I wrote down my symptoms

[SocialRetahd]

I wrote down everything that I was feeling during my panick attack but let them in my car. So here is what I remember.

Physical: I have a strong pain in stomach; feels like I am squeezing the muscles because I percieve a threat. I try to fix this and relax, but feel scared. I feel like I have to be prepared for some kind of attack.

I know, obvious stuff. I was wondering that if I build my abdominal muscles, than maybe the pain in my stomach won't feel so bad.

Thoughts:
*I am inferior to these people.
*I am retarded.
*These are people with lives, I am nothing.
*These people could hurt me if I say the wrong thing to them.
*These people are accomplished.
*These people might take my awkwardness for stupidity.

Most importantly, everything I do outside of my little world is written on a permanent script in my life. I have to make sure that my life runs well, with little fuck ups. I feel like someone is always watching me (not schitzo).

I think the best thing for me to improve would be to build up my intelligence, wit, and skills in defense, so I won't be so affraid of an event where I have to defend myself. If I feel superior, than I will no longer need these people in any way.

Do you think this is a rational idea?

 

[loserinamailbox]

No. Your goal should be to be happy with who you already are. Changing yourself in those ways is not going to make your SA much better at all if your confidence stays at the same level..

 

[Jacky1980]

Hi, socialretahd
As for your physical symptom, it is most probably caused by your mental illness, so if you recover from your mental problem, it will soon disappear. you can go to a doctor for a check-up too see if there is any physical factor ralated.

as for your negative thoughts, i assure you that you can not change them at all by pure thinking. you cannot sit there, you must take action, leave these thought as they are in your heart, do not consciously try to look for a method to dispel them, they cannot be forcibly wiped out. You must attend the social situation you are alwasy scared of but always desire, don't expect a perfect result, long practice will give you the confidence, and the confidence will naturally wipe out the negative thoughts and raise your low self-esteem.

 

[SocialRetahd]

Well when I "put myself out there", I feel confident for a short while, but it doesn't last. I'm thinking of ways to lessen the blow, when I do finally build up the confidence.

The only reason I have SP, the only reason anyone does, is that they feel inferior in some way. Otherwise, whats there to be affraid of? And why is it so important to win the acceptance of these people?

 

[random]

I think the best thing for me to improve would be to build up my intelligence, wit, and skills in defense, so I won't be so affraid of an event where I have to defend myself. If I feel superior, than I will no longer need these people in any way.

SocialRetahd,
I believe that you are already intelligent, witty, and have skills. I once was thinking hard about how stupid I felt and why...and what I could do to stop feeling stupid. Then I realized that I had a friend who was not educated - she actually couldn't read or write because she always avoided trying hard at anything. SHe couldn't follow conversation that was fast - she'd ask us to slow down. But - she was one of us, one our friends. SHe was kind and fun and we looked forward to laughing and having a good time with her. She shared our interests (movies, boys, music, art) I realized that technically I had acheived more in terms of education (college) and could do things she couldn't do but it didn't make me feel superior (because I am not), it didn't make me mistreat her (like some people treat me), it flat just didn't matter that their was this noticable education difference between us. I'd never even think of calling her stupid - how cruel and pointless and....well wrong - she's not stupid. THe very word 'stupid' was created from the beginning as an insult that means "I want to hurt your feelings by calling you this rotten name" instead of just being a description of a person. In any room full of people there are guaranteed to be people smarter, wittier than I am - but that doesn't give them the right to mistreat me and I should not have to fear them. There may be less intelligent people in the room (hey...I guess that could happen) but they deserve to be treated with the same consideration and kindness as everyone else.
What really draws me to people is their warmth as humans, how they treat people, what they value, their interests, etc....
I don't believe there is anything inferior about you that you need to build up. I believe you need to realize that you were good enough to be treated well all along. You may not have been treated well by others - you may have good reason to fear others up until now. But you can learn to deal with abusive people and you can learn that you are good, worthwhile, and you always were. I am learning these things and my fear of people is decreasing. Really.