Some really interesting replies, it does seem like those who have suffered with put downs and negative feedback over a prolonged period of time really do get effected by it.
The reason I asked this question is because I kind of think that I have kind of misinterpreted all the ridicule, put downs, which I suffered for many many years as a teenager on a daily basis, and I have been so focused on believing one side to this that I have totally overlooked another side to it.
I was ridicule for how I looked - i.e. weight (being skinny), features in my appearance and speech impediment. I suffered so much of it that it just changed the way I saw myself completely from being decent and good enough to being someone who is just so ugly and crap.
I got so self conscious of my 'flaws' due to negative feedback, name calling, put downs, etc that I felt so negatively myself on my flaws believing they were to blame for why people think so negatively of me. I became so self conscious that I would try hide my flaws or avoid people seeing my flaws and I was so insecure worrying about people seeing my flaws incase they think or say what so many others have said.
That sounds fine and perfectly true. But, actually there is something I did not consider or attempt correcting - that I felt so inadequate, so not good enough, that when it comes to looks I must be really ugly to always get negatively judged, I believed I could only be judge negatively and that I simply am just not good enough for anyone to ever think I am ok. These beliefs were not addressed or thought of. Was it right I should think so terrible of myself thinking I am just so crap, so inadequate, that I am just not good enough? Well it was wrong, these people who were so horrible to me wanted to put me down, they weren't giving a proper assessment of my good and bad, they just picked anything about me which was noticable like my speech impediment (which has now gone) and anything in my appearance they could be mean to me about and they made me feel like crap for it. But I could have looked like most kids and they would have slated me for how I looked - if I was skinny or fat, if I was tall or short, if I had goofy teeth, if I wore glasses, if I had spots, if I had big earss, nose, chin, if I had curly hair, if I wore braces, wore bad clothes, etc. Basically I would have got that same treatment no matter how I looked. And this ties in that I was looking at people where I work and although I accept everyone as being fine and good enough, I would still be so self conscious if I looked like them - simply because of how I have been made to feel - that having flaws in myself means people will not accept me as being good enough.
There is also a problem that I have believed everyone judges me negatively, people only see the worst in me and I believed everyone is so shallow and looks orientated because of all the negatives people said about my looks, I only thought this way because of what I experienced. But is this fair and true because of how I suffered? Again no, because I am basing this judgement on the bastards who always put me down and made me feel crap, even they may not have been intending to make me feel like I was so ugly, they may have just wanted to pick out my flaws to show off to their friends, make themselves feel better, wanted to make me feel bad. So again another thinking pattern that went to pot.
It also explains why I feel so self conscious about 'flaws' and am so critical of myself - even if they are not flaws I was ridiculed for, but if I feel anything about me is a flaw - i.e. if I do something wrong or if I have a spot or bad hair day it explains why I feel so self conscious and negative about myself, because past experience has shown me people find fault with any faults in me. Is that fair? No! We all have faults, no one is perfect, but people are not slated for it. If it was true then people would be ridiculing everyone and critical of people's looks, but I can tell from others when I take myself out of a situation, that people don't look at each other like that.
I think all in all, this whole experience of name calling, ridicule, put downs, teasing, insults, etc - the biggest impact it has had on me is that it made me believe I am simply not good enough. I was so confident and had high opinion of myself before all of that.
It would appear therefore that my self consciousness over my appearance is very very unfair and the fact I wouldn't accept myself if I had any visible flaws is just wrong. This has to be addressed, I am living life believing I am like believing I am a freak just because I have a few flaws, but its human nature to have flaws, no one is perfect. I have to change these beliefs that everyone is so judgemental and is critical of me, I have to change believing I am simply inadequate and not good enough which I described. These things simply have to be corrected if I am to have confidence in myself, rather than previously me believing I had to desensitise my flaws, but that will not work, its not my flaws that are the problem here.
The plan is once I gain confidence in myself and to not be self conscious and thinking of myself in such a negative, inadequate, inferior way to people, I will automatically be a million times more confident, I will not be doubting myself, will not be self aware, focusing on my flaws, I will hopefully start accepting myself and liking who I am properly, gaining a higher opinion of myself.
Then once I feel I have done that I can work on my other problems that have developed purely from avoidance because of how I felt about myself.
I believe a lot of people will not be able to relate to what I say, but I am sure some will. The thinking patterns that have developed definitely in my opinion need to be tracked back to their roots and totally analysed and understood as to why it was wrong and in place of that a new way of seeing the whole wider picture from the start with the aim of keep understanding and working on why the current beliefs are wrong and why a new way of thinking is right. It will take work but I am very positive these can be overcome. But before - how could they be overcome when I didn't know what needed correcting.
