T T T
Well-known member
So i've just finished school, and although I have to go back there to do my A Levels, I have roughly 12 weeks off to hide in my room and develop my SA by not having to go out.
Now, I have one companion in the world, the only person that has ever loved me for me; my girlfriend. She's still in school, and of course the inevitable scenario has arrisen: meeting her out of school.
Because I live in a small village on the outskirts of where the school is, to get a public bus into the town means I have to stand at the side of a busy main road, and when it comes stick my hand out, and get on. For someone that hates being the centre of attention; this is really hard. Everysingle car that goes past on a busy main road stares right into my soul, wonders why i'm stood there when it isn't even a ligitimate bus stop, and why I think I deserve to wait there and make them feel they have to drive slightly to the other side of the road to cautiously avoid me.
So then I get off the bus, walk past the bored, judging eyes than evaluate me as I stumble past them on a moving bus, thank the bus driver for what he has just been paid to reluctantly do, and begin to walk through a busy shopping street; the worst part being, the people who have also left school, the people in my year, also visit this town to see their friends in their spare time. I can't help but think that they are thinking "Why the **** does he belive he is good enough to be here, he's never come here before, he has no friends, what a arrogant, selfish .. " and I start to get really angry and upset with myself.
I finally walk through the gates of school after a fifteen minute walk of sweating and overthinking about every single person I see. I walk up to the class room where my girlfriend is. I then situate myself so that no one can see me in the room or any of the surrounding class rooms, and wait for the flood of 30 - 100 school students to flood out of class rooms, all staring at the kid that has no reason to be there.
However, then my girlfriend comes out, I see her smile, I loosen up, and everything is fine. I'm still shy, and to go and talk to some new people would be equally as awful, but the sweaty, tense, nautious, depressed feeling vanishes.
And this is all going to happen in about two hours.
I don't mind it, it's good to get out. I'm like this because until I met my girlfriend, I would never leave the house and just spend the day, weeks and weeks at a time, just in my room on the computer.
I'm terrified that in a few years time, if this continues, I wont be able to leave the house without my girlfriend. And what if she leaves me? We've been together seven months, and we plan to get engaged in the next few years. It is a serious relationship, we are a stronger couple than many married couples, but of course the worry is still there.
I don't really know why i'm posting this, it's just a depressing monolouge really. I'm just scared and I know it will comfort me when i'm on that bus to know that I have shared my feelings with people that understand and that, as the logo/tagline of this website states, I/we really are not alone.
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.
Now, I have one companion in the world, the only person that has ever loved me for me; my girlfriend. She's still in school, and of course the inevitable scenario has arrisen: meeting her out of school.
Because I live in a small village on the outskirts of where the school is, to get a public bus into the town means I have to stand at the side of a busy main road, and when it comes stick my hand out, and get on. For someone that hates being the centre of attention; this is really hard. Everysingle car that goes past on a busy main road stares right into my soul, wonders why i'm stood there when it isn't even a ligitimate bus stop, and why I think I deserve to wait there and make them feel they have to drive slightly to the other side of the road to cautiously avoid me.
So then I get off the bus, walk past the bored, judging eyes than evaluate me as I stumble past them on a moving bus, thank the bus driver for what he has just been paid to reluctantly do, and begin to walk through a busy shopping street; the worst part being, the people who have also left school, the people in my year, also visit this town to see their friends in their spare time. I can't help but think that they are thinking "Why the **** does he belive he is good enough to be here, he's never come here before, he has no friends, what a arrogant, selfish .. " and I start to get really angry and upset with myself.
I finally walk through the gates of school after a fifteen minute walk of sweating and overthinking about every single person I see. I walk up to the class room where my girlfriend is. I then situate myself so that no one can see me in the room or any of the surrounding class rooms, and wait for the flood of 30 - 100 school students to flood out of class rooms, all staring at the kid that has no reason to be there.
However, then my girlfriend comes out, I see her smile, I loosen up, and everything is fine. I'm still shy, and to go and talk to some new people would be equally as awful, but the sweaty, tense, nautious, depressed feeling vanishes.
And this is all going to happen in about two hours.
I don't mind it, it's good to get out. I'm like this because until I met my girlfriend, I would never leave the house and just spend the day, weeks and weeks at a time, just in my room on the computer.
I'm terrified that in a few years time, if this continues, I wont be able to leave the house without my girlfriend. And what if she leaves me? We've been together seven months, and we plan to get engaged in the next few years. It is a serious relationship, we are a stronger couple than many married couples, but of course the worry is still there.
I don't really know why i'm posting this, it's just a depressing monolouge really. I'm just scared and I know it will comfort me when i'm on that bus to know that I have shared my feelings with people that understand and that, as the logo/tagline of this website states, I/we really are not alone.
Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.
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