I'm significantly happier now that I lost attraction

[spectator]

I haven't been this nondepressed in almost a year, but I've actually managed for a good few weeks to be relatively content. I don't know how or why but I lost a lot of my sexual attraction to girls. I guess there's just a limit to how upset or suicidal you can be over this and how long it can build up until it just can't reach a lower point. I just lost it. I appreciate pretty girls, like a beautiful art piece, but that's it. I lost any more desire from there. I can even talk and act quite normally now around them (though my face is kind of expressionless and cold), but I don't have that "omg omg could she like me? could we be boyfriend/girlfriend or is it not possible? I think I love her" garbage that I used to have.

I guess part of it is I rearranged priorities in life. I cared primarily about having a child. Now I don't really feel I need one since I don't think this species will be lasting too much longer on earth. But in case it does, I could always get a mail order bride, and, since she'll undoubtedly cheat on me, do everything I can beforehand with the help of lawyers to take full custody of the child. And that way I won't get the "romance" bullshit-game love, but I'll get the genuine parent-child love. I'd have to be the perfect father though and have some kind of nanny or motherly figure, but I'm willing to go through that with the advice of the best professionals for this stuff I can find.

But how can I achieve all this? It's another thing I figured- I gave up on relationships right? That's hours, weeks, literally months or years of time I can spend no longer worrying about my appearance or making an impression on girls, and instead devoting every fiber of my being to being productive (IE: studying, working, volunteer work, working out, eating right). Of those, I've only been doing the first 2 (and started the third), but I'm very excited about getting to improving myself, biologically, and for no other reason than to live to an old age in wealth. And with this wealth- I'm going to do it all, skydiving, hiking, bungee jumping, roller coasters, travelling the world, river rafting- My job (a doctor working around the world is my current goal for the future, and seeing as I can handle tons of work with no redemption or breaks for socializing, I don't think I'll have trouble in med school) will entitle me to visit exotic places and save lives, so I'll be able to feel morally good about myself while having fun (I can have fun alone- I'm used to it already).

The only love in my life will be, as I said, between me and a child (though I don't even expect this), but more importantly, between me and my immediate family, who I was blessed with having since we are a close-knit and extremely loving group. I love them with all my heart and will do much to help them (as they will for me). So as far as missing out on youthful love- **** youthful love, I never experienced it and never will, this sort of love is treasured and good enough for me.

This new life philosophy has somehow managed to lift me from a brutal year-long depression. Without a therapist I think I've found the cure myself. This is great.

So what are your thoughts? Does anyone else find this path to be the most fulfilling for those of us with some kind of social awkwardness or unbeatable love-shyness? Or do you find this abhorrent?

 

[krs2snow]

Wow. That's...? I guess congratulations on not being so depressed lately. I have to tell ya though, I think you are giving up. I mean, you've already ordered a bride, had her cheat on you, hired lawyers, got a divorce and took sole custody of a child that isn't here yet! What are you doing?!

Not placing so much importance on finding love is a good idea. Maybe this will allow you to act more naturally when you're around someone you find attractive. Focusing on yourself is also a great idea and doing things to improve yourself is great. But, don't decide your whole life yet! Don't end your relationship before you've even met someone!

I do find your philosophy abhorrent! Just because it is so sad and such a waste of- what seems to me to be- an intelligent, motivated and caring guy!

 

[Kien]

So it is possible to loose the ability you to even feel attraction to girls! (O,O) Good news. Too much text though, didn't understand how you managed to succed. :/ God just imagine if I never could have fallen in love with anyone. :}

 

[theman]

one thing missing

Kien,
There's one hole in your philosophy and its a big one.

You say you've given up on getting love from a relationship/woman and you'll be fine with the 'real' love that your child gives you.

Seems kinda cruel, 'using' a child as your supply of love. As someone who rejects romantic love, you're going to be very much in need of that child's love. That's an unfair burden on that child.

What kind of prospects for happiness and love would that child have if it had a father who (in refusing to do the work it takes to learn how to start and develop relationships) could not teach it to have loving relationships? A father who models denial?

Children learn by watching parents. A child of a father who rejects the notion of mating would learn that same denial.

Mating is the single strongest urge we all have. Its how species survive.

