HusbandOfOCDWife
New member
Hi,
I hope someone can help me. I really need some advice.
I think my wife has OCD and I don’t know what to do about it.
We’re both in our late 30’s and we’ve been married for 4 ½ years. We don’t have any kids yet, though we’re hoping to. We went through a miscarriage last year, and that was very hard on us.
Looking back, I think her OCD tendencies have always been there, ever since we started dating almost 6 years ago. But it’s gotten worse lately and I’m finding it very hard to live with. I’ve have daydreams about divorce and being able to lead a “normal” life. But on the other hand, I know that I would have an incredibly hard time leaving her and the idea of hurting her like that is more than I can bear. And despite it all, I do love her very much.
Here are some of the things she does or insists on:
When we first got married, I would usually to go to bed without showering (I showered in the mornings) and I was allowed to sleep naked, which I sometimes liked to do.
After a little while, since I had allergies, she suggested that I start showering at night, since she had heard that allergens from the hair get on the pillow. So we both started showering at night and it soon became a rule. These days, if I would even sit down on the bed without showering, even in my underwear, the sheets and blankets would have to be washed. I can’t take a nap in my bed on a weekend afternoon without showering first.
I used to sleep naked sometimes. Last year, she told me that I couldn’t do that anymore. She felt that sitting on the toilet seat would somehow impart germs to the bedsheets when I got back into bed.
Mind you, we have 2 beds, rather than sharing a bed. But since we might cuddle or something, I have to maintain her level of cleanliness.
Once we are ready for bed, we have to be careful how we walk. If we accidentally brush against a dresser, or the wall, she insists we change our pajamas. One of her biggest concerns is whether something “clean” brushed against something “dirty”
I can’t even brush against the box spring of the bed, because that’s not covered by a sheet like the mattress is.
When we’re going to sleep at night, if I’m going to turn out the light switch, she insists on my using a clean tissue so that I won’t touch the switch. I also can’t touch the TV remote without using a tissue over it.
Every week or so, she wipes out the washing machine & dryer with disinfectant wipes. If, after she does the laundry, a piece of it brushes against her clothes or against the outside of the washing machine or dryer, it must be washed again.
Speaking of laundry, that is one of the biggest chores of our lives. She is constantly throwing things into the laundry, things that are relatively clean. We’re 2 adults with no children, but I think we do more laundry than your average family of 6.
She likes to wear hats. But those hats must be wiped down with disinfectant wipes after every use and placed in clear plastic bags.
She insists on wiping down all the surfaces in the kitchen on a regular basis. If something “dirty” touches something “clean” in the kitchen, the formerly clean item has to be wiped down.
We used to just put the groceries away in the fridge and cabinet after a shopping trip. In the last few months, she’s begun wiping down everything before putting it away.
She has eczema. I’ve begun to wonder if it’s simply from all the hand washing after she touches anything in the “dirty” category.
I typically wash an apple before eating it. It takes me about 15-20 seconds. She washes her apples for about 1-2 minutes.
When we’re eating, we often watch TV. As with the bedroom TV, neither of us is allowed to touch the remote without using a tissue, for fear we might contaminate the food.
There was a fly in our kitchen a few weeks ago. We had some plastic disposable cups and some paper plates stacked on the counter, both face down. She insisted on throwing away the top cup and plate, in case the fly landed on them. Since then, she never takes the top cup or plate but keeps them on top to protect the clean ones beneath.
That’s just a drop in the bucket in the cleanliness realm, but it’s getting harder & harder to deal with.
She has a lot of other irrational fears as well. If she thinks that the curtain might have parted slightly while she was getting dressed, she gets into a funk for hours, worrying that someone on the street might have seen her. Our bedroom is on the 2nd floor and we have Venetian blinds behind the curtains.
After coming home from church, she obsesses over something someone said to her, worrying that it meant that the person was annoyed with her.
I don’t know if this is an OCD thing, but she has more clothes than any one person should ever need. She loves looking at catalogs and her purchases put a strain on our finances.
We have so much other stuff as well. We moved recently. I was packing up our basement and I found huge bags full of shopping bags. I found old zip-lok bags tied together for future use. I found boxes of the thin paper and cardboard that comes with her catalog orders, saved for I have no idea what. There was a box of empty small plastic containers from cleansing wipes.
I’m at a loss to understand how keeping EVERYTHING is compatible with keeping everything clean, but she divides things up, and we have our “clean” areas and our “not clean” areas.
The thing is, the term “OCD” has never passed between us. I’ve been thinking it for a while, but I don’t know how she’s react. She’s incredibly sensitive, and that’s one of the problems. I never know what mood she’s going to be in and have to tiptoe around her feelings sometimes.
I don’t think she’s aware she has OCD. For that matter, I’m not 100% sure she does have it. But the stuff she does seems to be very similar to what I’ve been reading on this site.
She watches me like a hawk sometimes, constantly watching me to make sure I didn’t brush clean things against dirty things, and constantly asking me if I did.
It’s putting a real strain on our relationship, but I don’t know if she realizes how much. If we have a fight about any of this stuff, we always make up and all is right in her world (at least for the moment.)
I know what I am to her. I am her bedrock in a scary world, and her protector. I’m not being vain. She is nervous and scared about so many things in the world and is constantly seeking my reassurance. I think if I left her it would devastate her. The pain I would feel upon doing that to her would be devastating to me. For my part, I would miss her horribly but I think I would be able to get back on with my life.
I don’t even know how to broach the topic of her OCD with her. I think she would feel it was a betrayal. It would hurt her deeply.
I guess I have 2 questions:
1) Based on what I’ve written, does it sound like she has OCD?
2) How do I raise the subject with her in a constructive way?
Any advice would be appreciated. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this and really could use some advice.
