I'm in crisis right now.

[Need2StopRunning]

I don't think I'm in any danger of hurting myself (yet), but I feel like S**t and I'm in a constant state of panic, dread, fear, misery and pain.
I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't use drugs, so that's not it... but my life sucks and can't see it changing. Well, my fiacee of eight years is probably going to leave me, but that's a different story.
Sorry, I need to laugh once in a while.

I'm about to start therapy next week with two separate therapists. One is through my lousy Kaiser insurance policy and the other is with a private, community counseling center. I figure I'll use Kaiser for the medications and the private counseler for actually getting someone who cares and can help.

I'm in an absoute state of panic and deep depression and feel like I need to run away. I was actually looking for apartments outside of the area I live in that I could move into right away. It's kind of like I feel I need to leave my fiancee before she can leave me (stupid I know).
Right now she's staying with friends because she can't be around me, and I'm not sure if she's coming back.
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I'm 40 years old, don't have a college education and injured my back about ten years ago. I have absolutely no marketable skills and my anxiety keeps me from getting any. Then the depression sets in and keeps me from even trying because I know the anxiety will stop me anyway.. Kind of like "what's the use?".

I'm feeling a HUGE amount of pain becuase I know it's my fault. My fear of drugs (anti-depressants) has kept me from getting help sooner and my depression, anxiety and panic has only served to push my fiancee away.
I've become way too dependant on her and it hurts and is damn scary to think of her leaving me alone. At the same time, however, it's not fair to her and I wonder if I should just leave and let her get on with her life.

I've been dealing with this for most of my life, so this isn't a sudden onset, but I really can't remember it being this bad or serious before. I honestly don't know if I'm getting help now because of her leaving or because I'm finally realizing just how serious of a problem I really have.
(her leaving is simply a sign of how bad things are).

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[Scottish_Player]

i, sorry to hear your going through a bad time, i know how you feel. Have you tried talking with your fiance? let her know your problems and that you are getting help for them and then maybe you could work things out and still have her in your life (if thats what you want).

Keep positive for the therapy it will make a diffrence as long as you put in the effort and practice what your told, having a goal or ambition in life helps with depression, when you can see no future then you have to make one. Pets are also suppose to help with depression, i know it may not be fair to get a bet just to you get better but if you had a dog then its a reason for going out and a reason for getting up in the morning because you will have to walk him/her.

keeps us update on how the therapy goes

All the best for now
Mark

 

[Need2StopRunning]

I've never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I've got a cat already. As for my fiancee, it's been a long, tough road for her dealing with me and think she's just at the end of her wanting to try anymore.

Monday morning Kaiser, Tuesday morning private counseling. I sure hope they're OK with my seeing both of them at the same time. :?