Is having no self esteem, no self confidence an unattractive

[Jim_Bergerac]

feature in your opinion?

To be honest I have put my real lack of attention from women down to the fact I believe I am ugly and am so self conscious and shy when I meet people. I am 28, its not really what I should be like is it? When I was a teenager - people who were 28 were supposed to be really confident and not be scared of interacting with people. I am starting to think even if I was totally gorgeous, would I really be seen as desirable to women if I act and behave in the same anxious and shy way? I am confident around people including women who I am comfortable with and know well, but I know I am probably very unapproachable and come across as a bit unstable with my real lack of confidence to people I don't know, I do look terrified at times when approached by women asking me just work related questions, I can't imagine women thinking wow he was nice when I act like that. I only act like that because of what I have said in my previous posts - that I am just fearful they will see my perceived flaws - my perceived ugliness and knowing that I really have no confidence - I just worry they think I am ugly, weird, not normal, etc because of these things.

I mean confidence is a really brilliant attribute, do you think that people who clearly have zero confidence are a real turn off in terms of people finding those with no confidence as desirable?

Maybe if I can understand that how I act (i.e. no confidence) is a huge reason in why I don't get much interest, then maybe I can go on a mission to sort that out. Afterall - I do find that I am always trying to do my best to be accepted - therefore why would that be any different - i.e. demand myself to be confident to be accepted.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

 

[maggie]

hey jim....i think....what is attractive to someone, is not necessarily attractive to someone else....i definitely hear you when you say lack of confidence is.... or feels...unattractive....it feels shitty i know......and it doesn't help if you're trying to connect with someone.......but i always hold out the hope that there is someone for everyone......and when you say you're ugly....maybe you just perceive yourself that way cause of the social anxiety and lack of confidence that comes with it.......hopefully some day, someone will look deeper....look past all that.......and see you for the person that you are

 

[Si]

Hey Jim,
Haven't been here for a while myself.Have let SP get the better of me over the last 6 months and I'm bloody sick of it.I have read some of your posts and think you're right on the money.I think SP can can affect each of us differently.There are certain things that affects some people more than others.And from a guys point of view having a low self esteem and lack of confidence is definitely a turn off for women.I don't know if I have made this an unconcious hobby but I tend to study people and how they behave and react.I have noticed that every guy I know that is confident gets women easily or lives in a stable relationship with a women.There is definitely something in it.You can't deny it.As an experiment I've tried different responses to women at checkouts when I've been shopping.If you smile and look and speak confidently you get a much more very positive response than if you put on your standard SP persona.To me being confident as an SP person is like going to the gym to do weights.You have to put in a concious effort and keep it up.Any time you slack off your mental muscles go weak and your negative thoughts start knocking that confidence back.So for me I think of trying to be confident as a mental workout.The more I work out the more confident I get and the longer it lasts.Maybe this sounds like crap to some people, but I'm willing to try anything that helps.All the best Jim.

 

[Higolo]

hey jim....i think....what is attractive to someone, is not necessarily attractive to someone else....i definitely hear you when you say lack of confidence is.... or feels...unattractive....it feels shitty i know......and it doesn't help if you're trying to connect with someone.......but i always hold out the hope that there is someone for everyone......and when you say you're ugly....maybe you just perceive yourself that way cause of the social anxiety and lack of confidence that comes with it.......hopefully some day, someone will look deeper....look past all that.......and see you for the person that you are

Maggie, why do you use so many .........'s?

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Good post Si. You are right, when I think about people at work who are confident - they get people interested in them no problem. Yet I have two really good friends - one at work and one I have known for many years - and they are both quiet and not all that confident, and they really struggle to meet women - and its definitely not because they look crap because they don't. So yeah very good observation - and I always find that with me and maybe for you too - I am always trying to self improve - i.e. I realise things that could have been judged negative in me and make sure I don't let that happen again - and I think realising and understanding to self improve I really need to be confident is a real motivation to try and achieve it.

