Miss_han
New member
I've just joined this site and tbh I'm in tears because I really didnt think there was anyone else out there like me.
I am under alot of pressure at the moment to get a job but I just cant (because of the obvious reasons) it feels like a brick wall is in the way I just can't go out there and act my age and feel accepted, I do not feel adequate, I feel very inferior to everyone else unless they are ugly/weird- then I am ok-ish for some reason. I constantly think people are looking at me and thinking I'm weird/ugly/a tart. I can't use the telephone, I've missed alot of uni work and I can't do any of the presentations- and there are loads- I end up just not doing them. It's a complete nightmare.
I've seen my doctor and I'm on 10mg of cipralex but it doesnt seem to be helping with this. It's got rid of the depression side but hasn't touched this problem and so I'm just getting really sad again. I hardly ever leave the house, when I do it's usually to go out and get drunk and then I'm not being 'myself'. I went on a date the other night and I felt INCREDIBLY nervous I drank some wine before I left the house to calm my nerves and while I was out I had 2 more glasses, I ended up having a blackout and I havent heard from the lad since-he was really nice too. I tend to make myself happier by eating food I enjoy. Another thing I should mention is I get panic attacks and when I'm in a room full of people e.g. at the theatre my neck go's all shaky and I think people can see it and it makes me feel worse. I know this is disgusting- but I also think how awful it would be to pass wind in such a place and I find myself continuously having to stop this from happening (I've had this in exams-I've literally become all shakey, hands sweating holding onto the exam desk to stop myself from passing wind- every 10 minutes). When I first joined high school I couldn't stop being sick because of nerves, I would have to ask the teacher if I could go the toilet and a few times I threw up in the corridors and in assembly..this went on for ages..say 2.3 years. Everyone used to ask me about it, I've never really fitted in even in primary school.
I really dont know what to do about this, fighting it is going to be such a hard battle and I really dont know whether I can mentally and physically cope with it. But I need to sort something out because all I ever do is sit in the house watching tv or messing on my laptop and I'm blowing my chance of becoming a lawyer (I'm doing a degree in law at uni). I'm 19 now too, I'm wasting my life, missing out on so many exciting and fun opportunities! I have no money so I really need a job, but I just feel as though I would be no good or I would do something wrong - working on a checkout would be a nightmare. I think I would be very clumsy and get shouted at alot. Like I said, its like hitting a brick wall, something in my head is not letting me go and do the things I wish i could do.
I'm very envious of people who aren't like me, I really wish I could be more like them. To top it off no one understands how I feel, they think I'm just lazy, I just really don't know what to do. I feel so crap. My life is hell- but I just ignore it all and carry on everyday.
Sorry about posting this, bet I've really bored you lol!!
I am under alot of pressure at the moment to get a job but I just cant (because of the obvious reasons) it feels like a brick wall is in the way I just can't go out there and act my age and feel accepted, I do not feel adequate, I feel very inferior to everyone else unless they are ugly/weird- then I am ok-ish for some reason. I constantly think people are looking at me and thinking I'm weird/ugly/a tart. I can't use the telephone, I've missed alot of uni work and I can't do any of the presentations- and there are loads- I end up just not doing them. It's a complete nightmare.
I've seen my doctor and I'm on 10mg of cipralex but it doesnt seem to be helping with this. It's got rid of the depression side but hasn't touched this problem and so I'm just getting really sad again. I hardly ever leave the house, when I do it's usually to go out and get drunk and then I'm not being 'myself'. I went on a date the other night and I felt INCREDIBLY nervous I drank some wine before I left the house to calm my nerves and while I was out I had 2 more glasses, I ended up having a blackout and I havent heard from the lad since-he was really nice too. I tend to make myself happier by eating food I enjoy. Another thing I should mention is I get panic attacks and when I'm in a room full of people e.g. at the theatre my neck go's all shaky and I think people can see it and it makes me feel worse. I know this is disgusting- but I also think how awful it would be to pass wind in such a place and I find myself continuously having to stop this from happening (I've had this in exams-I've literally become all shakey, hands sweating holding onto the exam desk to stop myself from passing wind- every 10 minutes). When I first joined high school I couldn't stop being sick because of nerves, I would have to ask the teacher if I could go the toilet and a few times I threw up in the corridors and in assembly..this went on for ages..say 2.3 years. Everyone used to ask me about it, I've never really fitted in even in primary school.
I really dont know what to do about this, fighting it is going to be such a hard battle and I really dont know whether I can mentally and physically cope with it. But I need to sort something out because all I ever do is sit in the house watching tv or messing on my laptop and I'm blowing my chance of becoming a lawyer (I'm doing a degree in law at uni). I'm 19 now too, I'm wasting my life, missing out on so many exciting and fun opportunities! I have no money so I really need a job, but I just feel as though I would be no good or I would do something wrong - working on a checkout would be a nightmare. I think I would be very clumsy and get shouted at alot. Like I said, its like hitting a brick wall, something in my head is not letting me go and do the things I wish i could do.
I'm very envious of people who aren't like me, I really wish I could be more like them. To top it off no one understands how I feel, they think I'm just lazy, I just really don't know what to do. I feel so crap. My life is hell- but I just ignore it all and carry on everyday.
Sorry about posting this, bet I've really bored you lol!!
