Is it even worth the struggle?

[Infected_Malignity]

I'm curious as to weather anybody here feels the same way or not. Also, any insight/comments coming from the positive or negative site of the spectrum are much appreciated.

I don't know what's wrong here. I'm not real depressed, and I don't even come off as terribly shy anymore (or at least not as shy as I used to)... but I still feel so bad inside. I get this weird incentive sometimes where I want to change my life for the better... but I usually just end up running from myself. Instead of making simple changes, I usually end up pushing and shoving up against how I feel - kind of like forcing out a smile when you really feel like crying. I'll try everything I can in order to fix the way I feel, and I end up creating a monster.

For example, sometimes I feel inferior. I know it's normal to feel that way occasionally, usually due to events/shyness or whatever, but this is bad. What I'll do by not accepting this as a just a normal feeling, is end up making a monster out of myself. Like trying to look tough because I feel like such a pussy on the inside. Or trying to look super confident because I don't want people to know I'm shy. The only problem is, I feel worse than before when I do this shit.

Anyway, I can't do this anymore. I might as well just admit what I am and get it over with. Maybe I am a pussy. Maybe I am shy. I just don't see the need to fight against it anymore. I can't keep doing it. I hope that through this acceptance something starts to look up. All I know is, it's nowhere near worth the struggle. I think I'd rather be shy than a jerk. I'd rather be stupid than somebody who thinks he's right all the time.

All in all, I was just wondering if anybody has ever felt like this before or if I'm just retarded. Cause right now, I have no idea. All I know is I'd rather be the nice guy I really am than to create a monster. I'm just going to start respecting my inner moral values and shut up about it. At least doing that much makes me feel better.

 

[very_shy]

Hey, I totally agree with you. And I would choose the way you said it:

All I know is I'd rather be the nice guy I really am than to create a monster..

Why? Well, as I have simiilar symptoms as you (shyness, afraid to make first step etc.), from my experience, even if you try to pretend that you are "tough", confident etc., you will sooner or later fail.

My choice would then be to make only small steps in transformation, but only when you feel it is right. This is, if you really want to change. I would feel extremly embarassed if I suddenly become stranger to myself, only to be more favourable and joyful to the others, regardless of whether we speak about people who know you for all of your life or the ones you have met only recently. And, from my case, the latter will soon discover your real (=nice) personality,even if you are trying to pretend.

From my perspective - when I think about changing myself, one thought stops me; a thought about how would my "close friends" (= people who know me for a long time) react. Would they laugh at me, and remember all my shyness, phobias? For how long? The thing is, If I am to become a new person, these people must literally forget about my "shy" past and start all over again, like it never existed. Like creating a new man, for example. And here I stop... and accept myself, and sometimes even make jokes about me, my phobias... And the most important - I feel I'm myself, however the doors for the wind of change remain open... that is why I joined this forum for the first place.

Good luck!

 

[IknowIhaveSP]

I feel more or less same with you and I feel trapped
I look strong and arrogant but actually I'm really social phobic. I'm really afraid of social interactions and cant start conversations with people so I stay away and then people think that I'm distant & arrogant In fact I'm such a silly, shy coward!!

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I'm curious as to weather anybody here feels the same way or not. Also, any insight/comments coming from the positive or negative site of the spectrum are much appreciated.

I don't know what's wrong here. I'm not real depressed, and I don't even come off as terribly shy anymore (or at least not as shy as I used to)... but I still feel so bad inside. I get this weird incentive sometimes where I want to change my life for the better... but I usually just end up running from myself. Instead of making simple changes, I usually end up pushing and shoving up against how I feel - kind of like forcing out a smile when you really feel like crying. I'll try everything I can in order to fix the way I feel, and I end up creating a monster.

For example, sometimes I feel inferior. I know it's normal to feel that way occasionally, usually due to events/shyness or whatever, but this is bad. What I'll do by not accepting this as a just a normal feeling, is end up making a monster out of myself. Like trying to look tough because I feel like such a pussy on the inside. Or trying to look super confident because I don't want people to know I'm shy. The only problem is, I feel worse than before when I do this shit.

Anyway, I can't do this anymore. I might as well just admit what I am and get it over with. Maybe I am a pussy. Maybe I am shy. I just don't see the need to fight against it anymore. I can't keep doing it. I hope that through this acceptance something starts to look up. All I know is, it's nowhere near worth the struggle. I think I'd rather be shy than a jerk. I'd rather be stupid than somebody who thinks he's right all the time.

All in all, I was just wondering if anybody has ever felt like this before or if I'm just retarded. Cause right now, I have no idea. All I know is I'd rather be the nice guy I really am than to create a monster. I'm just going to start respecting my inner moral values and shut up about it. At least doing that much makes me feel better.

i absolutely tell you that you are not alone! I've done it myself! After I graduated in Highschool, I promised to myself that I would not become a shy, submissive, bullied and pathetic person that I was. And so I started College giving my classmates the impression that I was so friendly, cheerful and confident. I tell you it worked! I felt more accepted! but in the long run, I suddenly felt guilty... not to them but to myself! Because I know that i am only pretending. (For example, sometimes when they crack a joke about me... I still laugh about it so that i would look "cool" to them even though I felt offended) And not only that! I am often exhausted emotionally and physically because my self knows that I'm not used being an active and assertive person! and so I decided to stop making a fool of myself and just go back to the kind of person that i am. I've finally accepted that I'm not that bubbly person. I mean, there are lots of people who are not that extroverted but people love them! and just think of this.... If we'll continue showing a masked personality to them, we wouldn't even know if people truly accepts us because we absolutely know that it is not us! ... and so you might ask what happened to me after that? well, I'm not the center of the crowd anymore but atleast I have friends who really accept me and I felt better about myself. I'm still shy and quite submissive and still feels kind'a pathetic but I am not bullied anymore. I don't know why but maybe somehow, in those times that i was pretending, I still learned something that helped me improved a little bit about myself. So I guess, we don't really need a total personality makeover because it would just worsen ourselves, we just have to learn to accept who we are and try to improve a bit.

Although I'm still struggling about some personal conflicts, what I've shared to you was a major problem that i've (thankfully) overcome.

 

[HexNoir]

Seriously. I just feel like my self esteem is at an all-time low. All because I fight it. Turns out, as much as I want to deny it, I really do care about what other people think of me. I tell myself I don't and start treating myself like shit and ignoring the people around me in order to seek some kind of fulfillment in seclusion... which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I end up making people think I have some sort of beef with them. I think I need to get my head out of my ass and be realistic... start accepting the balance - I need to like myself and have some sort of positive connection with people or else I automatically feel like shit.

At least it's good to know I'm not alone in this. I need to get my priorities straight and start practicing some honesty in order to make a decision based on how I really feel. Otherwise, I'm just going to feel the need to annihilate myself from this planet that might be better off without me.