WearyChild
Well-known member
I was lying in bed (I know not a shocker) and the thought came to me. I hide in my house in my room afraid and I think on some subconscious level I think as long as I don't 'live' time wont go by. Like as long as I don't do anything nothing will change I'll never grow up and I'll never die.
Its so frustrating though because I'm 19 and I can't even put on my shoes and step out the door without freaking out in my head. I think the worst thing is when I get light headed because I hate being out of control. Every time I've ever thought I was getting worse I have another attack and end up in a deeper hole then I was in to begin with. I don't know how to climb out anymore but its so cold.
If I could imagine a perfect life it would be building myself a bookstore in a farmhouse style building and just living but that will never happen because I'm so petrified of life. The sad part is I think I'm more afraid of being accepted and getting better then staying how I am now. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy. Have I ever been. Some days I wonder if my heart is just going to stop, others I wonder if I would care if it did.
Don't mind my ramblings. Although most likely I've already told myself anything you guys could tell me I guess just seeing that I'm not along is a little bit of a comfort.
Sometimes I wonder why we were chosen to suffer like this while others get to walk by. Ignorance truly is bliss.
Its so frustrating though because I'm 19 and I can't even put on my shoes and step out the door without freaking out in my head. I think the worst thing is when I get light headed because I hate being out of control. Every time I've ever thought I was getting worse I have another attack and end up in a deeper hole then I was in to begin with. I don't know how to climb out anymore but its so cold.
If I could imagine a perfect life it would be building myself a bookstore in a farmhouse style building and just living but that will never happen because I'm so petrified of life. The sad part is I think I'm more afraid of being accepted and getting better then staying how I am now. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy. Have I ever been. Some days I wonder if my heart is just going to stop, others I wonder if I would care if it did.
Don't mind my ramblings. Although most likely I've already told myself anything you guys could tell me I guess just seeing that I'm not along is a little bit of a comfort.
Sometimes I wonder why we were chosen to suffer like this while others get to walk by. Ignorance truly is bliss.