Thanks.
I hope someone can help me. I really need some advice.
I think my wife has OCD and I don’t know what to do about it.
We’re both in our late 30’s and we’ve been married for 4 ½ years. We don’t have any kids yet, though we’re hoping to. We went through a miscarriage last year, and that was very hard on us.
Looking back, I think her OCD tendencies have always been there, ever since we started dating almost 6 years ago. But it’s gotten worse lately and I’m finding it very hard to live with. I’ve have daydreams about divorce and being able to lead a “normal” life. But on the other hand, I know that I would have an incredibly hard time leaving her and the idea of hurting her like that is more than I can bear. And despite it all, I do love her very much.
Here are some of the things she does or insists on:
When we first got married, I would usually to go to bed without showering (I showered in the mornings) and I was allowed to sleep naked, which I sometimes liked to do.
After a little while, since I had allergies, she suggested that I start showering at night, since she had heard that allergens from the hair get on the pillow. So we both started showering at night and it soon became a rule. These days, if I would even sit down on the bed without showering, even in my underwear, the sheets and blankets would have to be washed. I can’t take a nap in my bed on a weekend afternoon without showering first.
I used to sleep naked sometimes. Last year, she told me that I couldn’t do that anymore. She felt that sitting on the toilet seat would somehow impart germs to the bedsheets when I got back into bed.
Mind you, we have 2 beds, rather than sharing a bed. But since we might cuddle or something, I have to maintain her level of cleanliness.
Once we are ready for bed, we have to be careful how we walk. If we accidentally brush against a dresser, or the wall, she insists we change our pajamas. One of her biggest concerns is whether something “clean” brushed against something “dirty”
I can’t even brush against the box spring of the bed, because that’s not covered by a sheet like the mattress is.
When we’re going to sleep at night, if I’m going to turn out the light switch, she insists on my using a clean tissue so that I won’t touch the switch. I also can’t touch the TV remote without using a tissue over it.
Every week or so, she wipes out the washing machine & dryer with disinfectant wipes. If, after she does the laundry, a piece of it brushes against her clothes or against the outside of the washing machine or dryer, it must be washed again.
Speaking of laundry, that is one of the biggest chores of our lives. She is constantly throwing things into the laundry, things that are relatively clean. We’re 2 adults with no children, but I think we do more laundry than your average family of 6.
She likes to wear hats. But those hats must be wiped down with disinfectant wipes after every use and placed in clear plastic bags.
She insists on wiping down all the surfaces in the kitchen on a regular basis. If something “dirty” touches something “clean” in the kitchen, the formerly clean item has to be wiped down.
We used to just put the groceries away in the fridge and cabinet after a shopping trip. In the last few months, she’s begun wiping down everything before putting it away.
She has eczema. I’ve begun to wonder if it’s simply from all the hand washing after she touches anything in the “dirty” category.
I typically wash an apple before eating it. It takes me about 15-20 seconds. She washes her apples for about 1-2 minutes.
When we’re eating, we often watch TV. As with the bedroom TV, neither of us is allowed to touch the remote without using a tissue, for fear we might contaminate the food.
There was a fly in our kitchen a few weeks ago. We had some plastic disposable cups and some paper plates stacked on the counter, both face down. She insisted on throwing away the top cup and plate, in case the fly landed on them. Since then, she never takes the top cup or plate but keeps them on top to protect the clean ones beneath.
That’s just a drop in the bucket in the cleanliness realm, but it’s getting harder & harder to deal with.
She has a lot of other irrational fears as well. If she thinks that the curtain might have parted slightly while she was getting dressed, she gets into a funk for hours, worrying that someone on the street might have seen her. Our bedroom is on the 2nd floor and we have Venetian blinds behind the curtains.
After coming home from church, she obsesses over something someone said to her, worrying that it meant that the person was annoyed with her.
I don’t know if this is an OCD thing, but she has more clothes than any one person should ever need. She loves looking at catalogs and her purchases put a strain on our finances.
We have so much other stuff as well. We moved recently. I was packing up our basement and I found huge bags full of shopping bags. I found old zip-lok bags tied together for future use. I found boxes of the thin paper and cardboard that comes with her catalog orders, saved for I have no idea what. There was a box of empty small plastic containers from cleansing wipes.
I’m at a loss to understand how keeping EVERYTHING is compatible with keeping everything clean, but she divides things up, and we have our “clean” areas and our “not clean” areas.
The thing is, the term “OCD” has never passed between us. I’ve been thinking it for a while, but I don’t know how she’s react. She’s incredibly sensitive, and that’s one of the problems. I never know what mood she’s going to be in and have to tiptoe around her feelings sometimes.
I don’t think she’s aware she has OCD. For that matter, I’m not 100% sure she does have it. But the stuff she does seems to be very similar to what I’ve been reading on this site.
She watches me like a hawk sometimes, constantly watching me to make sure I didn’t brush clean things against dirty things, and constantly asking me if I did.
It’s putting a real strain on our relationship, but I don’t know if she realizes how much. If we have a fight about any of this stuff, we always make up and all is right in her world (at least for the moment.)
I know what I am to her. I am her bedrock in a scary world, and her protector. I’m not being vain. She is nervous and scared about so many things in the world and is constantly seeking my reassurance. I think if I left her it would devastate her. The pain I would feel upon doing that to her would be devastating to me. For my part, I would miss her horribly but I think I would be able to get back on with my life.
I don’t even know how to broach the topic of her OCD with her. I think she would feel it was a betrayal. It would hurt her deeply.
I guess I have 2 questions:
1) Based on what I’ve written, does it sound like she has OCD?
2) How do I raise the subject with her in a constructive way?
Any advice would be appreciated. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this and really could use some advice.
Thanks.