If you decide to go on your philosophical way, by all means do it, because its obviously what's in your heart right now. But please think long and hard before you expose a child to someone with that philosophy.

 

[spectator]

Re: one thing missing

Wow. That's...? I guess congratulations on not being so depressed lately. I have to tell ya though, I think you are giving up. I mean, you've already ordered a bride, had her cheat on you, hired lawyers, got a divorce and took sole custody of a child that isn't here yet! What are you doing?!

Not placing so much importance on finding love is a good idea. Maybe this will allow you to act more naturally when you're around someone you find attractive. Focusing on yourself is also a great idea and doing things to improve yourself is great. But, don't decide your whole life yet! Don't end your relationship before you've even met someone!

I do find your philosophy abhorrent! Just because it is so sad and such a waste of- what seems to me to be- an intelligent, motivated and caring guy!

Well, thanks for the compliment
The mail-order bride is the temporary measure I'll take, mentally, under the assumption that nothing works out from here. I'm not going to hold onto that specifically and make sure it happens (Ie. if I actually do end up with a girl yada yada, it's out the window), it's more of my backup option, I just expect, right now, that I'll end up having to implement it in the future.

So it is possible to loose the ability you to even feel attraction to girls! (O,O) Good news. Too much text though, didn't understand how you managed to succed. :/ God just imagine if I never could have fallen in love with anyone. :}

It's the fact that I'm in a school populated mostly by females, most of them brutally attractive, and ending up dissappointed at every one of my failures for so long that, as I said, I can't really get to a lower point. There's no where here but up or in the same place, and I only feel happy when I just let go of this dumb urge to be attracted and ultimately be rejected.

Kien,
There's one hole in your philosophy and its a big one.

You say you've given up on getting love from a relationship/woman and you'll be fine with the 'real' love that your child gives you.

Seems kinda cruel, 'using' a child as your supply of love.

What kind of prospects for happiness and love would that child have if it had a father who (in refusing to do the work it takes to learn how to start and develop relationships) could not teach it to have loving relationships? A father who models denial?

Children learn by watching parents. A child of a father who rejects the notion of mating would learn that same denial.

Mating is the single strongest urge we all have. Its how species survive.

If you decide to go on your philosophical way, by all means do it, because its obviously what's in your heart right now. But please think long and hard before you expose a child to someone with that philosophy.

I think you're talking to me not Kien.

I didn't say I'll be fine with the love the child gives me, I said I'll be fine with the love I give the child. I've got a lot of pent up love right now that's not able to be broadcasted to anyone, it'll explode once I have a "target" 8)

Anyway, I'll do everything I can to make sure he/she doesn't end up like me. Generally kids of wealthy men and mail-order brides don't grow up with some unique psychological problem, and from there it will be just like a kid growing up in a divorced family (a circumstance that sucks, but it's either that, or I become a Darwin reject by dying with no progeny- unless the bride doesn't cheat on me, in which case we'll be a happy family, but I doubt that). Like I said, I will spend every waking effort to giving the kid every damn tool to succeed in relationships that I never had. I've been given so much advice I already know what advice to give; though it fails with me, I trust it could work with a child if I instill it early on.

I'd be really scewed if I had a daughter though. I wouldn't know what the hell to do. But hopefully with age comes wisdom and I'll be able to have a full range of perspectives and plan accordingly.

 

[theman]

you're right spec - I WAS talking to you. My mistake.

You say you'll give the kid all the right advice, but kids don't learn from advice. They learn most things BEFORE they can understand or produce speech. They learn by observing the behaviors you model to them.

Your child's relationship skills will likely be at the same level as yours. They will be different in unique ways, but no more advanced.

Your advice will not have any impact.

You say the situation will be just like a divorced couple, but in most divorced couples I've worked with, the two parents are actively seeking and having new relationships with other potential mates after the breakup.

They are modeling healthy relationship behavior.

As for the normalcy of children with wealthy fathers and mail order brides - you might want to look into that one a bit. Those with 'pent up' love ready to 'explode' on a child tend to do just that. Blow the kid's life to smithereenes.

