i want to end my own life.

[butterfly_girl]

Hi, i'm new I'm a 20yr old girl with a lot going for her apart from the fact that I think I suffer from sp.

I think its getting worse and worse by the day to the point where sometimes i'd rather hide in my bedroom than face the world.

I cant be myself infront of anyone. not my true self anyway, i can only be myself with my best friend, my mum and my sister.

i dont have any friends at work i sit alone at lunch and people must think im weird. i dont make jokes or attempt to make conversation for fear of judgement. i got bullied at school and had some nasty so-called friends who made fun of the way i laughed or spoke, and it made me paranoid so i am never the 'real' me anymore.

now its so bad that when i walk down the street i think everyone is looking at me. i find it hard to make eye contact with people.

if i am at univercity talking with my best friend, i cant relax cos i always think someone is looking at me.

i cant eat infront of people. i am too embaressed.

i have a crap life, no partner, no social life, all because im too bothered about what people think.

the only time i have a breath of confidence is sometimes when im on my period, and a hormone kicks in and i feel different, or if im delerious from no sleep, or if im drunk. obviously i cant live like that.

im not really really shy or anything, i can talk with certain people, although im not really outgoing, i just cant relax or truly be myself, and i avoid going to parties or social events.

lately i havent gone to work as ive been too afraid of going out and ive been getting up really late which has made me more depressed and got me out of the feel of going out.

im sick of this and i want to end my own life. im going to drink a whole bottle of gin and as many pills as i cannot take living like this anymore.

please help.

 

[scatmantom]

plz dont do anything rash!

There is help out there, get on the phone to the samaritans or something. There really is alot to live for even if you think at the moment theres nothing but sadness. Think of the effect this could have on your family and friends.

 

[silverwolf]

You sound like me I got to this point a few times. Don't quit now pain makes us stronger and when we conquer these problems which CAN BE CONQUERED you will come out of it as a bigger person. Just hold on be patient and be strong.

 

[Zipper]

Hang in there!

If you are ready to take drastic measures, then take some in a positive direction (or at least a different direction). Change your hairstyle, get loud new clothes, get an edgy boyfriend, turn over a new leaf. Do things that you imagine to be SOCIAL craziness, and you will move away from depression. Tell people off, yell, be loud, insulting, just learn to be comfortable in your own skin by doing all the things you were afraid of doing. There is a happy median that you can return to in a couple years. In the meantime, break out!

Things are going to turn out great!

 

[DemonDayz]

You shouldn't do this, and I believe you know you shouldn't, simply because you posted here looking for help. Your more rational then this, realize that this is not the way out! Your phobia can be conquered. There are people who care about you (your family and friends), and even people you don't even know care (like us!).

Please be safe.
-- DemonDayz

 

[butterfly_girl]

ok ive calmed down now, and thought things through and taken in what you all have said, and ive realised i do not want to do anything silly. i do not want to hurt my family.

i just feel like ive hit rock bottom.

I was particularly inspired by what zipper had to say. i wish with all my heart i could change into 'that' person. im just too afraid to take that step but its the one thing i want to do. have you been here? did you do these things? you sound really inspirational. would it be possible to talk to you over msn messanger or just exchange emails?

Ive hit the point where im sick of this life and want to change. its either change now or die and i dont want to die.

 

[Zipper]

Would it be possible to talk to you over msn messanger or just exchange emails?

Sure! I love to encourage other people, and I have spoken with tons of people who hit snags in their lives, so I'd be happy to e-mail. Let me know where I can write you (I don't know about msn messenger).

-- Zippity.

 

[SilentOutlaw]

Never give up on life. No matter how hard it gets, there is always a chance that something positive will happen and change your life for the best. If you die, then you will be gone possibly forever (depending on your beliefs), and it only causes tragedy and sadness for your family and friends. Where as if you stick with it and keep trying there are endless positive opportunities to strive for. Hope you can overcome these low depressing feelings and keep working towards positive changes in your life. Good luck and never give up.

 

[Primus]

well its a good thing youve hit rock bottom, because it all gets better from here trust me.

i can only give advice on what has worked for me: excersize

run, workout, eat right, force yourself to smile and it will put you in a better mood. try it, force a smile and you feel alittle bit better.

 

[butterfly_girl]

thanks all for your support and encouraging words.

i am so glad to of found a place where i can vent my anger and emotions. and its great to feel i am not alone.

zipper my email is [email protected]. i would love for you to encourage me and love to chat etc.

thank you x x x x

 

[newshyguy]

.

girl dont worry this feeling is gona go away, try to hang on
meanwhile listen to some 2pac or something and laylow if you want to
thats what i did when i felt depressed,
grab strength from anywhere and you will see the tomorrow will be a happier day

much
love.
dont hurt your self
if you feel like crying , cry
but dont lose hope , aight cheer up now

 

[StealThis]

Hang in there!

If you are ready to take drastic measures, then take some in a positive direction (or at least a different direction). Change your hairstyle, get loud new clothes, get an edgy boyfriend, turn over a new leaf. Do things that you imagine to be SOCIAL craziness, and you will move away from depression. Tell people off, yell, be loud, insulting, just learn to be comfortable in your own skin by doing all the things you were afraid of doing. There is a happy median that you can return to in a couple years. In the meantime, break out!

Things are going to turn out great!

Its really funny that you would mention this because When i'm feeling really down and like I can't relate to people I often do stuff like this. I have shaved my head, gotten various piercings, worn funky sunglasses, etc.. It does help I must admit. I've been tempted several times to get a tattoo but haven't gotten to that point yet :lol:

 

[pitkreet]

Hi butterfly_girl,

I can relate to everything that you have said.

One good sign is when you said

...i can only be myself with my best friend, my mum and my sister.

It shows that you do have perfectly normal social skills and are able to interact with people, you just lose confidence around people that you do not feel "safe" with.

Bascially, you need to work on increasing your social confidence. When you feel confident, you will realise that your worries were irrational and they will fall away.