I'm at my wits end

[shy1]

I'm a 34 s/w/m and suffer from an interpersonal type of social anxeity. I'm extremely depressed over it and hate the world because of my problems. I'll start by saying I'm very brilliant and talented in many areas. I have a few degrees and can talk with experts in many subjects. I can fix any car or repair anything in a house that is broken. I'm not trying to blow my horn, but to rather explain my strengths and weaknesses. I may have something called Aspergers syndrome, but that is another story.

At my age, I've only been on a handful of dates with women. I've never even been kissed, and I don't even have a clue as to how to meet women. I'm too scared to use internet dating services. I hate women very much, part of this is because of my very restrictive mom who I still live with. I know she meanswell for me but she brainwashed me to the extreme about the worlds evil and how to avoid being married to someone as shitty as my dad. I've never even spent a night away from home.

I don't think looks are my problem, but I dont want to eliminate any possibilites as of yet. I've been complimented about my looks - but yet I'm very insecure.

My social anxeity and and avoidance are driving me deeper into depression and hopelessness. I can't even go in public anymore because I see people socializing, holding hands, loving while I live in my unreal world that is collapsing on me. I recently attributed my social problems to my weight(I'm 5'11' 168#) and I'm starving myself to become more attractive. I'm down to 155 now. I hate myself very much.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

welcome shy1, sorry life's not so hot lately!

first of all, i can tell from your weight and height that you're not overweight and you don't ahve to worry about that! you're a healthy weight, please don't starve yourself. plus, "diets" like that don't last and you'll only gain the weight again and then you'll be back back where you started.

before you can be with someone else, you've GOT to be at peace with yourself inside. i've always heard that one of the most attractive characteristics a guy can have is confidence, knowing what he wants, where he's going, etc.

and you have that inside! you know you're intelligent and well-rounded. you've made something of yourself. but i encourage you to show confidence. you shouldn't hate yourself.

i don't really know what to say about your mom, or the situation you're in, but all i can say is if you're going to deal with your SA, you've got to take baby steps. try something new, step outside your comfort zone.

I'm not familiar with Aspergers syndrome, care to inform me? i could look it up but i'd like to hear it from you

 

[shy1]

Thanks for caring.

Aspergers syndrome (AS) is a form of high function autism. It is characterized by a very impaired social learning curve. It is both a blessing and a curse. One aspect about Aspergers is the inability to read subtle facial cues off another person. I still can't understand what flirting is. Someone smiling at me is always interpeted as making fun of me.

Aspergers also causes you to focus on arcane areas of knowledge. Examples can include cars, medevial history or volcanoes. For example, I can guess just about anything wrong with a car just by taking a testdrive. Also, AS causes you to have intense focus on parts of things, and I could easily repair the problem too. I've never worked as a mechanic, but my mind sets an intense focus on a certain (stupid) subject and I'll become an expert in it. If I go on a date I'll get into a discussion about cars and turn her off.

AS also manifests itself as social anxeity issues, Attention deficit disorder and OCD. I suffer from those problems as well. Unfortunately, due to the autistic nature, it is very difficult to cure this problem .

The last girl I talked to told me if I never got kissed by 34 I should jump off a bridge

 

[Chilling__Echo]

ah i understand now, i see how that can be really tough.

i think it's easy to get caught up in what people see on tv and the internet - that guys should be makin girls melt and getting laid every night. or that they should be able to go up to any chick and ask her out, etc.

realistically speaking, it's not like that. however, finding a way to get out and socialize would help as would using the internet.

i've found that www.myspace.com is a good place to meet people but it's sole purpose isn't for dating so there's no pressure.

but like i say, i think there's alot of people that are in the same shoes as you are, it's just not socially acceptable to "admit" it. but you're doing the best you can.

do you have friends you can go out with? networking is a good way, and eventually, i think the more you try dating and such, taking it SLOW, you'll learn how women flirt and such. try and imagine if you were in the other person's shoes. ask youself, "do they have a reason to laugh at me" for instance if you think they're laughing at you etc.

i hope this helps some, but keep your spirits up, you seem to have adapted to the cards you've been delt. there's someone out there for everyone, you've just got to know where to look.

what does your mom think of you dating and going out? you mentioned she was a bit overbearing

 

[shy1]

My mom seems to encourage me to date, and even goes to the point of trying to find women. It seems though women have to meet her standards, which are probably unrealistic in this day and age. I should probably move out, but I'm probably too co-dependent on my stitation. My dad was always aloof and cruel in a very suble way, so that may have had some impact on my situation.

