I think it's getting worse, could use advice please

[MonkeyButtons]

Hi guys, I'm new here. I'm finding myself headed in a direction I don't like, but I'm not sure how to turn it around. I could really use some advice from people who were able to combat their SA without meds. What helps? I am prescribed benzos and sleep aids but REALLY do not want to go back on SSRI's or the like.

A little backstory: I do struggle with several types of anxiety and diagnosis. I had a really difficult/traumatic childhood and was never really comfortable around other people. I did make some friends in college who understood me. They knew that sometimes I wouldn't leave my house for days (sometimes weeks) at a time, and were very supportive. I think things could have gone very badly for me back then if I didn't have them to pull me out of it. I fell in love with someone who lived on the other side of the country, so after college I moved to be with him. He is very introverted, but not SA.

I struggled to make new friends, but I did try. I got very sick about 3 years ago and being in pain made me want to try less, I found myself obsessing over everything I did and said even more than usual. I went from struggling to make friends to struggling to interact with people enough to go to work or the grocery store, at one point I didn't leave my house for 6 months. My spouse tried to be supportive but didn't get it. Meds made it worse. Eventually I pulled myself out of it a little at a time.

Since then we've moved again, and I've struggled, again. Recently I found out that someone who I considered a good friend for several years calls me mean names behind my back and is not really my friend at all. I have a history of bad friends and it never gets easier. I'm struggling with health problems again and have found myself withdrawing more than I'd like to. I went out to try to be social with some aquaintances in town over the weekend but I was so anxious I actually forgot my own name when I was introducing myself to someone. I screwed up so much that night, I was awful at conversation making, everything I said sounded stupid and everything I did was wrong. I can't stop obsessing over it, the last 2 days I've hardly been able to think about anything that's not telling myself what I crap person I turned out to be.

I can just see myself repeating history, and I don't know how to stop it. I hate my doctor, and am under a crappy HMO where I'm stuck with him, but I can't talk to him about this stuff. I would change my insurance but since I'm having health problems I can't really afford to switch right now.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading!

 

[gummybear22]

here is a good place to make some friends who understand you. as far as your spouse, i'd show him some articles about sa as well as writing him a letter telling him how you feel. another idea is letting him read some stuff on this site to know even more that you aren't the only one and aren't making stuff up.

 

[milwify]

I don't know if it works for you, but it worked for me.
It's 2 self help books.

The feeling good handbook- David D. Burns
The road less traveled - M. Scott Peck

Those taught me the way to detect, analyze, and correct my irrational self talk.
No one taught me that, but my last counselor.

I used to drag terrible feeling for days or even for a week, but after I do what the book says(writing down how i felt and what i thought about what situation, is that thought realistic? if not, what is the realistic story) i can reduce the terrible self hate feeling much, much quicker. Usually I feel better as I'm writing.

I've been having social anxiety for 20 years. I've met 7counselors.
The last counselor recommended me the books.
If you're too skeptical to buy, I think most library have them.

I've taken med for long. Xanax, Zoloft, celexa, etc...
But now, I'm managing day to day life without med.
i hope you understand my English.
You may be thinking "if she can only talk like this, did she really read books?"
Yes I did and reading is much easier for me than writing.

I can relate many things you wrote in the thread.
I hope those books help you too.

 

[MotherWolff]

Well as you probably already know, other alternatives to meds are self help material and therapy. But you have to really participate in those or you won't get the help you need and desire.

 

[MonkeyButtons]

@milwify Thank you so much for the book suggestions! I will try them, I haven't really given self help books a fair chance. I read one last year (not about SA) that my therapist recommended but it wasn't very good so I didn't end up finishing it lol. But if these books work for you I think it's worth a shot. That's awesome that you're living med free- I'd love to be off all my meds someday. And you're english is great so don't worry about it

@gummybear22 Thank you for the advice, it's very helpful! I don't think he thinks I'm making it up as much as he just doesn't understand why it affects me the way it does- why I just don't let sh*t go instead. He doesn't understand why that's not easy. Showing him this forum would help that for sure I think