think of him as a hero.. and i cant tell them because i don't want to break their hearts .. but i feel he doesn't deserve what they think of him..nobody really knows him but me really. wish i didnt..

thanks anyways

 

[danstelter]

Well, if you want real love and to be loved, the only way you'll get that is by getting past this issue. I see that right now you are giving up hope. Counselors exist that work with child molestation issues all the time, and they know how to help anyone, even people who have had much more severe molestation than you. And, many of those people go on to lead healthy and happy lives.

I'm sorry you think that nothing can be done and you don't have to be sorry to me, but to yourself because not dealing with this will wreak havoc on you like it already has...and it might drive you to doing to other people what your dad did to you.

I sincerely hope that you can make a good choice for yourself and decide to face this rather than running way because it will be much better for you in the long run. However, I cannot force you into a certain direction, so choose as you will, but I am strongly encouraging you to seek help because there are professionals out there who have seen this type of thing thousands of time and know exactly how to help you.