I'm lost... need some advice

[IhateMyself]

Forgive the long-windedness of this spiel but I've never verbalized any of this outside of my own head so I've got a lot bottled up. The anonymity helps.

I don't enjoy talking about personal aspects of my life, and I'm sure I will be banging my head against the keyboard tomorrow morning when my head clears, but at this point in time I don't have anyone to confide in. I suppose a lot of this is just me feeling sorry for myself but maybe it will help to get it off my chest.

I'm 21-years-old and have been a loner for just as long, though it wasn't until more recently that I found out about social anxiety and its impact on life. I've never had a girlfriend and though it shames me greatly to admit it, I had never kissed a girl until this past week, which is a large part of my dilemma.

I'm very uncomfortable with physical contact and always have been; a hug from my mother when I started college was about the extent of it until more recent times. I've largely avoided any situations that would bring me closer to another individual and despite my constant yearning for a relationship, I've never been able to pursue that comfortably.

I grew up feeling like a pariah (and still do), constantly awkward and out of place in any situation. I've always been very self-conscious and unable to approach women; I could never see how anyone would ever find me attractive or worthy of the time. I've been told that I am attractive and women approach me on a regular basis, but I can't find anything in myself that I like and I usually end up coming off as cold and callous, pushing them away before there's even a chance. The only thing I have ever been confident in were my intellectual pursuits.

I've always had friends but I tend to prefer the company of a good book to most people. I feel out of place even with friends I've had for most of my semi-adult life and always find myself wishing I were elsewhere. I don't want to get attached or grow dependent and things tend to sour before too long.

I smoke a lot of weed and drink far more than I should in an attempt to cover up that constant void gnawing away at my mind, but I've never known any other way. I was an angry, volatile individual before I started smoking and it's done a lot to calm me down but the drawbacks are enormous. The only time I'm almost content with life is when I'm too stoned to give a damn.

I don't click well with my family and I rarely see them. My father was just like me even before his meth frenzy so I know it's not just the drugs but possibly some defect in the Y chromosone of our family, churning out men destined for failure. I wish I could blame him for my current situation, it would definitely make things easier, but I can't help but sympathize with the poor bastard. Life sucks and destroying your mind seems to be the only way out.

I don't know how to be happy, and as far as my family is concerned, I never have been content with anything. The one friend that I've ever been able to talk with on anything above a superficial level, and the only woman I've ever kissed, has recently become someone I'm unable to talk to in really any way without conflict.

I love her, and I feel like she's the only real friend I've ever had, but at this point in time I'm lost. I can't pursue a relationship, she deserves better than me, but I don't think I can maintain a friendship when it hurts so much to be around her. I don't know if just ending it because I can't get over it is the right thing to do, though. I feel like I'm betraying my best friend for selfish reasons.

I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this and I feel like I'm about to burst. I'm going nowhere and I can hardly muster the courage just to walk into a classroom so I can get the hell out of here and move on with my life. What do you do when you're lost and all the roads are blocked?

 

[Thelema]

Dude you have to go after her. Love is the most important thing in life.

 

[Scottish_Player]

What do you do when you're lost and all the roads are blocked?

You just keep going until you find what your looking for.

I know so much how you feel, it was a little like reading about myself, i was about 21 when i discovered i had social anxiety, before hand i was a happy shy guy that just got on with life, then i found out it had a name and i think this made things worse, it made me read about the disorder and slowly but surely i made myself fit the description. Iam not saying there was nothing wrong with me before hand, its just before i found out had a name i was happy with who i was to a certain extent, it was like this was just how i was and get on with it.

Feeling lost is a horrible feeling, but just try to focus on the positives in your life and pursue the things that make you feel good. You say you intellectual pursuits make you happy so follow these up more and take more to do with them.

There is no simple answer to your question, like you said you have been like this most your life, so it wont change over night, it will take time and its about re-educating your brain about how you want to be and act.

Dont let your dads flaws and failures bring you down, you are two diffrent people, sure you come from the same genes but you have your own mind, as long as you go on thinking that your a failure then this is how you will fell.

Thas only my share of opinions, hope it helps

 

[Snowman]

What do you do when you're lost and all the roads are blocked?

Start removing the roadblocks! You're still young and you should lay off the booze, I won't comment on the pot because I never got into it. You sound a lot like me 25 years ago and I can tell you that destroying your life with booze is not the answer.
I can't relate to women either and it's probably too late for me: habits become ingrained. But you can still turn things around. Talk to this girl and just let her see you, warts and all and if she turns on her heel and walks out, so be it! At least you will have tried! Regret is a terrible thing to live with.

Snowman