5 day training course? That makes me anxious just thinking about that. Thanks for the comments blackcap. Don't you think its a ridiculous fear? I mean it is an irrational fear in reality because I am sure you will agree that you can speak and are of decent intelligence to think of something to say, yet this is the world's most common fear. Its all in the mind, to be able to speak fine and confidently when you are reading a book out loud when you are by yourself or around friends or family, but when you replace that situation with 20 or 30 people you all of a sudden have a huge fear, its ridiculous, it surely can be put right - if you address the fears behind it.
You are right its one day, but at the moment I don't believe I can do it because of the fears that I have developed over public speaking, if I can get myself into the right frame of mind that yeah I can do it (because in reality I should be able to do it as I can speak and I have a brain which is all you need, I just need to sort these negative beliefs out) then I would put myself into the situation.
When I first started in my job we had to go on an induction day with 25 other new starters. I didn't know there would be any public speaking. But immediately we sat around a huge table and were told to go around the circle and stand up and introduce ourselves and say a bit about ourselves. I just had panic attacks immediately, I was crapping myself so much, I was like counting down how many people it was to my turn and when it came to my turn I couldn't get my words out, I was shaking, it was just awful. I managed to speak in like the most trembly shakey voice ever and had to do deep swallowing some 10 times - even though I only had to speak for about 30 seconds. After that was over I thought thank god for that, at least that is the worst over. But it wasn't, we were told in the afternoon we would all go to a department, learn about what they do and then come back and do a presentation. I was just having panic attacks on hearing this, I had to go to the toilet where I just couldn't stop being sick, I was in a terrible state. I ended up going to the pub at lunch time, I kept throwing up in the toilets there too, but I managed to drink enough vodka that when I came back I was fine and was able to do the presentation. I volunteered to do mine first because I didn't want the alcohol to wear off and I knew others would be more focused on their own speech to be paying full attention to mine. I had to a crappy talk about a department which no one gave a toss about. I tried to make it a bit better by doing it in a quiz type as that also would get attention off me and some moron shouted out 'We don't care'. (Did he think I cared? I couldn't give a shit about the stuff, but I had to do a talk on it). I was so relieved to get it over. I realise my fears here are extreme. Amazingly I was brilliant at talking to groups up until I was about 13, I loved speaking in front of class and reading my stories out, but back then I didn't have any of the negative beliefs or fears attached to speaking out loud.
I had some terrible experiences - I got ridiculed over a speech impediment and so many people teased me, ridiculed me, repeated what I said and be laughing and writing how I said words on the blackboard and just making me feel like a freak. People would come up to me and tell me to say a word I cannot say and if I didn't say it they would beat me up and then they would just laugh out loud when I said the word.
I hated even saying my name because I got ridiculed for that. I hated the thought of public speaking from then on because I just knew people would laugh at me for saying words wrong and indeed things went awful - in a presentation I just went to pieces, shaking so much, I couldn't get my words out, everyone was looking at me and I just couldn't do it. I then had to read out loud in class soon afterwards and went to pieces again. My speech impediment was overcome soon after but again doing a presentation at college when I no longer feared speech impediment, but I feared I couldn't do it, well again I went to pieces, the fear was so extreme. I then avoided such situations and just got drunk which would work. I remember once drinking a 350ml bottle of vodka beforehand and I was given the highest grade in the whole class for my presentation. If I can get rid of the nerves/anxiety I can do brilliantly, I add humour and can make things interesting. But even though I have been in situations since such as training courses, it didn't help whatsoever, the fear is so extreme.
This is why I simply have to sort out the fear and the negative beliefs behind it before I start even considering putting myself in such situations.
When I think of public speaking I think of those presentations and reading out loud immediately, and these were half my life ago. That is not right!
Its amazing how speaking is so natural, I can speak fine and confidently in so many situations but I am completely traumatised by this fear, yet I see people on tv do it all the time and its like no big deal whatsoever, its just something I need to completely address and analyse.
So, today I am going to spend the whole day aiming to sort this out. I know I will not cure the fear completely, but I am hoping I can put to bed these ridiculously negative terrible fears and aim to wipe the slate clean. I need to see speaking in a very different way! I will write later today on how I get on.
