I want your opinion!

[TiredandUnhappy]

I'm a 28 year old male who has been deeply depressed for the last 10 years. I have suicidal thoughts daily and I simply cannot find joy in life anymore. I have very low self esteem and more recently I have been investigating to determine the root of my problems (which I kinda always knew). I determined that back in my teens I had a adult in my life who by many was considered gay and I was not aware he was at the time; however he was a macho guy who did not fit the stereotypical gay and I looked up to him. He began to do things that were inappropriate to me (i.e. kissing me on the head, hugging me in weird ways in which he would grind his genitals against me, asking me inappropriate questions at the urinals like 'do you ever look down at the person next to you?', and in one instance i remember his fondling his genitals with his hand and sticking his fingers in my mouth while I was lifting weights). I would feel really uncomfortable in all these situations, but I would just shrug it off and pretend it didn't happen and try to keep my distance from him. During this time frame I began to get teased by peers and they would say that I was his little boy and they would make remarks implying that I was gay cause I associated with him, calling me his 'little *****'. I grew to resent him and suddenly I found myself acting very defensive when I was called a 'gay' or 'fag'; Even though my closer friends may have been joking, I could no longer distinguish if they were joking or not. I eventually cut all ties with my friends, cause I could not handle to talk about anything that questioned my sexual orientation. I have been friendless ever since, afraid to get close to people. I have been in three long term relationships with females since, and I love the girl I am with now and would love to marry her and have children. But I'm afraid my inability to be happy will ultimately destroy our relationship. I need to know if what I am experiencing is H-OCD, I just heard the term for the first time today and when I started reading people's stories, it felt EXACTLY like what I was feeling (it hit the nail right on the head, I honestly thought I was the only person out there that felt this way).

I have always had crushes on girls growing up, although I was really shy and had difficulty asking girls out. My friends started throwing the word 'fag' around and because I was a virgin at 19 I started to wonder if it was true. With this added pressure, I suddenly went on this tear to lose my virginity as quickly as possible. I started to pursue girls who were easy and who I didn't have any interest in at all. My first sexual experience was so embarrassing as I could not even get an erection and just caused me to start thinking that was gayer.I finally did lose my virginity at 19 but it didn't change the insecurities I had. I couldn't handle the words of my friends and I eventually severed all ties with them. Ever since my confidence has been at an all time low, and if I don't fix it I'm not sure what my future holds.

I recall back in my teens doing odd things like if I would walk down the sidewalk, I would tell myself I was gay if I stepped on a crack, or your gay if you walk on a manhole in the street, or when playing basketball I was gay for not making a particular basket. If I stepped on that crack, or stepped on that manhole, or missed that basket, I would feel extremely depressed. This behavior went on for some time in various different forms.

I'm not attracted to men, I find myself however constantly comparing myself to other men to see how I compare. It feels no matter what I do, I will never be macho/manly enough for my standards. And by no means am I a feminine guy at all, I just have zero confidence. I can never give myself credit for anything (all aspects of my life). I love a woman's body and touch, but as much as I know that, I continuously have this voice in my head questioning myself.

I find myself calling myself gay for things like:
-preferring man on woman porn versus woman on woman porn.
-for not being able to get and erection for my girlfriend again shortly after having sex (I know there is a refractory period, but it seems like a real man would be able to do it)
-not wanting to get get changed in front of people at the gym

Over the last 10 years I have picked up a horrific gambling problem, losing upto $17,000 in one night alone, resulting in me having to sell my brand new car to pay the debt. I feel this gambling has some relation to the depression I am experiencing. It feels like I want to lose to experience a more deeper pain to take my mind of the actual pain I feel.

I have great difficulty discussing about the topic of gays. The reason I am writing this is because of an incident from last night. We were at a club last night and my gf went to the bathroom, while she was gone a guy we knew sat in her seat next to me. One of our friends in a joking way says 'what has your taste changed in the last 5 minutes?(laughs)'. And I suddenly get really defensive and nervous and don't know how to respond. The crowd at the table noticeably see that i'm nervous, and instantly I get very depressed. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just go out and have a good time and not worry about weather someone is gonna call me a 'fag' or imply i'm gay. I just can't take a joke it seems.

I need to get my life back, I hear people committing suicide and I can't not help think that that's ultimately the road I am currently traveling. I need expert advice to sort out these feelings I am having. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello there,

I was reading your story is very long but i see you are obssesed with thoughts being gay or no being gay. The reason why this everything start is simple. U was shy and not able protect your self,you was feeling lonely in time what u was frend with your *gay frend*
u couldnt defend your self because u was afraid being alone i think and if u woul avoid him u fast scared propably u will insult him. I think u wanted just be nice to him and take him how he is. As i see later everything turned against u. Your frends start silly joking and provocating u. No wonder u couldnt take it those jokes. Who will wanna be called something who he really isnt. I think u did good think that u stop talking to them because they was psychic teasing u and those people dont deserve be your frends. They wasnt never real frends!

Im sorry to hear that u start be later obssesed and confused with your self. U just didnt had confindence and this was your prise for it to pay with pain being hurted. I think u tend have really OCD. Do you was trying talking about it to someone? I alone too dont have sense of those humor. I was too psychic teased in school for calling me lesbian i was really sad about it but i was going trought. I never was up to girls but this silly boys in my class just call me that for funn coz i had one close frend and we was all the time everywhere together but we was just frends. I know is hard forgot about it and let it go past. Now u are in future and u have girl what u love. Try concentrate only what u do now not what was before. I guess is very hard. By me also. Try maybe in your locality find some group what had and have similar issues! Will be nice if u could talk with them about it and let set free your worries who u really are. I believe u know it but u just look to much reward because u was hurted. Easy is write advice worse is practice/ Try maybe join some club,do some activity that u dont think so much about your past.

 

[riley]

hey im sorry to hear about what you went through and i think you should see a therapist

 

[Bustn Justin]

Hey man, I am so sorry about how the way people perceive you. I think you need help to stop worrying about if people think you are gay or not. BTW you are in a serious relationship with a girl so other people around you should realize you are straight.