I have been working all morning on my perceived flaw of my ugliness and my nose - which I am so insecure about and when people look at me I do feel self conscious and anxious about being judged negatively about this. I have done some brilliant work on that. If I can overcome this self consciousness over how I look then I will feel a lot more confident in myself and not fear being watched and looked at. However, the issue of gaining confidence is a tricky one too. For instance I am so anxious around my boss because I feel so inferior to him for my low confidence as well as fearing he will judge me negatively for my pathetic levels of confidence. The way I intend to tackle this (after I have tried tackling my ugliness problem) is that I believe I am only anxious because I am scared people will see my huge lack of confidence and think I am weird. I think the best way therefore to tackle this is to not fear having low self confidence - to not fear people see you struggling with your confidence, to not fear messing up because of your confidence. I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but if you think about it - say you can manage to no longer worry about what people think of being unconfident - then when faced with a situation you will not fear how you are going to perform, you will go in with no worries, fears, etc. I mean when you look at this from another angle - think of someone you are not anxious around - maybe family or friends - you don't worry about your performance, you don't worry about messing up, etc and you remain confident. Whereas someone you are anxious around - if your confidence is a perceived flaw - i.e. you worry people will judge you negatively for your lack of confidence, then you are very self aware of your performance and confidence around the person/people, you worried how they perceive you, worried about interacting because you fear you will make a mess of it because you don't feel you are confident enough. I mean haev you ever wanted to say things to people but lacked confidence to say it - worried that you will not be able to deliver what you want to say right? Any thoughts on that approach to overcoming lack of confidence?

I do agree Si that you have to always put in the work if you want to improve. I do believe though, that most of the hard work has to be done by working on these problems by ourselves - i.e. understanding, changing beliefs, seeing things in a rational way. I think one reason graded exposure and putting yourself into situations doesn't work well is because your beliefs don't change, so next time when faced with that same situation you still have the same fears and insecurities, same perceived flaws. But doing nothing will achieve nothing!

 

[maggie]

hey jim....i think....what is attractive to someone, is not necessarily attractive to someone else....i definitely hear you when you say lack of confidence is.... or feels...unattractive....it feels shitty i know......and it doesn't help if you're trying to connect with someone.......but i always hold out the hope that there is someone for everyone......and when you say you're ugly....maybe you just perceive yourself that way cause of the social anxiety and lack of confidence that comes with it.......hopefully some day, someone will look deeper....look past all that.......and see you for the person that you are

Maggie, why do you use so many .........'s?

Higolo..not sure, i think it's just my way of inserting a pause or a breather...try to make it appear closer to the way i would be saying it?...something like that :roll:

 

[bonafide]

I think what is ultimatley unattractive is a negative, pessimistic, dumping personality.

I struggle greatly with social phobia/anxiety, but even in the midst of it, I take great care not to become a bitter, negative individual in my interaction with others. I admit to harboring that negativity and bitterness, but I really care about others, and realize that people do not want to be around those types of personalities.

Now hear me, I am NOT talking about opening up about your problems to others. I believe you can have issues with yourself, yet still make the effort to be pleasant with other people. You might not be the life of the party, but I think you get my point.

 

[feeltherage]

Hi

Hi Jim. Self confidence will get you far in a social setting, I know because I used have it. I couldn't tell you how to go about getting it or getting it back. It's like knowing who you are, what your about and being happy with that. When you have confidence its like you give off some kind of aura or pheromone and people are usually naturally drawn to you in one way or the other.

About looks. Like others have said, looks will differ depending on who is looking. I think raising your self image will go along way to boosting your confidence.

Thats all I have to say on it.

 

[Reholla]

Hey, this is just my opinion....

I dont think a lack of self confidence is UNattractive, as much as I think having self confidence IS attractive. Make sense?

Like people that have self confidence stand out, and people (guys , girls, doesnt really matter) will notice them and feel more attracted to them. People with self confidence appear more inviting, and friendly. No one wants to go out of their way to get to know some one who appears stand-offish and ingenuine. And unfortunately this is how you appear without self confidence.

But dont focus on this so much. People (or at least me and others ive noticed) dont pay much attention to you if you dont have confidence. They just pay more attention and feel more comfortable around people who exude feeling comfortable with themsleves.

 

[maggie]

jinxed...thank-you