 

[krs2snow]

Oh my! theman and spectator, why are you arguing this ludicrous point of how the non-existent child will develop growing up in a broken family w/a social phobic dad and a mail order bride!??! Its FICTION! Stop it, Spectator! Go out, get your degree, travel the world, heal the sick and stop creating a completely negative and depressing love story in your head! Put your focus on the things you mentioned and in time the rest will fall into place! In the mean time- consider getting a puppy!!

 

[Kien]

Thank good you were't talking to me. (O,o) I never said I wanted to have a damn baby to love.

 

[spectator]

you're right spec - I WAS talking to you. My mistake.

You say you'll give the kid all the right advice, but kids don't learn from advice. They learn most things BEFORE they can understand or produce speech. They learn by observing the behaviors you model to them.

Your child's relationship skills will likely be at the same level as yours. They will be different in unique ways, but no more advanced.

Your advice will not have any impact.

You say the situation will be just like a divorced couple, but in most divorced couples I've worked with, the two parents are actively seeking and having new relationships with other potential mates after the breakup.

They are modeling healthy relationship behavior.

As for the normalcy of children with wealthy fathers and mail order brides - you might want to look into that one a bit. Those with 'pent up' love ready to 'explode' on a child tend to do just that. Blow the kid's life to smithereenes.

My parents had one of the healthiest relationships ever, all my brothers are completely normal in terms of being able to get relationships, I had every model of success yet it failed. So I'd think the opposite would be true too; with bad models a kid could still succeed.

But regardless you bring up a lot of good points. Like I said, this is the most tentative part of my whole plan so to speak. I could always try going it alone forever and be happy that way if the child thing doesn't work out. Anyway I have plenty of time to debate with myself and reflect on this.

Oh my! theman and spectator, why are you arguing this ludicrous point of how the non-existent child will develop growing up in a broken family w/a social phobic dad and a mail order bride!??! Its FICTION!

Well that certainly puts it into perspective

Stop it, Spectator! Go out, get your degree, travel the world, heal the sick and stop creating a completely negative and depressing love story in your head! Put your focus on the things you mentioned and in time the rest will fall into place! In the mean time- consider getting a puppy!!

I'm just planning ahead based on the way things are now..I don't know if it will change, I mean, that would be great, but I've always been so hopeful and then right afterwards turned down that I just got sick of the cycle repeating itself you know....in this way, I can think of my future as something other than failure after failure with relationships. I guess I'll just stay in limbo for now...

 

[theman]

krs - LOL - you'right! Silly to argue these things now. Spec really just needs to go out and live life.

Spec - Too much planning already. Get out and chase a few hot girls this weekend!

 

[spectator]

krs - LOL - you'right! Silly to argue these things now. Spec really just needs to go out and live life.

Spec - Too much planning already. Get out and chase a few hot girls this weekend!

Ah....that is my mentality at times but, even when I do muster up the courage and self-confidence to ask someone out or to flirt with a girl, I get turned down. It's not an issue of confidence, it's just an issue of something inherently undesirable about me (I didn't think this until after such rejections, so it's not like I'm being rejected due to non-confident vibes). I don't like to be hopeful anymore because when hope is followed by failure it makes me depressed. I'm actually genuinely happy now that I stopped chasing after girls. I've been hanging out with male friends I needed to catch up with as well as going to eat with groups of girls who I suppress all innate attraction to (tough but I've succeeded), the weather's nice, my grades are high, everything's going great. I don't want to ruin it all by another failed attempt at getting a girl :/

 

[haze]

hey spec, im impressed with your plan. If you want a child then be sure your your ok with the worst reasonable possability (you know fucking the child up or having them completely reject you etc) then go for it.

 

[nikki_marie]

wow. i can only hope u were taking the piss when u wrote this topic lol coz that is a pretty negative outlook on the rest of your life espcialy when most of it aint even begun to happen yet.

oh a thai ladies r supposed to be wild in the bedroom dept haha

 

[theman]

I'm curious spec -

Suppose you could snap your fingers and you would become one of those guys who could walk into a room, approach any of the hottest women there and have her dying to go out with you within 3 minutes. But it would only work on about 3 out of every 10 women you approach. So you'd have to get rejected by 7 hot women in order to get 3 gorgeous women to go out with you.

Would you snap your fingers? Or would you rather remain in the safety of your current state, surpressing your urges, but feeling no rejection?

Which path would you take?