I don't have any friends, and I have no skills how to meet them. I have no conception of what friendship or a relationship is. My mom has been discouraging me from online dating, she believes it is dangerous and not worth the risk. She is probably right for someone with my issues.

I wish it were that simple, but people with AS have no ability to read between the lines when the situation comes up. When the girl does smile at me, I will misread the message for about 1 min. Also, I REALLY have to be careful what I say, because AS causes you to say things that are inappropriate and you do not mean. I lost jobs over it. It is technically possbile to get disablity with AS, it is considered a handicap.

ah i understand now, i see how that can be really tough.

i think it's easy to get caught up in what people see on tv and the internet - that guys should be makin girls melt and getting laid every night. or that they should be able to go up to any chick and ask her out, etc.

realistically speaking, it's not like that. however, finding a way to get out and socialize would help as would using the internet.

i've found that www.myspace.com is a good place to meet people but it's sole purpose isn't for dating so there's no pressure.

but like i say, i think there's alot of people that are in the same shoes as you are, it's just not socially acceptable to "admit" it. but you're doing the best you can.

do you have friends you can go out with? networking is a good way, and eventually, i think the more you try dating and such, taking it SLOW, you'll learn how women flirt and such. try and imagine if you were in the other person's shoes. ask youself, "do they have a reason to laugh at me" for instance if you think they're laughing at you etc.

i hope this helps some, but keep your spirits up, you seem to have adapted to the cards you've been delt. there's someone out there for everyone, you've just got to know where to look.

what does your mom think of you dating and going out? you mentioned she was a bit overbearing

 

[Chilling__Echo]

wow i see, well you have that awareness of yourself, you know? and online dating is only dangerous if you're not careful. so far i've met two people off the internet and both were good experiences.

i encourage you to get involved. i've hda the best experiences with volunteering, i chose an animal shelter. find a place where people share your intrests - you certainly have something to say since you're so intelligent

 

[Chilling__Echo]

also i think everyone is capable of finding and keeping friends. you jsut have to believe it yourself already you seem like a great guy online!

you can't convince yourself that you'll say something you shouldn't or misinterpret everything. are there any support groups around? plus, if you explain yourself beforehand people might be more understanding.

 

[shy1]

The volunteer thing sounds like a great idea- I also love cats so an animal shelter may be a good idea.

Oh, I also have a very low self confidence, so that goes with the territory. Do you think telling people you have aspegers would be a good thing? Is it better to just look stupid sometimes?

 

[Zipper]

man, that rilly suks! I kant beleeve that bich of a muver you hav. Do yoo ever git angry at her and tel her of? I think I wud not be abul to holt bak. Did your dad have Asperger's Disorder as will? He seems like a perfict sadist -- he probubly haited hisself to.

 

[shy1]

My dad has aspergers and is too complex to describe. At least my mom means well.

man, that rilly suks! I kant beleeve that bich of a muver you hav. Do yoo ever git angry at her and tel her of? I think I wud not be abul to holt bak. Did your dad have Asperger's Disorder as will? He seems like a perfict sadist -- he probubly haited hisself to.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hm, well i'd say that if anything came up to explain yourself. i think it would deffinately be benifitial.

but deffinately volunteer, it's very rewarding!

 

[Chilling__Echo]

well said

 

[Zwang]

One aspect about Aspergers is the inability to read subtle facial cues off another person. I still can't understand what flirting is. Someone smiling at me is always interpeted as making fun of me.

Hey mate, thanks for the good decribtion of your problems. It was very valuable for me to understand Aspergers syndrome better.

As you didn`t post a happy end I asume you are still searching for information? You said you like studying, o.k. I give you some books to look into: Concerning people being 'co-dependent' check out the books by Anne Wilson Schaef. She seems to be an 80ies women activist but strong people have strong ideas. She writes a lot on co-dependent people and sums this up very precisely.

Some other aspects: Search on the internet for the author and therapist Paul Watzlawick (and Gregory Bateson). He was researching at the Mental Research Institute, Palo Alto. Check out his ideas on 'Double binds'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind